please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
please help me!
1
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:16pm
Hello, anybody out there who's with a "busy" boyfriend?

It is 2.5 years in our relationship. Things were great and exciting as a new couple, until this past year. I guess I've gotten too comfortable with him - shared my family problems, spoke before I think first, etc. We've broken up twice during the last 6 months. The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. He turned into a different person and I always worried whether he really cares. The second time we broke up was during christmas break - he thought I was too needy and said that the relationship haven't been better (sadly true). At that time I was almost ready to accept and let him go (I cut out all of my fave pictures of us and made a collage for him for his b-day). When he came over to pick up his b-day present, I was crying and we went into my room so my family couldn't see us bawling. I guess that night was emotional for him too - he was crying and said it's harder than he thought (maybe seeing pictures of us on my wall convinced him?), he also said he might be making a mistake by breaking up...so we got back together. He finally told me he loved me (after months of drought!). I was so so happy, because I have always loved him and finally wanted to here those words again. He also told me that it's going to be busy for him in the next few months (tax season). He is a an accountant, working everyday, also has this set schedule for workout classes 5 times a week. Things were good since, he tries to call me everyday and made time to see me whenever he can. We say I love you to each other every day. I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him). He only called me once this week because he was busy working. Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead. The problem is, I'm starting to really worry about him, because this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term?? I said I don't know, and asked if there's anything wrong, and he said "not really" and said that he's been neglecting me. He asked to think about it and tell him later. I don't know what to say. He did warn me that it will be busy for him, and I'm trying to give him the time he needs. People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other. I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time". This is an awkward stage because I'm still in school and he just graduated and started working. What to do?? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this just an obstacle?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:11pm
Well, it looks like you're being neglected everywhere. I don't know what to make of your guy, but I don't think people should stop doing things for each other because the "burning desire" is gone. There's a quote from a famous author that says, "If people will continue the little attentions begun during courtship, instead of marriage being the end of love, it will be as it were its very beginning". I believe that.

It sounds like he may be a bit ambivalent. Since you feel your sharing has made him break-up with you twice in six months, it sounds like he might be threatened by intimacy. However, there's something there as he didn't go through with the last break-up. Men are hard to figure-out sometimes. I've mostly either been in long or really short relationships, so I'm probably not the best judge of this.

However, I think couples should still want to be with each other A LOT even after a couple of years. Of course, both need some space, their own friends, interests and hobbies, etc., but they should still want to spend the vast majority of their life with their SO. Marriage requires a blending of people's lives, which means people are going to have to learn to like each other. If there's distance while dating, that probably doesn't speak well for the future because marriage is going to put much more stress on the relationship.

Sometimes a woman gets put in the disadvantageous position of HOPING he wants her when she should really be considering whether or not she really WANTS HIM! Someone breaking-up with you regularly and inexplicably puts anyone on the defensive wondering what's wrong with them. Why doesn't he want me? Aren't I desireable? However, marriage isn't about proving one's desirability, really. It's more of a test of endurance and character. It's about being patient when you feel like flying off the handle, dealing with children, etc. If you find a man who you think will be patient with your mistakes, supportive and understanding, keep him. It's better than trying to fit someone's bill, because that's about impossible. Best Wishes.