Help me to make sense out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Help me to make sense out of this?
1
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:13am
Recently my ex and I have decided to try and give us a second chance and try and make things work out with us. In the meanwhile I found out that he was in a relationship with this women. Well at least I thought it was a women. I found out it was not a women but a girl half his age. It makes me sick to think he could have a daughter this age. He told her also recently that it was over between them. Of course she was hurt. What I found out today is that they are both still calling one another. Let me give you a back ground on how they met. They both hang out at the same place and they knew each other only to say hi. Then he helped her out of an abusive relationship and converted her to be a Christian. We are Christians. He told me that he would still like to be friends with her because he still wants to be there for her if she needs his help. Seeing that he did help her through a very difficult time in her life. Being the good Christian that I am. I said yes. Well what gets me is they are still going to be at the same place at least 5 times a week or more and she will also be at church every Sunday where he goes. I can't attend that church because it hurts me to be there with her. I told him if you are going to carry on any kind of relationship or friendship with her. I will find it very difficult to work on us. He told me a few things in the past that confused me. One was that he told her right from the beginning that he still loved me and that he was going to keep her at arms length. When he told me that he was going to keep her at arms length. I thought it meant that he would try and stay away from her. But no...those words had no value at all. He was still continuning the relationship. Now it's supposed to be over...but why still all the calls to one another? I want to beleive and trust in him in what he is tellng me but I am having a very hard time doing that. I do not want to be make a fool of. Also I will not compete with someone half my age. I don't need to! Do you think she is looking for a father figure? Do you think that this is the daughter he never had? Also he is sucessful in life and can but her anything her heart desires. I am just so confused at the moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:28pm
So he's grown attached to her because he's helped her. You are right as long as they have feelings for each other, call each other and see each other - it will be hard to work on your marriage.

So I suggest 1) marriage counseling (let the counselor tell him, he has to have NO CONTACT with this girl, 2) go to church with him - push through your hurt and present a united front, do it for your marriage if you really want to save it, don't give them the time to be alone, 3) consider talking to your pastor/minister at church, ask your husband to go with you.

My best to you.


Carrie