if he's so perfect--why'm i so MISerable
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| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:25am |
So, why am I so MISerable? There's not really anything in stark black and white like the big, Jerry Springer type moments (he's sleeping with my sister, he burns the kids with cigarettes, he kicks the dog, etc.).
It's more like, he's simply not there...there's nothing to work with or bounce off of. He comes home and tells me/consults with me about his day, his work, his desires, his needs, his problems, his wants, his concerns, etc. Then, when I try to talk to him about my day, or family issues, or such, he simply tunes me out, or says we'll talk about that later, or just to get over it.
I'm not talking about petty issues, here, either. I'm talking about our daughter's ADD and the problems caused at school, I'm talking about bills and debts and fixing up the house and making sure our son is doing well at school and not getting into drugs (the main thing my husband is interested in discussing about our son is the boy's need to lose weight...so he won't look so chunky, you know).
On the other hand, tho, he keeps me out of the loop about things that directly affect me and our children. Things that maybe concern his family, too, or that we could try to deal with in a timely fashion. Often, I have to either guess, or find out about stuff from other sources (like observing the financial ups and downs of a company to predict he's going to get laid off or fired or such).
Sorry it's so difficult to define or pin down. There are so many underlying problems. Again, it's not something black and white like "oh, he's drinking, get out of the house now".
Maybe the best way to put it is that there has been a lack of support or empathy or understanding for anything I've gone thru, like the loss of material and social standing I suffered when I married him (rather than the doctor I had been dating before--I lost everything and everyone I had grown up with, and gained nothing in return except the contempt and abuse of my new in-laws).
With my husband, I have been thru humiliation upon humiliation after his job losses and lack of interest in ensuring our physical and material well-being (I'm talking about being sure that we have health insurance for the kids after he got laid off, not luxuries, but necessities). He always seems to think it's ok to buy videos or DVD's or electronics, but there's never money for the kids to have extracurricular classes or better clothes. He's stingy when it comes for things for the kids, but not for himself.
After 15 years of ill treatment from his family, he still doesn't quite seem to understand "what the problem is". Again, I'm not talking about his family being rude or merely unfriendly, I'm talking about them stealing from me, going behind my back in trying to do things with the kids that i don't approve of, spreading and repeating malicious rumors about me and my mother, actively trying to sabotage my marriage and wellbeing, etc. Read any Dear Abby column, and you'll see what I mean.
Another factor which contributes to my feeling of sadness and loneliness is that nothing about our life together is what I hoped or dreamed of as a child or young adult. We don't have friends (except for mine, but we don't do stuff with couples cuz he doesn't talk much or enjoy having company, so that kind of cuts out a lot of opportunities--plus, most of my friends can't stand him). We don't have any kind of safety nets for the future (or the present, for that matter). We don't have a clear vision of where we're going with the children's future or wellbeing (like paying for braces, college, etc.) or religious foundation.
We don't work together as a team. Our life together is just a bunch of chaotic moments cobbled together by a day-to-day existence. There's no sense of stability or purpose, no feeling of "we're in this together", no camaraderie. I don't know, it just feels like he does and gets the "pretty" part, and I get the grunt work (he'll cook a gourmet dinner and bake FABulous cakes, but he won't clean a toilet...you get the picture). Frankly, after 15 years of cleaning up his messes, supporting him emotionally (and sometimes financially and physically) and mentally, while not receiving the same in return (but receiving plenty of abuse from his family), I am just drained.
That's it, I'm empty. I have no desire for him, physically or sexually. I don't know if he'd be willing to be in a loveless or sexless marriage, but I am too young to live for the rest of my life without a PARTNER in every sense of the word. I mean, I do clean up fairly nicely, myself, y'know?
It's not like I want him to get hit by a truck or anything, I just don't think I can handle one more moment of living with him this way. He's trying as hard as he possibly can, but I know for a fact that he is simply not capable of any more. And, at this point, neither am I.
So, what's wrong with me? Why can I not simply be grateful for having a roof over my (and my children's) head and try to accept him the way he is? Why am I so miserable that I'd be willing to put my kids in a situation that could cause them grief? It's not like I don't want to live anymore, It's just that I don't want to live like THIS anymore. But, honestly, how selfish is that?
"Oh, honey, by the way, I know you're a basically decent guy and all that, but, um, I can't stand you so--SEE ya!"
I mean, please, I know he's selfish and self-centered and vain, but to dump him because he has bad breath and bad judgement? What's WRONG with me? But I'm so MISerable!?!?!?

If you left, you wouldn't be leaving b/c he has bad breath, and you know it. You'd be leaving b/c you're tired of living without a true partner, you're empty and tired of his family's abuse, and you don't want your marriage to be the example to your children for how their own marriages should be. There are a lot of unhealthy aspects about your marriage...it's a long way from satisfactory or healthy. And if it's not working for you, it's not working for you. That doesn't make you a bad or selfish person. You sound bitter about choosing your husband...why did you? There must've been a reason. You must've experienced his family dynamics before you married him, yet you still did. Why?
Everyone makes choices and decisions for themselves based upon what is best for them. Sometimes we make the wrong ones. You said yourself he's giving all he's capable of giving, so you at least don't hold any illusions of him changing and becoming the type of partner you want and need. Only you can decide for yourself where to go from here. Either you live this way, or you decide not to. It's no crime to want to be happy. In fact, you only get one shot at life. I think it's a person's duty to get as much out of it as they can. We all make mistakes. It's how we deal with the consequences of them, and what we learn from them, that counts.
Some people believe divorce is only acceptable if there is abuse or infidelity. Others opt for divorce if they discover they are incompatible with their spouse (for whatever reason), and they do not think that being miserable and unhappy for the rest of their lives would serve any good purpose or win them an award at the end of their days. Each person must decide for him or herself. Hope this helps you decide what's best for YOU. Good luck.
They were outwardly friendly and courteous at the time. I later found out that they figured we were just having a fling. Their behavior changed immediately upon our marriage (which I understood to an extent because, since my family didn't approve of him and his family apparently didn't really like me either, we had eloped). The problem arose when my mom got over it, but his folks didn't...
As to "why" I still chose him...all I can figure is I was walking around numbly after the violent death of my father (the grief over which was one of the things I was told to "get over" by his family...). After living overseas for four years, surrounded by violence and uncertainty, I came home to do my father's will and such and met this quiet guy who acted like he could calmly deal with stuff. He was like a balm to me, cuz my family is this super-stoic, stiff-upper-lip type of family.
Honestly, honestly, what it most felt like was that one day, I came home from failing an algebra exam at university to find my mom dressed in black waiting to go identify my dad's body...and then somehow five years later, I woke up and I was married, poor, pregnant with my second child, and I was nowhere that I ever expected to be. I've been trying to regroup ever since, trying to do the "right" thing, trying to make my "lemonade" (as in, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade..."). But, I'm just so tired.
Meanwhile, this poor guy is clueless, all he knows is that he's been happy, he's pretty much gotten what he wanted (wife, kids, house, cars, dog, cat, big-screen TV and all the accoutrements of the American dream). He actually seems like he enjoys the life we have. The kids are happy that they have their mom and dad, and they love their home. They are aware of both our shortcomings, I'm sure, and are not blind to his parents' behavior, but they seem content to have Daddy around.
So, who am I to quibble with this outward notion of happiness? I seem to be the only one who's miserable...is it not a worthy sacrifice if they are all happy otherwise?
"he simply tunes me out, or says we'll talk about that later, or just to get over it."
"the main thing my husband is interested in discussing about our son is the boy's need to lose weight...so he won't look so chunky, you know)."
"he keeps me out of the loop about things that directly affect me and our children."
"there has been a lack of support or empathy or understanding for anything I've gone thru,"
"With my husband, I have been thru humiliation upon humiliation after his job losses"
"He's stingy when it comes for things for the kids, but not for himself."
"I'm talking about them stealing from me, going behind my back in trying to do things with the kids that i don't approve of, spreading and repeating malicious rumors about me"
"nothing about our life together is what I hoped ...he doesn't talk much or enjoy having company, .... most of my friends can't stand him)."
How in the world is he perfect and why do you need a 'obvious' excuse, like drugs or cheating to leave? He doesn't treat you well, you don't connect, and you are sending a big message to your children about love, relatioships, respect, priorities, etc. Think about that.
"We don't work together as a team. Our life together is just a bunch of chaotic moments cobbled together by a day-to-day existence."
Then tell him this. Either seek counseling or leave.
"So, what's wrong with me? Why can I not simply be grateful for having a roof over my (and my children's) head and try to accept him the way he is?"
Huh? A lot of abused women have a roof over their heads. It doesn't mean they have to stay married or be happy.
Maybe having one of these around will stimulate some open, honest communication? If not consider approaching him about marriage counseling.
Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Carrie
Like I said, he honestly seems to be trying as hard as he can, but he just doesn't get it and he never will. You're right that I have to see if I can just take it and be happy with what I've got, or just bite the bullet and consider this a failure. But, it's so hard and so sad, because, it seems like such a waste when you have two people who WISH for a good relationship, and both feel like they're working on it and it's just never gonna happen...
And, right now, although I have affection for him, and wish him nothing but the best, I just don't "love" him, not like a partner/lover/companion, etc.
The difficult part is, I really don't want the kids to think this kind of relationship is OK, but I also don't want them to think it's ok to just give up (altho after 15 years, I do think I've tried everything). Also, where would I go with three kids, my mom, the dog and the cat? I mean, if nothing else, the guy deserves a medal for dealing with my mom and my dog. (then again, I deserve sainthood for dealing with him and his family...)
Of course, lately, I don't deserve sainthood or anything remotely similar, because I get aggravated just talking to him. It's as if I were allergic to him or something. I'll be fine, and then he calls, and then I'll be totally out of my head with annoyance at some dumb thing he asks or requests (he's overseas right now for work, and frankly the distance has been wonderful...).
Just don't know, feel guilty for wanting/needing more, but also don't want this feeling of being trapped. Thanks for your input, guys, it does help to feel I'm not crazy...