Really Need Some Support and Input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Really Need Some Support and Input.
2
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:24pm
My fiance has a friend who is getting married in the next month (to make things easier, I will just call his friend Tom). Anyway, Tom and his soon-to-be wife have known each other about 6 months, and they are in the honey-honey-honey moon stage. I can count the amount of times that I have been around Tom on one hand and that was before he even met his fiance. I have met her once, for about 5 minutes, and she sent me an invitation to her bridal shower, but my finace (who knows both of them) wasn't invited. We were both invited to their wedding though. But, I was almost offened that I don't know her and she sent me this invitation to the bridal shower. Then, I started thinking, my fiance and I have had to attain everything that we own ourselves. So, I felt like she doesn't even know me, but she wants a gift. Then, I switched to thinking that is very cheap of them and why does everyone need to help them out, and why is it such a big celebration. TODAY, IT HIT ME!!! I am jealous and it was very hard for me to even type that just now.

My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 and a half years, since November 2000. We talked about getting married and decided when we married it would be on our anniversary November 16th of whatever year it would be. Then, on October 28, 2001 he proposed and I accepted, of course. Since November was only one month away, we decided that we would wait until the next year, so the date was set for November 16th, 2002. We called everyone important to us and told them the good news. The beginning of November (this was still in 2001) I went to my mother's house to visit and we got bridal magazines and started picking out things that would be neat and what kind of dress I would want etc. Then, she started saying things like "Are you sure that you want to do this?" I told her that I was 100% sure and she just told me that she wished someone would have asked her those kinds of things before she got married. Anyway, so we got back to looking at dresses and things. I came back home and showed my friend what my mom and I had decided on and we got all excited about it, even though it was still over a year away. Then, my mother's birthday rolls around (November 15th, we are still in 2001) she wanted me and my fiance to come down to celebrate her birthday on November 14th because she and her fiance were going to Colorado for her birthday present (so-she-said) and they were going to be gone the 15th, 16th, and 17th of November. She asked me if my fiance and I could meet the jewler and pick up her fiances ring because it was finished and she had already paid for it. So, I got the ring and we met them to go out to dinner before they left for Colorado. When they came home, she invited us down for the weekend to tell us about Colorado etc. So, we get there and not only do I end up seeing pictures of beautiful Colorado, but also pictures of their lovely wedding (which took place on November 16 and is her third one). I was crushed, but I didn't say anything. When I did bring it up later, she acted as if I never told her the date. I felt all that excitement that I had leave. My special day had been totally minimized. I felt that niether me or my fiance were something to celebrate or the union we were so excited to make. I just wish that someone would have been excited for me about being engaged and being a beautiful bride for the first and, as far as I am concerned, the only time in my life. I feel totally unimportant. I am almost angry that my fiance's friends are going to be surrounded by caring and loving friends and family and want them to feel special because I don't think my family would even care if we went to the court house. My grandmother might send a congrats card. How do I get over this? Am I just over reacting? I feel really really hurt by this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:32pm
Hon, I understand what you want...but if what you haven't had is a close-knit, bonded, emotionally invested, involved and stable "family" that is there for one another....then, really - nobody is going to become that in terms of appearances or actuality just because of an "event".

I really do understand whre you're coming from...and I'd say that while you should accep the feelings that come with the thoughts/statements of "it's so unfair that nobody is prioritizing my wedding over their own" and such.....it's just as important to keep your expectations realistic so that your life is really a great thing to be living.

If your mother has never prioritized you overmuch - always been off doing her own thing, making sure that you're provided for, but really not overly emotionally involved in you as a child (and that does hurt, I know - and dealing with it in terms of accepting and hating it is something you need to do - because you can do both simultaneously)...she's not going to start now.

So, if you want the emotional bonds that you crave you are giong to have to form them with people that share your values and priorities and standards - not just try to form them with people that holds titles in your life and therefore "should" be doing this or that by your standards and guidelines, but they're not and you're hurt becuase "nobody loves you that way at all".

I know...I finally found my "surrogate mother" at 41...I went around for about 17 years destrying myself, my child and plenty of other people because my mother didn't love or prioritize me like I wanted..and I was sure I couldn't become everything I wanted to be without that "support, love, and unconditional acceptance" - I finally accepted that becuase we don't share values, priorities ands tandards - we'll never have that bond. And without trying - just by living up to my standards and within my values, while pursuing my goals and becoming complete - I found someone that shares all those things with me...for a partner...and I found someone who loves me like a daughter, too. I ihad to love me appropriately - before anybody else even could have tried.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:01pm
You feel what you feel and you have to process it, express it, heal it, etc. That means feeling it....and expressing it, but not to other people.

A few things:

1) your mother is insensitive

2) if 11/16 means something to you, keep the date - because it has sentimental memories for both you and your fiance, regardless of who else shares the date.

3) it's ok to feel angry, sad at that insensitivity, but you have to get to the point where you accept that you are happy with your life and the choices you are making so that other people's actions don't wear you down, hurt you, make you feel bad about yourself or your relationship.

4) you have to define what 'special' is to you. What can you do (and your fiance) to make your day special?

5) Traditionally, most bridal showers are for females and most guys don't want to participate, though the trend is changing and more are having 'couple's showers' - so I think that because Tom and your fianceare friends - you being invited was the polite thing to do. Because chances are with the friendship between Tom and your fiance, over the years you are going to see more of them. You can politely decline OR you can ask your fiance if he would like to get them/her a shower gift and send it from the both of you.

So how do you get over these feelings - venting really helps - first write your mom an UNSENT letter telling her how hurt, angry, sad, frustratated you are about her choice of wedding dates and how you felt (your nose rubbed in it), then burn it. Write one daily, if need be until you feel better. THEN write about what will make your day SPECIAL for you.

You will have a lovely wedding. Most people dream of everything being perfect, family and friend support, yet there are many more out there that don't have everything exactly as they want it, yet it means more to them based on their definition of PERFECT.

My best to you and happy planning.


Carrie