Would love some feeback on this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Would love some feeback on this...
2
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:59pm
Hi there, i just really needed some outside opinions on this. I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months, and in that time it's been really great--no fights, we get along really well and have everything in common. I'm starting to think that might be a problem when it comes to communication and intimacy though. I'm very guarded in relationships and have alot of issues opening up and letting my guard down. I'm learning that he is the same way. So basically, there isn't much talk about feelings or how we fit emotionally in each others' lives. Which, i guess, isn't usually a big deal. But sometimes I think i really need the validation from him--that i matter or something. I think that's normal---needing to hear from your partner how they feel about you. And i know i'm not offering that to him either, so it isn't just his problem or anything. I guess I'm just wondering how others deal with the communication problem when it comes to feelings and things. We have NO problem communicating when it comes to all the other issues, which i love.

Another thing that's stuck in my mind is that we had discussed at various times our past relationships. No details or anything, but the length and why they ended. His last girlfriend had broken up with him on Christmas eve of last year (02) and he stated that it crushed him. Now, on one hand this tells me that he does have it in him to love someone and that he isn't made of stone emotionally like he acts towards me sometimes. But on the other hand it makes me question what we have -- as in, maybe he doesn't feel that strongly about me. I do go off of his behaviors with me though--like always doing things with me, including me with his friends and family, and always talking about the future and making plans with me included.

I know that i should be talking to him about all of this, i just wanted to get some advice from others' experiences first. What are some of your experiences with men that don't communicate any feelings of intamacy and act like a brick wall in that department? Also, i know i have to seriously work on my own issues with it too--i don't want it to seem like i'm blaming him or anything. Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:51pm
Being emotionally vulnerable to another person is a scary thing....yet in nearly every intimate relationship it is necessary. It's about trusting your partner with your feelings and emotions. If either of you are having trouble in this area, consider seeking profession help. Short-term counseling might be all it takes to improve your relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:35pm
It's interesting that you mentioned that you never fight. Do you mean that you never disagree with each other to the point where either of you become emotional or upset? I'm not saying that frequent fighting in a relationship is a good thing - it's not. But never having an argument or disagreement could be another indicator that you are not being open emotionally with each other, that you are both afraid to be vulnerable or to risk objecting to any topic or situation that could result in negative feelings from the other. The problem with that is that you can never be sure that you are loved "for better or worse" - so to speak. If you try opening up more yourself, you'll be letting him know that it's safe to do so himself and he might respond in kind. It has to start somewhere.