Ex-Girlfriend woes..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Ex-Girlfriend woes..
3
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:12pm
I have been married (I thought happily) for 9 years. Last fall, my husband got scheduled for a trip to Europe on business and asked if it would be ok with me if he visited an ex-girlfriend while he was there. I was reluctant, asked if there was 'anything to worry about', and when he assured me not, said I was fine with it.

He went, came back, I asked how the ex-girlfriend was and told him I was jealous. He said she was fine that he had met her husband and 2 kids and that I had nothing to worry about.

Then several months later, I found a greeting card labled 'for the plane' on his dresser with emails from the ex-girlfriend. The card said things like 'I still love you' and 'if you ever need me, feel my pull from within'. There was a homemade business card with her picture and hearts on it. I was furious. The email to my husband was from before they met there and said things like 'I don't know if I can handle seeing you - can you handle seeing me?'. She implied that she wanted to spend the day alone with him.

I confronted my husband who told me that this girl was having marital problems at the time he was over there. They went out, he bought her dinner, they rode the ferris wheel, then they went to a bar. It was there that this girl asked my husband to sleep with him.

I was shocked. I feel so deceived. I believe that he knew she was making suggestions before he even went there. I feel so upset that he didn't tell me even when I asked if there was anything I needed to worry about. What would have happened if I hadn't found that card?? I'm so angry at this girl for doing this behind my back and at both of them for threatening our marriages.

Any words of advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:09pm
Direct ALL your anger at HIM, not her. He's married to you, supposedly committed to you, AND he lied to you, decieved you, she has no obligation to look out for you, but he sure does/did.

Be mad at him for loving her attention she lavished on him. She was looking for an easy way out of a bad marriage. He betrayed you, not her.

Insist on marriage counseling and no contact with this woman by him.


Edited 3/31/2004 5:20 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:48pm
How sad. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'd suggest marriage counselling b/c a truly happily married man would not be making the poor choices your husband is making. No matter what this other woman's situation is, it doesn't matter. It's up to your husband to remain within the bounds of his own marriage no matter what others do or say. His choices in Europe went from bad to worse with every step. I assume he told you he didn't sleep with her. But there you have it -- you don't know if you can believe that or not since he hasn't been upfront about the rest of it. Since he left these items out on his dresser for you to see he's either not a very bright guy or he's not trying too hard to hide things from you. Whatever his reasoning for making all these bad choices, there are reasons why he's making them. Marriage counselling might help you both sort them out. Angry confrontations probably won't. Obviously he should not be in contact with her anymore. Someone who remains in contact with a person who propositioned him to cheat on his wife is definitely not happily married...or he's extremely insensitive to his wife's feelings...or he's emotionally unhealthy...or all of the above. I wish you the best in working this out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:35am
Sweetie, your husband has been unfaithful and you need to deal with this situation. You should send him packing for some time to get your head together. Then , if you decided to make the marriage work, you must seek counselling. What your husband did was totally unacceptable. He betrayed you emotionally and perhaps physically. You MUST show him that this kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated. Seek counselling for yourself immediately to help you through this situation. Hang in there.