he's gotta get out of this mood
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:00pm |
The biggest problem is he suffers from severe depression. Anything goes wrong with his job or anything, he feels like he is getting what he deserves. He, like everyone else, has had relationships that didn't work out but somehow he sees all his failed relationships as his fate.
We've been together 1.5 years,living together 9 months. Normally everything is great, we do everything together and are always very loving with each other. But sometimes, maybe once every 3 months or so he gets really depressed and says that he is supposed to be alone. When I try to talk to him about why does he want to throw away our relationship when there is nothing wrong with it (it always something at work or with his ex). He says that "HE" is what's wrong with it. He has always told me that I would get tired of him and leave and when he's depressed, his idea is that it is going to happen eventually (because he is doomed to be alone) so it will be easier to end it now because the longer he waits and the more attached to me he becomes, the more it will hurt.
I know, without a doubt, that he loves me and that isn't something that I am easily convinced of. He has told me and SHOWN me that constantly over the last year. BUT, how do I get him to stop pushing me away(that's what he has always done with everyone). Sometimes I feel like he is testing me to see if I really do love him and will stand by him through hard times. I think I've passed, so how do I get him to stop feeling so worthless?
I know that is not something that can be changed overnight, but I even went to counseling. He wouldn't go with me because he said that they were going to tell me I should leave him. He knew I had an appointment, but didn't know when and ended up calling my cell phone while I was there. As soon as I got home he said, "So when are you leaving me?" This is driving me crazy - I love him with all my heart but yet I can't convince him that I'm not going to leave him.
Any opinions on how to deal with someone who is such a wonderful person but feels like the beautiful relationship that we have is a cruel joke to show him what he can't have. HE HAS IT!!! He is just can't accept it for fear of losing it.

hi honey. he does sound like a great guy, and you sound like a wonderful person too. i am sorry to say that sometimes its just not enuf! depression - or whatever else is wrong with him - is a disorder/sickness - and it is not something that YOU can solve for him.
its sounds like your BF has worked very very hard to overcome his hardships and problems. but sometimes, its just not possible to do this without professional help. he probably puts forth a LOT of effort just to get thru each day. and he doesn't believe that he needs help because, as you say, he is very succesful.
its one thing, if your BF feels that he "needs" alone-time, once in three months. in fact - that's fine, even if its once a week, or two. what is problematic here, is that he KNOWS that the relationship is going to "fail" and he will probaly do things to sabatoge it, "because its going to fail anyway". and i hate to say this - but there is not much you can do here, other than let him know
"He, like everyone else, has had relationships that didn't work out but somehow he sees all his failed relationships as his fate." How convenient, that way, if anything goes wrong, he can simply say 'see, I told you so, I told you it's not fair and I'm just a crap person.' If you look at it another way - that's his out - that's the way he can get away with this self-absorbed depressive behavior, whilst not doing anything constructive about it - like seeing the therapist with you. Is he on medication?
I'm sorry - but I was married to man much like the one you describe - same kind of circumstances - horrible childhood, time spent in a reform school, etc. etc. and I suppose I have a much more realistic perception than I did whilst in the relationship. (the marriage lasted 5 years) My ex-husband just couldn't get past his childhood or his depression - he used it as an excuse to not be accountable, to not meet his obligations and commitments and it sounds as though your boyfriend is doing the same thing. It would be one thing if he was proactively getting help for his depression, but it doesn't sound as though he's doing anything other than blaming his problems on his depression and his childhood.
Let me tell you something - this WILL get very old in time. When I think back, I was probably where you are at - at this point in the relationship - very supportive, very understanding, very determined that we would work, that there wasn't anything we couldn't get through together. It took having a baby to make me wake up and smell the coffee (don't get pregnant!). I finally had to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to be able to make him 'get it', that he was never going to take responsibility for his life and stop blaming his past or his depression for what was wrong with his life.
Your boyfriend will not change - not unless he makes an extraordinary commitment to do so (therapy and meds) and you will grow tired of this constantly needing to prove your love to him - and you will begin to resent him for not being able to get past his past.
I know that this is not what you want to hear and you probably think it will be different with you - I hope it is, but i do urge you to be realistic - people generally don't tend to change - and is this what you want for your life? Constantly struggling to get your boyfriend to be a functional adult?
I'd insist on REGULAR therapy or I would really consider walking away.
By the way - my husband who i always thought would make a great father - left ten days after our daughter was born because he couldn't cope - having spent nine months with his hand on my belly telling everybody how he couldn't wait to be a father.
No, my ex is not your boyfriend, but the backstory sounds alarmingly familiar, so I do urge you to proceed with extreme caution. Love is NOT enough - it does not solve problems and if you want a family in your future I would be very careful about doing so with a man who at this point is not willing to take responsibility for himself, let alone another human life.
I do wish you all the best.
Coolas
So, just like you accept the "wonderful him" - accept the "depressed, flawed, negative him" - because he is all those things - not just some part of it.
Basically, he's emotionally driven vs. factually assessing and goal oriented primarily as a directive. Not uncommon in abusive childhoods - because everything there revolved around people 'responding to their feelings as if they were facts, goals and calls to action."
Until he addresses the issues within himself....he won't be "completely" with you because he's not "complete unto himself."
Accept it as it is...realize that it won't change till he wants to and doing that is going to have him completely in many regards altering his perception and perspective on life as a whole - your relationship included.
So, does this meet your needs and standards is the ONLY question before you as an individual to be asking or answering to yourself. If it does - stay. If it doesn't go - but changing him isn't your option.
people do what they do because they want to do it. Thier values and priorities and life perception dictate their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity adn honor in every regard and facet.
The realization has to hit you that both of the 'Him's" re an act of sorts. He's only responding based on the feelings of the moment, feelings inspired by the situations at hand...and he's "acting" based on feelings. Feelings are the only constant in life and they're constantly changing becuase situations are perpetually changing and nobody can control that.
You said it in your first opening statements...life with him is wonderful...but it's those life situations that keep being negative and making him negative to be with.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I read a book by Terrence Real on Male Depression. I believe it is call "I Don't Want To Talk About It, the Legacy of Male Depression". It is an easy read, and a real eye opener. Depression manifests itself quite differently in men, and you can not "fix" it for him. You can end up acting and and feeling for him, because he is unable to express his, but believe me, that is not helping, it is enabling.
I left that book out so my ex would pick it up, suggested he read it, but he was in so much denial and as with yours, just figured the world was there to screw him anyway, he never did. My therapist said, just like erin, you have to decide if you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this, because odds are he will not change, he does not have the emotional "tools" to seek help and without help he will not change. The other part of that, is that he would be teaching my sons the same legacy. And that's where I drew the line. I wanted nothing more than for my sons to find this world a beautiful, joyous place. If their father was miserable, and that made me miserable, then they would be miserable.
That is not the gift I wanted to give my children.
Pam
Pam
The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.
When Someone You Love Is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself, Laura Epstein Rosen
The Pain Behind the Mask: Overcoming Masculine Depression, John Lynch
Pam - thanks for the tip on another book on depression.
Carrie