Choosing between two men

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Choosing between two men
12
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 2:57pm
I am currently in the middle of my divorce. My husband is a great guy. Handsome, trustworthy, and adores me. He is also boring, cheap and paid more attention to the dogs than to me. Every time I wanted to buy something for our house, or wanted to do something fun, I would have to pay for it (and come up with the ideas) because he "never had money" even though he made more than me and everything in the house was split 50-50. I decided to leave him because I felt like I was buried alive. We never did anything on the weekends and had very few friends. He never complimented me, and never listened to what I had to say. I would always had to give him ultimatums in order to make him react. When I decided to leave, he asked me to go to counseling, so we did. For a whole year we talked to a counselor. My husband would change for a month and go back to his old ways after that. I met someone who put me on a pedestal. I was fascinated. This new guy brought excitement back to my life. I ended up cheating on my husband and he found out. He told everyone and their mother what I had done. Even after all this, he still wanted me back. I decided to move on with my life. My relationship with this other person ended way before my husband found out. I had decided I was going to try and be happy with my husband and accept the life he had to offer. When my husband found out about my affair, I figured this was my opportunity to get out of this "trap". He moved away and I stayed behind.

I met someone else and we started dating. This guy is just the opposite of my husband. He loves to have fun, he listens to me, puts me on a pedestal, but is a big time spender and not very responsible. He has also lied to me. The relationship was a little rocky at the beginning and I started to compare him to my husband a lot. I went to see my husband a couple of weeks ago, and I felt like I missed my old life with him terribly. I asked him to try and work things out. He agreed. The new guy is also offering me the world. He doesn't know I went to see my husband. He wants us to have a future together and I know he would do anything to make me happy. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't want to hurt my husband again. Getting back together with my husband is going to be difficult because I won't be able to face his friends and family who now hate me because of what I did.

I need all the help you can give me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:14pm
Look, you're not a complete, self-aware, self-respecting, self-accepting, self-responsible person who has a great life by your own deefinitions efforts, means, and satndards.

You're terrified to go out and define your values and live by them, determine your goals and strive to achieve them, complete your life sothat you'll stop seeking an identity, protection, providership, and accept via someone else.

So, you married boring, cheap, but nice.....and once you had that going on you wanted "fun, excitement, and glamor" - so you found it only it's not "responsible, successful, or secure"...and now you're realizing that boring/cheap/nice=responsible/successful/secure.

That's the thing - you're going at everything with "waht I can get here based on what I need - and as your needs change, your priorities change, and this partner doesn't "work" for you anymore.

Try self-actualization instead of a relationship.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:58pm
Hon, you don't even know who you are or what you really want. Please, consider going back to counseling ALONE to help you get inside your head, know what makes you tick, what motivates you, etc.


Red Flags:

1)but is a big time spender and not very responsible.

Incompatible values.

2)He has also lied to me.

You get what you give out.

3)He doesn't know I went to see my husband.

Again, you get what you give out. You lied.




Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 5:15pm
Have you always been this narcissistic or is this a new thing? No wonder your life is failing along with your relationships. You are the most arrogant poster I have ever come across on these boards. I can guarantee, based on your post, that you are headed for several failed relationships in life. Let me guess, everything is always everyone elses fault? You can't have possibly done anything wrong to deserve this treatment?

You sound childish, immature and incapable of true love. Try looking in the mirror, maybe when you change YOU your life will be more satisfying! Get a shrink!! Your post was sounded like it was written by a 6 year old. Everything is about YOU and what you are not getting and how your man isn't catering to YOU!! Geeze, you are nuts!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 5:25pm
ERIN, this is too funny. Every time I respond to a poster here at Ivillage I read one of your posts and I am always happy to see that someone here has some insight and decent advice!! Your response to this poster was excellent and right on spot!! As usual when I read your posts!!

This poster needs counselling and some self-awarness therapy. You are correct, and I feel she is a tornado destroying everything in her path!! She will never find happiness or peace unless she starts lowering her expectations and taking responsibility. LIFE is not a Romance Novel, nor is it a Movie. This lady thinks the whole earth should revolve around her while her many romantic subject's turn it for her.

Love is mutal and it isn't a feeling, it's an action. It isn't materialistic or how much money someone spends on you. This lady is a self-involved piece of work. Her EX would be much better off without her. JMO!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:39am
Ladies,

There is no need to get insulting here. This person is only looking for advice. I don't see her as a "narcisistic" person. I see her more as someone craving attention. I was part of a marriage where everything I did revolved around my husband. I absolutely adored him and did everything to make him happy. The relationship turned into a "mothering" relationship that wasn't giving me what I needed. My husbands response was that it was my own responsibility to make myself happy. All I ever knew was that when you are part of a relationship you try to make each other happy. It is a two way street. Some times you are just asking for a little bit of attention from your partner. Notice this lady said her husband paid more attention to the dogs than to her. How would you ladies feel if this was your case?

You don't need to be so harsh, please. You don't know what other people have gone through that makes them act a certain way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:06pm
Erin, Jenny, and Flame

Who do you think you are? Talk about arrogance!! This member is asking for advice and you angry, bitter, lonely freaks are too screwed up to post anything but negative pseudo psychobable. If you can't be supportive and kind, stay away from people in crisis.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:13pm
Sometimes the truth hurts. I call them like I see them and if it motivates someone to know themselves better, then it's well worth it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:21pm
Having been in her "crisis" - I can relate.

Here's the problem - in a nutshell her "identity" is tied into the approval, acceptance, affirmation, admiration, and applause of others. when they like her - she likes herself - she believes her future will be so bright she's got to wear shades as a result of an alliance. All she's ever seeking in a relatonship is to "feel good about herself via their desire and acceptance of her"

That wears off...that's what infatuation is....it's "your desire for make makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you"....problem is- when the only criteria you have for choosing a partner and getting into a commitment is "I want your desire for me to make me feel good about myself" - then "real life" that nobody can control happens and instead of worship, adoration, and attention - what you get are responsibilities, effort reuqired and sacrifices - you go "wait, you're not the person I married becuase my feelings have changed" - and you immediately want a new partner - to get that "old feeling back".

It's called "codependent"...it's "without a you there is no "me" that I can stand to be around".

Guess what.....that's normal at 17 to get caught up in infatuation, mistake it for respect, admiration, true acceptance and understnding of you as an individual and get into a committd relationship - I know I did that.

But, when the feelings faded, when reality it (and it was a negative reality) becuase I had never objectively assessed his character based on his values as evidenced by his actions.......I wanted out.

I got out...I now needed success, security, happiness, protection, providership again...so I found someone "totally different" in terms of external opposites from husband #1...and in the heat of infatuation and because I believed that feelings were facts, goals, or calls to action and immediately had to be felt or stopped - I married #2.

We were together 5 years...at the end I thought he was stodgy, boring, old, unattractive, uninteresting and couldn't imagine what I'd ever seen in him....He didn't made me "feel" lke he once had.

I dumped him unceremoniously once I was sure that #3 was on the hook.....I began talking and emailing to an "old friend" who I"d worked iwth a few years before, that the attraction was mutual but never acted on...and prior to my divorce, heck within a week of me telling #2 to move out....I was on a date and in bed with #3.

And we stayed together 3 years...and at the end, I was so totally fed up with how I 'didn't feel but was entitled to feel' about my life with him....I ended that, as well. And then...I decided to "be single".

And for six LONG months, I barhopped, flirted, slept around..but there was no assurance on a regular basis that I wuld be worshipped, adored, provided for and placated in that environment. So, I fell in love with #4...who fell in love with the options I could provide....and finally after 8 years of massive destruction in that marriage.....the pattern stopped.

When I got out of that - I was determined to create a great life on my own so that I'd know what a great life was. I'd worked in every profession, I'd had everything and lost it, I'd been nothing but "married but never loved"...and I had no clue who I was, waht I wanted, what I stood for, where I was headed or how I was going to get there. I stopped because of the "pattern".

My pattern was abusive guy/////boring,responsible guy//////abusive guy/////boring,responsible guy.....Each level of "abusive" was differently defined..and each time boring/responsible was also redefined. The problem in the last marriage was - if THAT was "boring/responsible - I couldn't handle th e next round of "abuse"!

So, I self-actualized, I got a great life....I found a great partner - not a great provider or source of identity. That's all I'm encouraging her to do - because right now she sees relationships as salvation, security, success, happiness, and a source of identity - and that is not what they are, or ever will be...and she'll be miserable and have hell on earth by continuing with her pattern.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:25pm
If this is 'calling them like you see them', then you are blind. This member should be applauded for having the courage to date after a break up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:04pm
Ok, show me.

Here's how I see it, from the original post:

1) I am currently in the middle of my divorce.

2) I met someone else and we started dating.

3) I went to see my husband a couple of weeks ago, and I felt like I missed my old life with him terribly.

That's not dating. She is still married, though separated. Jumped back into 'dating' before the divorce was final and certainly no healing went on, no issues were dealt with, no grieving was done. No self-awareness.

The relationship with the other guy - her words:

1)but is a big time spender and not very responsible.

My comment - Incompatible values.

2)He has also lied to me.

3)He doesn't know I went to see my husband.

Again, you get what you give out. You lied. He lied.

Also, please give her some advice since you disagree with all of us.




Edited 4/2/2004 3:07 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

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