please help me!
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please help me!
| Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:17pm |
Hello, anybody out there who's with a "busy" boyfriend?
It is 2.5 years in our relationship. Things were great and exciting as a new couple, until this past year. I guess I've gotten too comfortable with him - shared my family problems, spoke before I think first, etc. We've broken up twice during the last 6 months. The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. He turned into a different person and I always worried whether he really cares. The second time we broke up was during christmas break - he thought I was too needy and said that the relationship haven't been better (sadly true). At that time I was almost ready to accept and let him go (I cut out all of my fave pictures of us and made a collage for him for his b-day). When he came over to pick up his b-day present, I was crying and we went into my room so my family couldn't see us bawling. I guess that night was emotional for him too - he was crying and said it's harder than he thought (maybe seeing pictures of us on my wall convinced him?), he also said he might be making a mistake by breaking up...so we got back together. He finally told me he loved me (after months of drought!). I was so so happy, because I have always loved him and finally wanted to here those words again. He also told me that it's going to be busy for him in the next few months (tax season). He is a an accountant, working everyday, also has this set schedule for workout classes 5 times a week. Things were good since, he tries to call me everyday and made time to see me whenever he can. We say I love you to each other every day. I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him). He only called me once this week because he was busy working. Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead. The problem is, I'm starting to really worry about him, because this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term?? I said I don't know, and asked if there's anything wrong, and he said "not really" and said that he's been neglecting me. He asked to think about it and tell him later. I don't know what to say. He did warn me that it will be busy for him, and I'm trying to give him the time he needs. People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other. I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time". This is an awkward stage because I'm still in school and he just graduated and started working. What to do?? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this just an obstacle?
It is 2.5 years in our relationship. Things were great and exciting as a new couple, until this past year. I guess I've gotten too comfortable with him - shared my family problems, spoke before I think first, etc. We've broken up twice during the last 6 months. The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. He turned into a different person and I always worried whether he really cares. The second time we broke up was during christmas break - he thought I was too needy and said that the relationship haven't been better (sadly true). At that time I was almost ready to accept and let him go (I cut out all of my fave pictures of us and made a collage for him for his b-day). When he came over to pick up his b-day present, I was crying and we went into my room so my family couldn't see us bawling. I guess that night was emotional for him too - he was crying and said it's harder than he thought (maybe seeing pictures of us on my wall convinced him?), he also said he might be making a mistake by breaking up...so we got back together. He finally told me he loved me (after months of drought!). I was so so happy, because I have always loved him and finally wanted to here those words again. He also told me that it's going to be busy for him in the next few months (tax season). He is a an accountant, working everyday, also has this set schedule for workout classes 5 times a week. Things were good since, he tries to call me everyday and made time to see me whenever he can. We say I love you to each other every day. I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him). He only called me once this week because he was busy working. Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead. The problem is, I'm starting to really worry about him, because this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term?? I said I don't know, and asked if there's anything wrong, and he said "not really" and said that he's been neglecting me. He asked to think about it and tell him later. I don't know what to say. He did warn me that it will be busy for him, and I'm trying to give him the time he needs. People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other. I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time". This is an awkward stage because I'm still in school and he just graduated and started working. What to do?? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this just an obstacle?

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I think because you want this relationship to work out, want to be with him, etc, that you are too focused on it, holding on too tightly.
::Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead.
His life is full, being an accountant, especailly one in the Public field will take a lot of his time between now and April 15. My guess is since graduation, he's been put in a new environment and things have changed - his feelings, what he wants, what he's exposed too. He's exploring life on a different level.
Since you are in school, look into their counseling dept for possible free counseling, aim for working on builting yourself up, working on your self-esteem. If you 'behave' differently he may see you in a different light and things may change for the better. Meaing if you become a confident woman, knowing that you are where you are suppose to be and everything that happens from here on out is suppose to happen. You can make it through anything.
If he's asking about being just friends, my guess is he is worry about the future with you but he doesn't want to hurt you and he isn't ready to address the issues with you yet.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
I think he cares about you and that's why he's dragging his heels about breaking up. He doesn't want to hurt you. However, he seems to be telling you and also showing you through behavior that for him, things have fizzled and he could be your friend, but doesn't feel more than that for you at this point. It's hard! I know! It will be devastating for you to let him go. But life is like that sometimes. You really need to focus on letting him go (if what I say is true with him) and just keep reminding yourself you did nothing wrong. It's just that not everyone is right for everyone else, and in order to be right (this is important) it HAS to be MUTUAL. If it's not, it's not right.
Hmmmm.. that is a serious statement. How exactly did he go from not loving you to loving you again?
'I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him).'
I understand the life of a CPA. My husband used to work in that field so as far as the time issue, you will have to grin and bear it but if he is seeing his friends over you there 'might' be another issue. Of course he has the right to see his friends too but is he using work as an excuse not to spend time with you?
'this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term??'
That is a good question. He has already broken up with you twice. What has happened to change and positively effect the relationship since then? Are you less clingy? Does he feel real love for you? Now it seems that he is hinting at breaking up again and trying to let you down 'easy'
'He asked to think about it and tell him later.'
So what are you going to tell him? And do you think he really wants to be firends? Could you handle that?
'People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other.'
Yes but that has nothing to do with his work schedule, his falling out of love with you, breaking up with you or hinting at it. A lot of couples continue to have a happy life together after the honeymoon is over. They don't break up.
'I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time".'
You mean that he is using it as an excuse?
You only see the guy ONCE EVERY 2 WEEKS????? Do you live far?
And if he was really someone that you wanted to be with, dont you think that he would be
wanting to spend a little more time with you... if he has time to go to his friends after the gym, why couldnt he see you????
This sounds like a friendship already... if even that...
I think you need to let him go... maybe he will realize what he had and make more of an effort, but for your sake... dont waste another minute worrying about it!
Find someone who wants to spend every free minute with you!!!
You mention you live nearby but don't see each other much. It's not his schedule, it's him. Trust me. When I was dating my husband we lived an hour away. We saw each other almost everyday despite the distance. We both worked full-time jobs and had to get up early each morning. He called me every night and e-mailed me everyday. Every free moment for him was a moment with me. A guy who really loves you will do that. He will not avoid you.
You need to step off this roller coaster and find a steady ground. You're only hurting yourself and wasiting your time with a guy who doesn't have a clue what he wants.
We're trying to help you, but until you believe and accept, nothing will change for you.
Edited 2/24/2004 1:29:27 PM ET by zurah
Sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, you will put your energy into healing yourself. My best to you.
Carrie
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