sexual abuse causes women to cheat.
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sexual abuse causes women to cheat.
| Sat, 02-21-2004 - 10:30am |
I am actually trying to ask a question here (ran out of room to type in the field). My wife of over 7 years has gone out on me as I see it. But she says becuase she was sexually abused she felt obligated to do so. There were 4 of us, my wife (W), me (M) and my wife's best friend of over 30 years (B) and her husband (H). Well we got really close and some lines were crossed. W/B/H had a threesome with out my knowledge and for a long period of time held that guilt. H later on in years started hitting on W behind my back and she gave in. I found out about H and W through reading her journal one day and now I am being told that she wanted it to stop along time ago and wanted to tell me but did not want to jeapordize all of our ties. She could lose a best friend, maybe a husband. She also mentioned that since she had been sexually abused in the past she did not know how to say no to H. Her abusers in the past were relatives and always close friends of the family. With that said she says that she felt like a victim. Having H always approaching her and fondling here made her unconfortable to the point that she had sex with him so not to hurt B and M. Can someone please tell me if there is any truth to these types of fellings. I want to forgive her but I just don't understand.
j

Regardless, there is no excuse for lying and cheating. She had sex with other people so as not to hurt their feelings? I can understand that if her relatives who abused her used guilt and other games to get her to succumb to the abuse and that these feelings may come up again in sexual situations. However, she needs to learn how to say no and deal with the situation.
She is an adult now who can stand up to other adults. She had consentual sex.
'Having H always approaching her and fondling here made her unconfortable to the point that she had sex with him'
Why did she repeatedly put herself in a situation where he was fondling her?????
'she had sex with him so not to hurt B and M.'
But it was apparently o.k. to hurt you.
I think you two need some counseling to deal with how if affects the marriage.
No she has never delt with the sexual abuse to my knowledge. Counseling is being sought as we speak. I also agree that there is no excuse for lying and cheating.
*She had sex with other people so as not to hurt their feelings?
Her friend has cancer. my wife felt that it would be devestating to tell her and I that her husband was pressuring my wife to have sex with him. Thier marrige is on the rocks and she felt that if she did it for her sake (knowing how hard it was for her friend to find love) this would go away but it didn't. I feel she set the stage for me to find out about this. It happened servral times till my wife realized he is not going to stop asking for sex. so she ended it but now I will never really know if it is over because it has been brought to light.I don't know to what extent the pressure was if there was really any at all. She feels that we don't have any sexual problems at all and he was not satisfying one little bit (If you know what I mean). I had earlier in the year had been found out of some wrong doing but I did not have sex with that person (I am no angel in all of this). She did state though at a point she felt herself becoming a volunteer because she was hurt from my wrong doing.
*Why did she repeatedly put herself in a situation where he was fondling her?????
Like I said I guess we were all to close. Practically aunt and uncle to the children and me being too trusting. She went out on me while we were dating so I guess I was more concered with outsiders than the evil within my own camp.
Once a cheater always a cheater???
Now the only thing I can add to this is that I was sexually abused growing up. I have never ever cheated on anyone!!! And I've been cheated on and was in a miserable relationship for a long time where I could well have cheated, but didn't have the heart. I have known cheaters who were never sexually abused. So I don't think there is any merit to that theory. There has to be other reasons why she did this.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
I am very sorry for what your wife thru when she was younger, and I am sorry for what is going on your marriage right now. I don't know enuf about sexual abuse to accept or not accept this "excuse" that she "had to" cheat on you. obviously when someone is sexually abused, especially by members of her family, it is going to cause other problems when she is older - trust issues, fears, sexual issues, etc.
Whatever went wrong, whatever is going on ----- you do understand that RIGHT NOW you are in a very unhealthy situation and it needs to be fixed. it is not healhty for anyone to be living this kind of life - not for you, not for your wife, and not for the other couple. I am glad that you are seeking therapy. I hope your wife will get the help that SHE needs, in addition to couple's therapy. good luck and keep us posted