please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
please help me!
17
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:17pm
Hello, anybody out there who's with a "busy" boyfriend?

It is 2.5 years in our relationship. Things were great and exciting as a new couple, until this past year. I guess I've gotten too comfortable with him - shared my family problems, spoke before I think first, etc. We've broken up twice during the last 6 months. The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. He turned into a different person and I always worried whether he really cares. The second time we broke up was during christmas break - he thought I was too needy and said that the relationship haven't been better (sadly true). At that time I was almost ready to accept and let him go (I cut out all of my fave pictures of us and made a collage for him for his b-day). When he came over to pick up his b-day present, I was crying and we went into my room so my family couldn't see us bawling. I guess that night was emotional for him too - he was crying and said it's harder than he thought (maybe seeing pictures of us on my wall convinced him?), he also said he might be making a mistake by breaking up...so we got back together. He finally told me he loved me (after months of drought!). I was so so happy, because I have always loved him and finally wanted to here those words again. He also told me that it's going to be busy for him in the next few months (tax season). He is a an accountant, working everyday, also has this set schedule for workout classes 5 times a week. Things were good since, he tries to call me everyday and made time to see me whenever he can. We say I love you to each other every day. I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him). He only called me once this week because he was busy working. Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead. The problem is, I'm starting to really worry about him, because this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term?? I said I don't know, and asked if there's anything wrong, and he said "not really" and said that he's been neglecting me. He asked to think about it and tell him later. I don't know what to say. He did warn me that it will be busy for him, and I'm trying to give him the time he needs. People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other. I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time". This is an awkward stage because I'm still in school and he just graduated and started working. What to do?? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this just an obstacle?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: missnv
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:06pm
Missny, what do you do to keep yourself happy - go out with friends, hobbies?

I think because you want this relationship to work out, want to be with him, etc, that you are too focused on it, holding on too tightly.

::Last night he didn't call me (I thought he was working, but he went to his friend's house to play games after his workout session) but called me this morning instead.

His life is full, being an accountant, especailly one in the Public field will take a lot of his time between now and April 15. My guess is since graduation, he's been put in a new environment and things have changed - his feelings, what he wants, what he's exposed too. He's exploring life on a different level.

Since you are in school, look into their counseling dept for possible free counseling, aim for working on builting yourself up, working on your self-esteem. If you 'behave' differently he may see you in a different light and things may change for the better. Meaing if you become a confident woman, knowing that you are where you are suppose to be and everything that happens from here on out is suppose to happen. You can make it through anything.

If he's asking about being just friends, my guess is he is worry about the future with you but he doesn't want to hurt you and he isn't ready to address the issues with you yet.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: missnv
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 4:00pm
It's not an easy thing to do to break up with somone, and that's why you've gotten back together. You both sound a bit emotionally unstable, and I think he came back to you b/c he missed you and it was better than being alone. That is NOT a good reason to get back with someone. IMO a person would never say he is not in love with you anymore if it were not true. Being in love is not the same as loving you, and telling someone I Love You can be just words. But again, even if he does love and care about you, that's not the same as being in love with you and knowing you are the person he wants to spend his life with. That's different, and from his actions, I would say he has major doubts about you being the right woman for him. If he didn't he wouldn't have broken it off or asked you that lame question (which, by the way, the response should be NO. It never works to remain friends with someone after a breakup if one person still wants to be together as bf/gf). I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this is not the right guy for you. Yes, the honeymoon phase eventually wears off, but that does NOT mean you stop wanting to be together, look forward to seeing one another, cherish each other, feel lucky to be together, have a passionate sex life, etc. That should get better and stronger with time. If it fizzles or dies out (which I think it has with him) then you're not a right fit.

I think he cares about you and that's why he's dragging his heels about breaking up. He doesn't want to hurt you. However, he seems to be telling you and also showing you through behavior that for him, things have fizzled and he could be your friend, but doesn't feel more than that for you at this point. It's hard! I know! It will be devastating for you to let him go. But life is like that sometimes. You really need to focus on letting him go (if what I say is true with him) and just keep reminding yourself you did nothing wrong. It's just that not everyone is right for everyone else, and in order to be right (this is important) it HAS to be MUTUAL. If it's not, it's not right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: missnv
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 4:53pm
"The first breakup was because he's not "in love" with me anymore. Of course I was crushed. We got back together a week after that, and it was emotional hell for me because there were no "3 words" from him anymore. "

Hmmmm.. that is a serious statement. How exactly did he go from not loving you to loving you again?

'I see him on average once every 2 weeks (if I can spend a good full day with him).'

I understand the life of a CPA. My husband used to work in that field so as far as the time issue, you will have to grin and bear it but if he is seeing his friends over you there 'might' be another issue. Of course he has the right to see his friends too but is he using work as an excuse not to spend time with you?

'this morning he asked if he would still be my friend if we broke up! Now, why would he ask that if he really have an intention to make this long-term??'

That is a good question. He has already broken up with you twice. What has happened to change and positively effect the relationship since then? Are you less clingy? Does he feel real love for you? Now it seems that he is hinting at breaking up again and trying to let you down 'easy'

'He asked to think about it and tell him later.'

So what are you going to tell him? And do you think he really wants to be firends? Could you handle that?

'People tell me the "honeymoon's over" after awhile when couples stop having the "buring desire" to see each other.'

Yes but that has nothing to do with his work schedule, his falling out of love with you, breaking up with you or hinting at it. A lot of couples continue to have a happy life together after the honeymoon is over. They don't break up.

'I worry that he might be thinking of breaking up with me again because of "no time".'

You mean that he is using it as an excuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: missnv
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:30pm
It sounds like you wouldnt be missing out if you deaded the relationship!

You only see the guy ONCE EVERY 2 WEEKS????? Do you live far?

And if he was really someone that you wanted to be with, dont you think that he would be

wanting to spend a little more time with you... if he has time to go to his friends after the gym, why couldnt he see you????

This sounds like a friendship already... if even that...

I think you need to let him go... maybe he will realize what he had and make more of an effort, but for your sake... dont waste another minute worrying about it!

Find someone who wants to spend every free minute with you!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
In reply to: missnv
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:56pm
No we don't live far from each other, he's busier since he graduated...is it not worth to grin and bear it for now? I know it takes two, but I love him so much to let him go. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt; though there's nothing wrong with either of us personality or attitude-wise, it's just the damn schedule that he has!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:05am
I guess I love him alot, I've come a long way to accepting his shortcomings - that is true love. I don't know how to let go, especially on how strongly I feel? And - oh great - my birthday is coming up. What timing =( I've never felt so unhappy in my entire life, I must've shed an ocean of tears for him every day. IT was just 1 week ago that we're discussing some future plans! How can he change so fast? I don't understand...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:16am
It was 4 months long from breakup #1 and #2. Between #1 and #2 he never told me he loved me; he came back to me because he felt sorry for me (he only told me this on the day #2 was taking place). In breakup #2, he thought it is because of love that he wanted to stay with me and didn't want to make a mistake of breaking up. He always told me he loved me ever since and things were back to how things were great as it was during our first 2 years. It has been 2 months since breakup #2; now this comes. Yesterday I directly asked him "Are you trying to break up with me?" and he replied "not in the forseeable future" He said he doesn't know if he feels anything anymore. He went from loving to not so loving in one week! What the hell?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:02pm
Let me end your torture by telling you what's going on like these other women have tried. He is obviously confused and is a hot and cold lover. Ok, you've had some years, you're in love and don't want to let go. Don't put yourself through emotional torture anymore. You don't deserve to have to cry and worry and think too much over this. A strong true relationship doesn't work that way.

You mention you live nearby but don't see each other much. It's not his schedule, it's him. Trust me. When I was dating my husband we lived an hour away. We saw each other almost everyday despite the distance. We both worked full-time jobs and had to get up early each morning. He called me every night and e-mailed me everyday. Every free moment for him was a moment with me. A guy who really loves you will do that. He will not avoid you.

You need to step off this roller coaster and find a steady ground. You're only hurting yourself and wasiting your time with a guy who doesn't have a clue what he wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:26pm
You came here asking for help, but really it is YOU who must help yourself -- by listening to what everyone here has told you, because it's the truth. Only YOU can stop your pain. It's not your bf who's causing you all the pain you feel. It's you...the pain is the consequence of the bad choices you are making. So long as you choose to remain with him, you will no doubt pay that consequence and feel that pain -- because this is not a good relationship and it's not what you want or need. It's up to YOU. Nobody can help a person who will not help herself. And nobody can see the light for you if you refuse to open your eyes and see it for yourself.

We're trying to help you, but until you believe and accept, nothing will change for you.


Edited 2/24/2004 1:29:27 PM ET by zurah

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: missnv
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:51pm
It's not about something changing suddenly over a weeks time - it more like people live in situations and relationships unaware of how they feel.... but they go through the routines, they go through the motions, if asked they even believe they are happy living life the way they are, but there is still something just under the surface that they don't understand, can't figure out, some undefined feeling, and once that feeling is defined and really looked at, then life changes.

Sorry you have to go through this. Hopefully, you will put your energy into healing yourself. My best to you.


Carrie

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