Difference between break & break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Difference between break & break up?
7
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:49pm
Hello everyone - My boyfriend & I have been together for just about 4 months....

Just curious, he has just decided that he needs a *break* or some *space* from me. I am not handling this well at all!!! Things were great and all of a sudden this? He is having some emotional problems right now, he has been through a lot and i guess he is trying to find himself and learn how to deal with certain issues in his life. Anyway we had a talk the other night because he has been distant and he told me that he needed a *break*. Naturally I started crying my eyes out! And I started telling him how I knew i was losing him, and that i feel like he doesn't love me now etc... He keeps reassuring me that yes he still loves me, and he is not breaking my heart and that I am not losing him at all! But I feel so different! My own insecurities I guess. What do I do?? He still calls me although he hasnt called today yet.... I don't know what to do -

HELP

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:44pm
well... this is very very common. in fact most of us went through this. they just need their space, personal time, etc. at least he still calls you and cares about you. just give him the space he needs, don't try to pull him back, it'll only push him away further. go to a movie, hangout with your girl friends. don't worry about him. he'll get over it - but only on his own. you can't help him. you can only leave him alone and let him go his own thing. good luck! its hard but you'll get through it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:10pm
Hey thanks for your response! Do you think that he will start to miss me and realize that he is making a mistake, or should I expect that he is gonna pull away and decide thats it - it's over?? SO CONFUSED!!! I am having such a hard time!! HELP

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:33am
Nothing is guaranteed. You should use this "space" to explore your own options. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone who will change your perspective on your space-hungry buddy? It sounds like you're more invested in the relationship than he is, so you're feeling more pain and anguish than he is. This too will pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:57am
Hi, I'm dealing with this very same thing right now. My boyfriend did this to me a couple months in to our relationship, and I too was very upset. Where I went wrong was, I freaked out, and tried to spend more time with him, when this is what made him want space to begin with. So the more I pushed him and clung on, the farther away he became. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and that he is stressed out, and he's not sure if he wants a serious relationship, but that he cares about me and isn't interested in meeting or being with anyone else. My advice to you is, keep in contact with him, be friendly and support him, but let him have his time. Don't push to see him, or complain about how ya'll haven't hung out in awhile. Basically, don't pressure him to make a decision. This is what I did, and my bf got really frustrated and we ended up fighting all the time. But now that I've stopped pressuring him, we get along a lot better. Granted, we aren't really together right now, but I now he cares about me, and he still calls me. So give him his space and time, and you go out and have fun with your friends. It may take awhile too, so be prepared to be patient. He may have just decided that he can't handle a serious relationship at this point in his life. But, if it's meant to be, then it'll work out. So, in summary, keep in touch, keep it lighthearted, and have fun on your own. Good luck, believe me, I know how incredibly hard this is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:45am
Oh Anna,

First, take a deep breath. Good. Now let it out. Repeat as necessary. :)

This is not necessarily the end. This is some decompression time. A relationship "time out." He didn't call off the game. He just called time out. We all reach a point at some time in our lives where we fell the need to call a time out just to be 100% that we're in the right place. Trust me, it's better to take a break and be sure one way or the other than to continue with him not knowing for sure if the relationship is right. In the meantime, take a moment to consider the relationship for yourself.

While you're on your break, treat it as extra time to spend on you. Go shopping, catch up with friends you may have lost touch with, go get a makeover at the mall. Take this time to do something special for yourself. Take care of you right now and try not to worry about him. After all, he's doing enough worrying about him for both of you.

Take care,

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:52am
Beleive it or not, this break will work in your favor if you handle it right. Taking a break does not necessarily mean it is about you, unless your instincts are telling you, based on history, that things are not going right.

That does not seem to be the case, your history is fine.

People take breaks for many reasons. For example, when I was diagnosed with a disease, I thought I really was not ready to be in a relationship any more. I needed time to sort things out on my own, before being bombarded from other people, especially my then boyfriend.

He reacted a lot like you did, and I resented it. He thought he was being punished, because I needed a break, and I thought he was being insensitive to me, and his reaction made me angry.

Trust me, give the guy some space. It will call attention to your inner strength, which will only make you look even more desirable, and not so dependent.

This is actually a blessing in disguise. If it was truly meant to be, when you are together again, it will make you that much stronger as a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:33am
Anna,

Been through this twice.. First if he needs a break after 4 motnhs you must really wonder about this .. Is he always going to need a break.. Men act like this when they dotn know what they want in a relationship . Wouldnt you rather have someone knwo what they want in a realtionship ... He could come back he could not.. But I have ran into when they always ended up calling and we took it slow again but then the same stuff happens.. If he does come back think about ti talk to him and let him show you he wont do this again... If he does I would toss him out completely.. It hurts at first but time does heal.. I woudl at this point not call him he needed the break.. I ahv etwo guy roommates one of them needed a break from his girlfriend and she calls him still like twice a week and he is pushing more away.. Jsut let him contact you and when he does be friendly and like hi hows it going.. Say you rdating around meeting people and having fun..