The ohter girl...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
The ohter girl...
3
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:24pm
I am engaged to a fairly wonderful man. I am not a jealous person when it comes to his women friends unless they give me a reason to be concerned. I have never had any problems with any of them until Amy came along. I found out that Amy used to date my Fiance about 3 months before we started dating. (We have been together almost two years) They only kissed once and never slept together. My Fiance told me that the reason why he decided not to continue dating her was because she had some real "issues" and he found out she was on medication for mental problems. (Kinda scared him since he ex before that had the same problem) When we first started dating, he told me about the women he had dated before, and kinda put the picture of Amy being psycho. I was glad that she was not someone I would have to hang around with. But, all of a sudden she started calling my Fiance, emailing him, and stopping into his work. He would always tell me what she would say and the constant thing I remember hearing was everytime she talked to him she would ask: How are you guys doing? Are you happy? I thought it was a bit weird, but I let it go. The next thing I know, I am eating dinner with my guy and his cell rings, he picks it up and starts talking. Once he gets off I was like, who was that? He said it was Amy. I was definetly upset because that was my dinner alone time with my guy and I hardly get to sit and eat dinner with him without interuptions. I started to let him know that I really did not care for her behavior. To me, guys can have women friends, but there should really be a line drawn between time for your friends and time for your woman.

Anyways, after I said that, I didn't hear about her anymore. The months passed and all of a sudden out of the blue she sends an email to him. I was standing right behind him and he said. Oh it's from Amy. I asked if I could read it, being curious and all. He said sure. I read this email until I got to the bottom. In the email she was asking him if he wanted to come to a oil wrestling match at a local bar. She said he could even bring me if he wanted and then at the very bottom she put:

Don't you think it's about time I meet what it is your going to marry?

I was appalled! How can someone who has never met me, refer to me as it? I was really upset so I asked him if I could respond to her email to let her know how much she hurt my feelings. He said I could. So I sent her a message letting her know that I did not wish to meet her anymore since she refers to me as an object and not a person. I also stated that I felt she did me wrong and I am definelty upset with her. She wrote me back and was like totally on the defense saying she really did want to meet me and if my fiance and I are upset she will never talk to him again. But never once did she apologize. When my fiance saw her response from my email, and her saying I will never talk to him again. He actually got upset because he feels she will never talk to him again. Im like, wait a minute here, am I not more important here and was I not wronged? What do you think? Sorry about the longness! Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:27pm
What about "patterns' don't you understand.

His ex had the same problems as Amy....he was with the ex..he was with Amy although their relationship didn't last. but what your guy is "comfortable" with is psycho - that's why Amy is so important to him. He's very comfortable in this "psycho" dynamic.

The environmetn was raised in imitated these "psycho" relationships - and he knows how to navigate in them to get what he wants....now matter how destructive or dysfunctional the rest of us would consider it - he considers this "not out of the norm".

You want to realize that people "using you to break a pattern" aren't necessarily working on their issues nad problems that make them "want to stay in the pattern."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:47pm
This is not a good situation for many reasons. To me it sounds like he gets something from this continued contact from her - ego stroked, attention, feeling wanted/needed. Guys can't read girls, no more than girls can read guys. But usually girls can read girls and vice versa....so in my opinion you were reading all the red flags and he was ignoring them.

1) he decided not to continue dating her was because she had some real "issues" and he found out she was on medication for mental problems.

2)all of a sudden she started calling my Fiance, emailing him, and stopping into his work. (he didn't hide this from you which is a plus in his favor, BUT he did NOT set appropriate boundaries with her either.)

3) her questions - How are you guys doing? Are you happy? (She was fishing and he didn't know it.)

4) I am eating dinner with my guy and his cell rings, he picks it up and starts talking. (Again, he didn't set a boundary with her.)

5) Don't you think it's about time I meet what it is your going to marry? (Ok,, so she doesn't have manner, but you shouldn't have taken it personal, gotten upset and AGREED to meet her. She needs to see a united front.)

6) She wrote me back ... But never once did she apologize. (She's not going to, so don't wait for it.)

7) When my fiance saw her response from my email, and her saying I will never talk to him again. He actually got upset because he feels she will never talk to him again. (Bad, bad sign. Again, I think he likes her attention.)

8) Im like, wait a minute here, am I not more important here and was I not wronged? (Not so much wronged but his relationship with you should be more important.)

Try reading Dr Laura's book - 10 Things Couples do to mess up their relationship. Let her tell him that he needs to set boundaries.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:26pm
Ask your fiance how he woudl feel ifg you had a guy you dated that was doing the same thing.. I am sure he would be pretty upset.. He doesnt even need to be talking to her.. Its not like they were good freidns were they.... Its a stupid game and he needs to grow up...