Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Please Help
3
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 2:38pm


I recently moved in with my boyfriend. The problem is we both have a lot of emotional baggage and we both have trust issues. We met 12 years ago in high school, and had a mutual crush/flirtation/friendship that lasted for two years. We lost touch after he graduated, but reunited 7 months ago when he discovered my picture on an online dating service and called me. We went out the next day and fell in love almost instantly. We are both pretty successful. He is an accomplished jazz musician, writer and had his own IT company at age 22. I am an architect/designer. He is 27 and I am 25. He has actually been what I have compared all of my dates and boyfriends to over the years. None of them lived up to him. I am very happy with him and we have a lot of fun together most of the time. Then there are times when all of what I am about to say really weigh down on me.

We both had been in five year relationships that ended abruptly only a few months before reuniting. He ended his one and a half year marriage. And my fiance ended our two year engagement. In my situation, my ex left two weeks before we were supposed to move in together saying that he had never intended to marry me and that he had never loved me, he said he was only using me for the entire time we were together. He later pleaded to come back saying that he had lied before and that he had really just had cold feet. I went back to my ex for a month and then left once and for all, because I was completely unable to trust anything he said. We remained in communication for two months as he continued to try to make a relationship with me work. When I reunited with my current boyfriend, I told my ex that I had met someone new and that there was no chance of reconciliation. And we haven't spoken since. Even before this relationship, other boyfriends had cheated on me repeatedly and I stayed as they convinced me of their fidelity. I have also been raped by a boyfriend and emotionally abused by a different boyfriend and my father. I have been in therapy for most of my teenage and adult life and am currently on Effexor.

In my boyfriend's situation, he told his wife he was very unhappy and had fallen out of love with her. Their relationship had become mutually verbally abusive. He asked for a divorce. They remained living together until she could arrange to move out but they ended up trying to reconcile. It did not work and she moved from their home in New Jersey back to Minnesota only 2 months before my relationship with him started. So currently they are separated and because of New Jersey laws they have to be separated for 18 months before they can file for divorce.

The problem is that he still talks to her, which is fine, but she has no idea that I exist. We have been together for 7 months and have been living together for a month. He says he loves me and wants to marry me one day, but he is afraid to tell her about us because he doesn't want to hurt her and she may contest the divorce. I am so afraid that every time they speak, she may be trying to get back together with him, the way my ex was trying to with me, because she doesn't know that he is no longer available.

To make matters worse he has another ex fiance, whom he broke up with 6 years ago. But he is still friends her. He says they are only platonic friends, but while he was separated from his wife months ago, he entertained going back to her and slept with her twice. She helped him get the job he has currently and she currently works with him. She also let him move into her house, rent free, for a few months after his separation so he could save money to move out on his own. He lived there during 5 months of our 7 month relationship. He also refused to tell her about me until he moved out of her place, he said they had an agreement to not "throw each other's relationshipsin each other's faces."

One day I found a long blonde hair wrapped around his penis. I am a brunette, both his ex-wife and ex-fiance are blondes, but they have shorter hair than the hair I found. He swears he never cheated on me. I honestly don't know. I have been cheated on before and am terrified it will happen

again.

All of this is making me such a jealous, suspicious, untrusting person. I don't know what in this whole situation is normal or acceptable in a committed relationship. I have told him that I do not want our relationship to be defined by the presence of his exes forever. I understand that he is going through a divorce and contact with her is normal, but they have no children so I don't think much contact after the divorce will be warranted. He says he is being polite to his ex-fiance and that she has helped him through a lot. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I think if this all continues I will have to leave. It is driving me crazy. I want to trust that he won't go back to either of them. But I have so many trust issues because of my exes, my father and now him. Ironically, I cannot talk about anything about my previous relationships because he says he is jealous, although all of my relationships are actually in the past, not the present like his. I have become a jealous person now and I cry every time he speaks to both of them. I check his cell phone to see how often and how long they speak. And it drives me crazy that he wants to keep love notes and cards from his wife. I have looked through his stuff to find evidence of anything.I have found nothing. I have found that all of his phone calls to them are very brief. I feel bad about spying on him, but I don't want to get hurt again. He says he loves me and not either of them. He says that if he wanted to be with either of them he wouldn't have left them. He said he went back to his ex because he was lonely and also wanted to see if things could work out with her. But by going back to her for only a few weeks he realized why he had left her years ago and realized it was in fact over. He says it will take time to sort of "phase" them out of his life.He says he is sympathetic to his wife, he doesn't want to hurt her more than he already has. He says he feels guilty for breaking his promise to be married to her and take care of her forever and he says he still feels responsible for her. He says he will probaby feel responsible for her until she finds someone else. I think he should be honest with her and tell her about us so that she can know that it is time to move on. Am I over-reacting? Is all of this normal?





iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
In reply to: alohcin318
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:57am
Hey... You might not believe it, but I am in your bf's shoes. I am sorta recently divocred. Been separated for over a year. Didn't start dating my bf until about 5 months ago (about 2 months before the dovorce was final...) ANYWAY, before I start to ramble... My husband and I decided to divorce because he wasn't there for me like I needed him to me. After we divorced, we kept in touch, and still do, nearly every day. Why you ask? Well, because we've discovered that we made GREAT friends but terrible partners in a relationship. When I didn't depend on him to be there for me, he was a great guy. Now, my bf always says that he's not jealous and never cared that I talked to him. Except each time my cell would ring, my bf would say "who is that? Your ex again??" well, when my bf and I started to date, I tried to tell my ex-husband but he stopped me in mid-sentence and said " I don't want to know about you and any boyfriends you have..." so, out of respect to my ex-husband, I never finished telling him about my current bf. And again, my current bf always said he didn't care, wasn't jealous, etc, but then why would he always snidly say "who is that? You ex again??" SO, I did some long hard thinking. I put myself in my bf's shoes and thought there was NO way I would have stood for that. So, I called my ex up JUST 2 DAYS AGO and said "look, we've got to talk. I am dating someone. I am tired of hiding him from you. It's not fair to him. I still want to talk and be friends with you, but he's getting tired of having to be quiet in the car when we are together and you call..." Surprisingly, my ex took it quite well... and even though he'd never admit it, my bf was relieved. I could see it in his eyes... Long story short, your bf, I am sure, still has feelings for his ex and ex-fiance... BUT, it is completely possible and most like probable that he has MUCH STRONGER feelings for you. I know it's hard to understand. But, my being in his shoes, I can vouch for him that it's possible. I am in LOVE with my boyfriend. I still LOVE my ex-husband.. always have, always will... but, he's still me EX-husband. Now, he's one of my best friends but my bf is my BEST friend. He's the one I fall asleep next to at night. I think if you give your bf time, he'll come around. Just because he's not with them anymore doesn't mean he doesn't care for them.. and that's why he's afraid to hurt them. yes, in the long run it's disrespectful to you... (I felt guilty as hell.. but always told my bf everything that went on between my ex and me). It just finally got to me and I said "enough is enough.. I need to be fair to my bf... and turns out, my ex took it just fine anyway and I've got a big load off my shoulders...

As far as the trust and the "blonde hair..." well, I work in a career... forensics... that I deal a lot with hair.. Let me tell you. THE CRAP IS EVERYWHERE... Part of my job is to look for trace evidence (I'm a scientist) and well, unless you work with the stuff, you don't really realize that it is, in fact, everywhere... Take a look around you. If you try to account for every hair out of place, then, you'd drive yourself crazier than you already are...

That having been said, I'm not making excuses for him. Just trying to help you understand that it's possible that he has more feelings for you then those other two.. it really is... And forget about the hair. Hey, if you want to write/keep in touch, I'd love to. Sometimes it really helps to have a gal-pal that has been through or understands what you are going through. You need an outside opinion. Write me. I'm here and always willing to lend an hear.. smartredfox01@yahoo.com. Hey, if we can talk, maybe I can explan my words a bit better. I tend to get long-wonded and lose my readers...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: alohcin318
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:36pm

hi honey.... i am sorry for all the pain in your life. i understand that people have abused you and that you were raped, and that is very sad. but - you can't erase what happened to you in the past - you can only control what will happen in your present and will affect your future.


you said in the first line of your message . my advice to you - and probably not what you want to hear - is for YOU to take care of yourself FIRST. the things that you are describing - the fact that you don't trust him, the fact that you are playing PI around him - these are not signs of a healthy relationship. i don't know if he is cheating or not - and its not really the point. this is not about HIM - this is about you.


sweetie - what happened in the past is the past. its not your fault that people did bad things to you. but if you want to have a healthy life - you need to get help. just like if you had a fever, or felt a lump somewhere, or couldn't see - you would go to a doctor and get help. maybe the therapy you had didn't work, or maybe you were unwilling to take it that 'extra mile', or maybe you need to adjust your meds, i don't really know. i do know that what you are describing here is not healthy, and you deserve to be in a good relationship.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: alohcin318
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:39pm
The fact that he is hiding you from her bothers me, because you are the woman in his life and your feelings and his relationship with you should matter more to him than her feelings.

On the hair, I have to say, I've never found a strange hair on my boyfriend, but he finds MY HAIR everywhere on him. He went on a business trip, pulled out his wallet and my hair was stuck in it. One time he told me after going to the bathroom, that my hair ended up on the toilet paper - because it was in his underwear to begin with because my hair is in everything even when the clothes are washed and dried. We get massages at home and once I found the gals, long dark hair on the floor, on a towel, carried over to our bed. I know she's never been upstairs in our bedroom. So it's hard to say about the blonde hair you found.

This article has a great message in it, if you can skip the part that doesn't apply (like the ex-wife being remarried, two 'husbands'. If after reading it, you 'get it' then share it with him. Maybe he will GET IT too. My best to you.

Male Emotional Adultery Essay

When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.


Carrie