Grandmother in the way
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| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:15am |
I have been dating this person for around 6 months and her Grandmother does not consent to us dating. The reason for this is I’m around 15 years older then her. We are both consenting adults; she is over 20 years old. The problem is her Grandmother is harassing me. She has called my house leaving numerous threatening messages. She has called the police department stating I should be arrested. We both volunteer for a not for profit organization and the Grandmother has harassed the people there trying to get us both kicked off the organization. Now she is calling me at my work and has threaten to harass my Mother. I have ignored all her phone calls and threats, but I don’t know how I should handle this. My girlfriend stated to me that her Grandmother is a little “unbalanced.” I do love this person and I feel we right for each other but I wish the Grandmother would see this.
BigGuy

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
...and if she did I would be happy to have her as a roommatte.
Edited 3/31/2004 12:31 pm ET ET by bigguynj
From a legal standpoint...if she's harrassing you at a job, if she gets violent or verbally abusive in public - you can file a complaint and charges, she'll get arrested, and it'll be out of your hands and into the court's jurisdiction. IT won't be civil - you against her...it'll be the "state of _____" vs. her - it'll be criminal charges.
The biggest problem is that this girl is not disassociating completely. It's one thing ot move out because she locked her in at night...but to continue to call, have contact with grandma, intervene if she did so that the guys who were shot at didn't file charges - that's her really just saying to grandma "I like waht you're doing, keep at it"...and apparently, Grandma will because she believes she is right and has the right, and it could escalate to a point you don't want to consider at this point.
So, the first question is.....if you file charges on this woman and it gets out of your ability to stop prosecution - is this girll going to be upset, stop dating you, etc? IF she would....you should stop dating her now. Because that means she's playing both sides of the fence, not intentionally per se, but she's wanting Grandma's approval and love and is accepting whatever interaction they have while pleading with her to "stop doing the bad stuff" - but still intervening and contacting cementing Grandma's impression she's right and is in the right to do what she does. That could get you killed.....there are weapons out there that shoot more than BB's.
IF this girl is having no contact with her grandmother...is the grandmother harrassing her as well. Calling and hanging up, callig her names, calling her job, verbally assaulting her if they meet accidentally in the grocery store. If so this girl needs to become more informed of what charges she could file, and what she needs to do to do it - and then pursue that option. Because grandma believes what she's doing is right, and she has the right to do.....if this a "if you don't conform you must be eliminated" mentality in play - the girl is at risk, as well as anybody she affiliates with.
So, how does hte girl perceive this entire situation to the best of your knowledge? I know that she thinks Grandma is overbearing and osmetimes inappropriate...but does she cease affiliation and contact, refuse any assistance or input......or is this one of the "I want her to love me, she raised me and I want her approval, i don't like what she does becuase it hurts and upset me, but if I keep going back and trying to change her then someday she'll get the message and we'll have the relationship together that I need, want, and am entitled to."
Which is it?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If you don't file charges, you are also sending a message that 'grandma's' behavior is ok to you too.
Carrie
She has not called me at work in a week (she only called twice at work) I told her that if she continues to call at work I would file charges… so far so good….
Erin I think you are part right on all three… This is my take (I did talk to my g/f about this) … I feel she loves her GM and family is a big thing with her (good thing) but her GM is bipolar and just looses it at times. She just mocks and makes fun of my g/f (in public). I did talk to my g/f about this and she said when she does talk to her GM everything seems to be OK for a few days. I suggested to my g/f that she really has to stand firm with her GM… I told my g/f I don’t know how long I could hold my tongue. I think the problem with the GM is medical…. As far as breaking up with my g/f… I did think of that but we seem to be in love and I feel very strong about this feeling. I’m just at a loss… I don’t think she is looking for her GM approval just that it’s her GM.
If GM is bipolar, won't take meds regularly or at all - what needs to be faced is there is no "end" to this situation, and there is predicting the degree, depth or avenue it could run. That's because there is a medical condition that nobody is treating...and medicine might "level her out"...but it own't make her more mature, sane, rational, realistic, or reasonable.
With that in mind, that the girl can't force the GM to take meds, can't regulate it, that the condition is irreversible, needs constant monitoring.....does the girl want to continue contact with her GM?
In situations like this, what you can't ever know is how much of this behavior is "just because she wants to" or "because of her disorder". You can't be held accountable to know or predict that.
In light of that...this girl is being put in a position that requires alot of self-awareness and self-discipline. Because if her values and priorities and standards say that to cut off contact ocmpletely with the GM because of a medical condition (medicated or not) based on the actions due to the medical condition is wrong...the girl can't "cut off contact with GM". Her values won't tolerate it - now...over protracted period of time - perhaps years or decades - if the negative consequences of this behavior became invasive, impactive, started lessening the quality of her life, or her ability to succeed - she would "cut off contact" to some extent, she'd have to - self-prservation would kick in.
That doesn't mean she has to have much contact with GM.....while my mother's condition isn't bipolar - it's just an extremely disparite set of defintions of values and standards in life as a whole and so we agree on very little and her approach and her ability to fund her approach has done what I consider heinous and unforgivable damage.....I don't have much contact with her. We live 10 miles apart, we have all my life (i'm 41). At 35, I got my head on straight and started living by values - rather than feelings.
So, I still feel lots of guilt about my past actions towards her, and that won't change because I can't undo waht I did. And I can't make it up to her by catering and posturing so that she gets what she wants while i suffer thru what she wants. So, I call and ask how she's doing every week - because she's 80, in poor health, and my values say I must. I don't visit, she doesn't visit me, there is no contact except the weekly call and that is basically to ensure that nothing of a major physical issue has arisen. in taking this approach, I had alot of guilt becuase I could see that she assumed "if she really ever needed me I'd come running" - so I was forced to outright tell her that the calls are perfunctory and a matter of courtesy and respect for the position she holds in my life, but for who she is as a person as evidenced by her actions that her values inspire - I have no use or respect for her, so don't wait until there is a huge emergency and call me thinking I'll be coming to the rescue. I'll call an ambulance or the funeral home or my brother - but I'm not moving a muscle on a personal level.
That's what your girlfriend might becalled upon to do...to live with...to come to terms with...and it's ging ot take real maturity.
The thing is....GM is doing what she's doing with this girl because it "gets her the response she wants". Nbody can or should predict what response she's seeking - it could be different responses at different times based on her disorder. It's just imperative to realize that if she got "no response" - no trauma, drama, concern, or anything but perfunctory contact on a limited basis - GM would probably turn her attentions to another source that'llgive her the kind of reaction she wants to get.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Thanks again… I think you are right the GM is looking for a response from my g/f. I meet her back in Aug. and we started to date in Oct. She was living with the GM and the GM told her to move out… so my g/f did then moved out. I did notice a change of attitude with the GM. I think the GM “control freak” and want my g/f to worship her GM and see her as an icon… but I do think you are right within the next 10-15 years (or sooner) the GM will push her own granddaughter more and more away from her.
Quite likely, unfortunately, it'll keep them connected.
What we're required to navigatein our childhood and early adulthood in terms of relationship dynamics is considered "normal to us".
Quite likely, it is very "normal" for this GM to want to be controlling - to be giving and providing in exchange for adoration...and for he girlfriend to be adoring and placating to her face, and then behind her back doing what she wants.
GM did what it sounds like my mother did.....when I at 17 was doing something she didn't like. It was "choose - him or us". I choose him - in my case a huge problem.
Which is precisely why at 20, she's with someone your age. She's seeking providership and protection...she's seeking the very thing that her parental and childhood relationships should have provided her with. When I was 20 - I married a man 40....in search of the security, the "unconditional love", the guidance and nurturing I needed (and my child needed) in order for me ot "grow up". The big problem was....my mother. I couldn't break the bond...the "feelings" i had were too strong and I considered them calls to action, or goals to be relieved or to be had. So when she simply "outbid" him in terms of financially providing for our "lifestyle upgrade" - she had ME back in her alliance primarily. I wanted security, protection - I considered that "love"...she was giving more of it than he was becuase she had more "options" financially by which to do it. Immediately, I was now "in her debt and doing her bidding" within one year, we were divorced. We'd been married 4 years prior to that....while he refused to allow the lifestyle upgrade, and she tugged, pulled, manipulated, and emotionally mauled me all the while - due to the "alliance" I refused to break - becuase of "feelings' I treated as facts, goals or calls to action.
So GM said move out...and the girl has done that. But the girl continues to have contact.......wanting that "relationship" that we all want and seek - that is designed to give us "completion within ourselves" - not completion of ourselves thru others.
I interacted with my totally irrational and controlling mother from 17 to 35......because of the push/pull dynamic that I thought of as "normal". In fact, I sought relationships that mirrored it - while desperating just not wanting "her" to control me, I was perpetually putting myself in everybody's control that would affiliate with me.
Until I was ready to pursue my own life...and the bottom had to be low to do it...and I'd destoryed alot of people along the way....I wasn't ready to say "waht I understand as normal is not "waht I want" in my life. Which was a start...but then i had to define waht I wanted in my life, and pursue it - and once in it realize there was going to be great emotional unrest and anxiety as a result of "not being comfortable in this, even though I wanted it."
So don't assume that the GM is giong to push the girl away with her manipulation...it might actally keep the girl in close proximity trying to "get the relationship she perceives she needs to be complete and thus become an adult in more than just an age number regard."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com