Don't know what to do.......
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Don't know what to do.......
| Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:14pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months now....I was dating him while he was going through his divorce and was still living at his house with his wife and kids....he moved out of the home got his own apartment and when have been soooo happy together...he would see his kids every other weekend like agreeded with no problems...until a few weeks ago one of his sons had a presentation at school...my boyfriend went to the school to see his son..it turns out that the boy only talked about his mother and nothing about his father in the presentation...this made my boyfriend very very upset...which I can understand...my boyfriend then in turn has come to this conclusion that he needs to move back home with the kids even though there is no relationship with the x wife and they fight all the time...I told him if he goes back that she is going to depend on him...they are going to argue and so on and that he would be back to square one again...he only wants to go back to the kids and not the x....he is so confused because he doesn't want to lose me...I have been very supportive..but it is very hard to handle....I don't know what more I can tell him that it will make it worse for him to go back then better....any suggestions...thanks for your help

First off, in any family, regardless of the make-up, their is usually ONE parent that a child holds closer. Their is usually ONE parent that provides most of the care, feeding, bathing, etc. etc. AND usually, just by the childs nature, one parent is held in higher regards. My son still thinks his father walks on water. He sees him ONLY on his weekends, hasnt paid child support in over 2 months (NOT that my son knows that, never). Point is, I provide all the care. The support, the love, the tucks into bed every night. BUT hes a daddy's boy. Nothing I can do about that - nor do I want to. Even though his dad is basically a first class loser - I want my son to respect him and love him. He deserves that at age of 10 - he NEEDS it!!! He will learn later.
As for moving back IN with the kids...wrong move!!! Not only is he allowing the ex to depend on him, he is allowing the kids to believe that everything is going back to the way it was. Not fair... not fair to him, you, the kids or believe it or not, the ex. She needs to be on her own. Have her own life. Sure, he has a responsibility but from the sound of it he is more than meeting that.
This is what my oldest sons father did to "be in the picture" (yep, two boys, two fathers) On TOP of his weekends, he called EVERY DAY!!!!! AND he arranged to pick my son up at least once during the week to go to dinner. It helps that all of us live within mere minutes of each other, but prior to his move, he had to drive over 45 min - but he did. It was important to him that he was DAD!!!
I honestly believe that if you boyfriend makes this move, that you need to give up this relationship. Its never going to be "normal" if he is living at home with his ex. It is never going to make you happy. And regardless of the fighting, I personally would not be comfortable with my bf living with another women, esp one he has lived with, loved at some point, and fathered children with. Nope, wouldnt work for me.
He needs to make changes- but not in his living arrangements. He also needs to realize that what happened, happens in "normal" families. Thats just, well, normal!!! LOL
As long as he is doing his best and making sure those kids know he loves them and giving them time and affection - hes in their hearts.
Good Luck!!!
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
Well, this is certainly a hard one. If he goes back and lives with his wife and family, he will certainly lose you. (This is not a situation you should remain in if that takes place.) Sounds like he has a lot of guilt about his son and a feeling that he has lost him. Sometimes this feeling in a man becomes so strong, that he returns and stays with the original family (despite difficulties with the spouse) until the children grow up. Otherwise he may feel he has abandonned his children in their formative years. There is really nothing you can do about this. It is a very delicate, important decision in his life and in the life of his children. It could be helpful for him to see someone to talk it over (a professional), but other than that, you should stay out. You don't want him blaming you if he doesn't return and later feels more upset and guilty about the consequences of that. Right now, the fact of the matter is that he is not available to enter into a truly committed relationship with you. He would first have to really work through his feelings about leaving his family - and set up a situation where he spent enough time with his sons to make him feel that he was doing the right thing. You now have to step back and see how he proceedes. Right now, if I were you, I would focus upon building up my own life - friends, activities and support system in general.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
To me, this would be a HUGE red flag to end this relationship. I know you adore this man but you have no idea how complicated this situation may get over the years. I married a divorced man with four children, he is my soulmate, the love of my life and it has been an excruciatingly painful situation at times over the past six years. I take a backseat to everyone in this family. We have custody and it is so much work raising a family especially when they are not your children.
Your BF has to be absolutely devoted to you and ready to make this work or it will never work. In a normal relationship where there is no divorce it takes 100% from each person. When one is divorced with children it takes 400% to make the relationship work. If he is already doubting his single life then you are in for an uphill battle. I don't think he is ready to fully committ, otherwise this thought of moving home wouldn't even enter his mind. If he chooses to move home you need to cut all ties with him out of respect for yourself and your boundaries. DO NOT let him use you for a "booty call" and then return to the married home. It's all or nothing in these types of situation.