My husband makes me feel guitly, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
My husband makes me feel guitly, help!
3
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:14pm
My husband and I rarely fight but when we do he always makes me feel guilty that I am mad at him. Yesterday he was suppose to get off work at 4:00pm. I had made plans to do something and called him at 4:45 to tell him about it, he asked me to wait to go until he came home because he wanted to go with me, I told him I would. Then at 6:20 - two hours after he should have been home - I called him to see about dinner. He told me I should go to the place by myself. I was mad that he did not call me earlier to tell me I should go by my self when I had time to go. Then he told me he would talk to me later because I was being rude. When he got home at 7:00pm he told me I owed him an apology for getting mad at him for working late. I told him I was not mad that he worked late but that he knew he was working late and did not call to let me know to continue with my plans on my own. Then he made me feel guilty by "saying, I wanted to spend time with you but you are being rude." I told him I also wanted him to go but that I have to go to bed early and get things ready for work and now it is late. Also, he is a cop and the worst thing he siad was, "if you are mad at me for being late you go talk to the guy who got shot in the face and tell him your mad because he made me work late so I could write a report." That was really mean and he does that all the time to make me feel guilty.

Then today I tired talking to him about it and before I would even get two sentences out to explain why I was upset he just hung up on me. When ever he does something to make me mad he always finds a way to turn it around and he plays the victim. Then what I am upset about does not get addressed or solved because I spend the rest of the conversation aplogizing.

What can I do, I have so much built up resentment and I don't know how to approch him so he will not lash out at me but listen to me. I don't want to feel like the bad guy.

Aprilred

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:32pm


"I don't want to feel like the bad guy."

Then quit feeling like the bad guy.

You have a RIGHT to be angry when your husband doesn't call you when he's going to be late from work. It would take him two minutes to pick up that phone while he's writing his report and say, "Hon, I'm sorry, there was an emergency at work and I'm going to be late. I'm estimating I'll be home at _______, but I will call you if it's later than that."

Voila...problem solved.

The fact that he won't do that and tries to play the martyr is *his* deal; you can't change that. All you can do is change how you react to it, which in turn may have the effect of changing his behaviors.

Be sure to use "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences when you talk to him about things like this.

In other words, "I feel disrespected when you don't bother to call me to tell me you're going to be late"

instead of

"You should call me when you're going to be late! You are rude and disrespectful!"

This has the effect of getting your point across without putting him on the defensive. He can't reasonably argue with how you feel - your feelings are your feelings, after all.

Also, don't ALLOW him to make you feel like the bad guy! Any reasonable woman would feel angry if her husband didn't call her when he was late coming home from work. There's NOTHING wrong with you feeling angry about this, so don't let him convince you that there is! STOP APOLOGIZING! He does this because he knows you'll back down. You stop backing down and he'll eventually learn that he can't intimidate you any more.

Repeat after me: I have the right to be angry about this. I have the right to be angry about this.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:38pm
Hi April!

Your husband actually sounds a lot like my bf of 2 years. He sounds extremely manipulative. My bf is exactly like that. For instance(and this is just one of many examples I can give). About a week and a half ago we were joking around with it eachother and then he said something to me that was completely out of line and off the topic of what we were joking about. It was also very hurtful to me. I became really upset and asked him why he would say that. I told him that if I ever said anything like that to him I knew how upset he would be. He then got upset, stood up and started raising his voice because he said he felt that I was rude in the way I chose to tell him that I didn't like what he said. He said that he felt like I was trying to initimidate him and he didn't appreciate it and then he stormed out of the kitchen. I was so shocked at what had just transpired. I couldn't believe how blantantly once again he took the focus off of the real issue which was the fact that he really insulted me and turned it into me upsetting him.I was so angry and I still am. We didn't talk for a week and a half but today we are actually supposed to discuss what happened so we'll see....

The thing is that he always does this and it's really hurtful. Sometimes he'll say something or do something really inconsiderate or mean and then if I get upset about it and voice my opinion or if I just don't want to talk to him because I'm upset he actually starts telling me that I'm mean and that I'm being rude and he makes it seem like everything is my fault. This is so unfair. I feel for you especially since you're married to your guy. The thing he said about the guy being shot in the face was totally un called for and in my opinion too much info. for you. You really didn't need to hear that because it had nothing to do with you at all. That was a very low blow on the part of your husband and it further shows how low he is willing to stoop to manipulate and make you feel bad at all costs. These types of people are really difficult to talk to because according to them they are never at fault and never take responsibility for anything. Maybe counceling could help you guys? Have you considered it? Do you think he'd try it? Something tells me that if he's anything like my bf he won't take it seriously at all.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you,

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:05pm
Amy and Shay thank you for the advice.

Amy, you made a great point by saying the following: "He can't reasonably argue with how you feel - your feelings are your feelings, after all." I know what I need to do and thank you for reinforcing it!

Shay, I am sorry that you are also having problems with your man, good luck today with him. My husband always turns things around. Like on Valentines Day when he did not get me something he told me that he didn't need to because he loves me and that if I loved him as much as he loves me I would understand. On my b-day he didn't get me a card when I voiced my concerns he again turned it around. My husband never aplogizes and he see's himself as always being right, just like your BF. It is one of the hardest things. I asked him once, "What don't you like about yourself?" Maybe a stupid questions and his reponse was, "I try not to think about my self in any negative way, so nothing." Therefore I am alway the negative one.

I have decieded today that he will have to be the one to apologize if he want's me to talk to him. Last night when he slept on the couch I did nothing to talk him out of it, like i normally would have, actually I am the one who usually sleeps on the couch.

I will be strong for you Shay and you can think of the advice you gave me and use it to be strong today with your BF.

Amymb2003, thank you again, what you said really touched me. Thanks again!

Kim