Am I a hypocrite?
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| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:20am |
During one of our discussions I asked him what he wanted from our marriage, and he told me "I don't want anything from you, just leave me alone, live your life, pretend I don't exist" and in another discussion he told me "there's something wrong with you" and "get away from me, you make me sick." I told him that it upset me that he said those things, and that I was having a hard time getting past them without him acknowledging how I felt about what he had said, and that I needed some resolution to that. Two months later during a meeting with the counselor he finally told me that he was sorry that he said what he said, but then a few weeks after that he said he was only sorry that I felt the way I did about what he said, and he wasn't apologizing for what he said because what he said was not meant the way I took it, and that I took it the wrong way. He said he wasn't going to apologize for what he said because he didn't do anything wrong, he was just sorry I felt that way about what he said.
A few weeks ago we were having another discussion, and he began raising his voice, and making sarcastic comments, and I told him maybe it would be best if he left. When he refused to leave, I told him that I was sorry I invited him to visit, and that I wished I hadn't done that. He called me a hypocrite, and said he couldn't understand how it was okay for me to say what I said to him, but it wasn't okay for him to say what he said to me. I said "I'm sorry if what I said hurt your feelings, that wasn't my intention." He said that what I said didn't bother him at all, what bothers him is that I was upset by what he said, but then I do the same thing to him by saying what I said.
I am really having a hard time with this.
First of all I cannot understand how these 2 things are the same if what he said hurt my feelings and upset me, and what I said didn't bother him at all.
Secondly, I'm confused, and not sure if he really apologized or not for what he said to me, or even acknowledged how I felt about what he said, because it seems to me that he is only apologizing for me and how I felt, and doesn't even recognize the impact of what he said (I think this is a characteristic of passive-aggressive behavior).
Thirdly, my husband has a big problem with hypocrisy. I think this also stems from his childhood. He has trouble letting me know what bothers him based solely on their own merits. It is as if nothing bothers him except the things that I do that he feels are the same things that I have told him that bother me when he does them (as mentioned above for example). Though I fail to see the equality between the two scenarios mentioned above, I still recognize the impact that what I said could have on him, and I apologized for what I said, but he said he doesn't even care about what I said and what I said didn't bother him at all, what bothered him was the way I felt about what he said, but then could turn around and say the same kinds of things to him. I feel almost as if he isn't trying to change the way I communicate with him, just the way I feel about the way he communicates with me.
Am I really being a hypocrite? I don't mind being wrong, I just don't want to be confused. If you can read all this and understand it without being confused yourself - please help.

I think that your husband has a LOT of work to do - if he wants to get over "social anxiety disorder, passive aggressive behavior, and signs of ADD. He has deep rooted anger and low self-esteem that stem from his childhood". you don't say how long he has been in therapy
An individual person's perception of life and situations is determined by their self-esteem, self-awareness and self-responsibility -a nd that their response to all situations is determined by their perception of life. Their perception is their reality, it's the position from which they deal at all times, in all situations.
People that don't share values, priorities and boundaries generally don't share viewpoints, perceptions, and goals.
From a quick layperson's analysis....you got into this relationship because you could control hima nd you thought that meant your future was safe. You belive in "safety in numbers" and that playing by the rules or having the status quo will get youa specific result. In short -y ou'd be surprised to find yourself murdered if you aligned with a murderer - as long as you have 'someone" that is all that you believe is necessary in order to ensure your success.
He got into this reelationship from a position of insecurity (lacking self-awareness, responsibility and esteem) everything his life was with you was better than what he could do or perceived he could get on his own....thus tolerating you was easy enough because being with you was beneficial and convenient. Over the years, you've had more deamnds and reuqirements - he's come to realize that the requirements of him aren't going to end, and this is not ever going to make him feel as good about himiself as it did initially - so he's lashing out. He belives that you're withholding the good feelings that originally existed in the relationship - your acceptance/desire of him made him feel good about himself. He believes you're now withholding that - he's lashing out.
Until he addresses the self-esteem issue -there is no possibility of an equality based relationship. And when/if he does address it - it'll mean for the first time in his life his options, potential and defnitions of success will be his own to utilize by his own efforts - so you easily still might find that you don't share common goals, interests, and needs -a lthough you might both become more value oriented rather than emotionally driven.
But neither of you got in this to have an equality based relationship - you both got in this to have needs met -which are now not being met, and can no longer be met - and thus the alliance now cements in permanent view "everything I am and cannot be/have" - vs. "covering up everything I am and can have by alliance".
And basically - you're really not more emotionally secure, mature, responsible, or logical than he is....it's just that you've been the "male" in this relationship - fulfilling obligations and responsibilities, etc. Believe me, if he took up self-awareness as a goal - and you remained as you are - his ability to surpass your present state of security would have you in the bottle.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
However, the things he says are about pushing you away, not helping the relationship and are still in line with his passive/aggressive efforts. He acknowleged that your feelings where hurt and apologized because of how you feel - I'm sorry you feel that way, though I don't understand why what I said impacted you the way it did. Which tells me he has more issues then the ones you listed here - he's also unable to empathize with other people, doesn't have a clue what other people feel or that some of what he says has an impact on other's feelings. Hmm, would that be self-centered?
What you said was along the same lines as far as not helping the relationship. Like trying to shame him for his behavior so it would change. Instead of just simply saying "Please leave." Or "We need to end this dicussion." I'm sorry I invited you over is about blaming where you are in that moment, implying that it was his behavior that got you to this point.
I think you should bring all this up at your next session with the counselor.
Carrie
Well, yes, you are.
Wow, you got all that from my post? I'm not sure what you mean when you refer to me as being "the "male" in this relationship - fulfilling obligations and responsibilities" - I guess it refers to some kind of stereotype.
I agree with you on the point that everyone's perception is their own reality. As far as me getting into this relationship because I could control him - I got into this relationship because we shared a lot of the same values, and there were many qualities I saw in my husband that I admired; however, with social anxiety and low self-esteem, he eventually felt unworthy of that admiration, and then as is common with passive-aggressive behavior began to follow a failure script to sabatoge the relationship (these are his words, and something we have been working on in counseling). The problem with all of this then becomes when I pay him a compliment, display affection, and give him support, even though these are the things he desires, he sees it as evidence of what he is not or cannot be (which is what I think you may have been referring to when you said "everything I am and cannot be/have"). The result is that he has difficulty complimenting me, showing me affection, and supporting me because he sees it as more of a statement about what he isn't than about what I am.
The ironic thing about that is that the following is listed as descriptions of some of the many typical signs of passive-aggressive behavior:
In most cases the barrier to your emotional stability is the desire to control.
By withholding information such as an affirmation of love, we gain power over the other. Feeling victimized: We protest that others unfairly accuse us rather than owning up to our own perceived errors and mistakes. To remain above reproach, we set ourselves up as the apparently hapless, innocent victims of 'their' excessive demands and tirades.
Passive aggressive people seem to be extremely angry and are seeking revenge by their behavior.
On a more positive note, I love my husband, and we are both committed to our marriage. I don't think either of us thinks this is a contest about who is more emotionally secure, mature, responsible, or logical, and neither of us are interested in being able to "surpass" the other. I realize it can be difficult to give advise here when you only get a short version of what can really be a rather lengthy complex story; however, we are working with a counselor, and we are both interested in solving the problems together. I am trying to make an effort to better understand my husband, and vice versa. I welcome input, advise, and different perspectives, and try to keep an open mind, but we realize it is up to us to decide what is best for us after exploring all of these things. So thank you for your response, for sharing your perspective with me, and for giving us another point of view to consider in that process.