Let it go for good??
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Let it go for good??
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:40pm |
I'm new to this so here goes... I was with my b/f for 4.5 years - we met at college my first week there. He was my first real boyfriend and first everything. We have dated ever since with a couple of mini (2 week max) breakups along the way - ex: he turned 21 and wanted to go out, i did the same, etc. A year ago we both moved home after graduation. This has been a very trying time for us since we are both close to our familes and we live at our respective parent's house. He started his career and I started graduate school. He is a great guy - wonderful family, great morals and values, same ideas on raising kids, etc. The one problem is that i don't always feel like he appreciates me, he takes me for granted sometimes which hurts my feelings being that i am so sensitive and would do anything for him. About 6 months ago i started to really think about my future and what ours together would be like. Basically i wondered it this is as good as it gets. During this time I started to put myself first. The people in my grad school classes that are around my age group and not married happen to be 3-5 guys so i began to hang out with them. When i would ask my b/f to meet me after class for coffee, etc just to see each other since we only can see one another on the weekends (i have night school 4 days a week) he always had an excuse - stuff for work, playing on a softball team, etc. Well, when he didn't make the effort for me, i didn't want to do it back so i would hang out with my classmates. It was a cycle, the more he withdrew, the more i did until it just spiraled out of control. Time spent together was not enjoyable or fun. We didn't communicate at all. That has been one of his biggest faults for a while - when there is a problem, his way of dealing with it is to just pretend it will go away - which it never does so it is never solved.
In January i couldn't take it anymore and i broke up with him. It lasted 1.5 weeks and then we started talking again. The next 3 weeks were great - the honeymoon period all over again. Then we started to talk about moving in together as we had over the past several years only this time it would be for real. We couldn't agree on where based on his job and my new job so again his way of dealing with it was to just not talk about it.
To complicate matters one of the guys from my school has feelings for me and i did too for him since my realtionship was lacking. I would never cheat on anyone so that is out of the question. 2.5 weeks ago my b/f and i were not clicking again so i ended it and it felt different this time - kind of a weight off my shoulders. I went out for coffee with the guy from my class and we kissed. It was very nice but different since i have been with my b/f for so long. This guy from school is a very nice guy - would really treat me like a queen. Problem with him is that his background and past is a little more colorful than mine. He has been with many partners when he went through the "partying stage" a while back. I on the other hand have been with 2. Trust is not an issue here, i would trust him. But i can't help wonder when he gently touches my face or hand or whatever - how many other's has he done this with. If we were to ever be a couple and sleep together i would for sure want us to get tested for sure.
So back to the orginal issue. About 3 days ago, my ex of 4.5 years says he needs to make some decisions about his future (getting a condo, etc) and if there is going to be an "us" in the near future he wanted to talk to me about it. I declined and said he needed to make his own deicisions for himself - what is best for him. He then called later and said how much he missed me and how he is going to marry me as we used to talk about. I told him i didn't believe him, as he has said this before. He asked me then if he could prove this to me and earn his way back. In the mean time for me to do what i have to do but i guess talk to him occasionally and maybe even have dinner - to begin to slowly date again. Of course i want to give him another chance but my head is saying not yet - only been 2 weeks. I still am hurt at how things were and am scared to let my guard down with him again and give him a chance.
I am a one guy kind of girl. My heart is all or nothing for someone. I am not sure what to do as far as either guy. The guy from class is great but it is new and everything is great at that point. Every relationship has its issues. His past concerns me and i'm not sure how to deal with that. I know i am not ready to give my ex of 4.5 years a chance yet. i need a bit more time and told him that. he said take your time and let me know if and when i would be ready for him to prove it to me. In the mean time, what do i do? I would like to give the new guy a chance - he is very genuine and has shown a strong interest for over 5 motnhs even when he knew i had a boyfriend. We were kissing last night which led to a little more and i'm sure how to deal with that. i tend to see things in black and white with no gray. So i am trying to figure out if i should wait to give my ex a chance and still hang out with the new guy or rule the ex out for good..... too many possibilities.... Any suggestions?? I know this is confusing!! Thank you soo much!!!!
In January i couldn't take it anymore and i broke up with him. It lasted 1.5 weeks and then we started talking again. The next 3 weeks were great - the honeymoon period all over again. Then we started to talk about moving in together as we had over the past several years only this time it would be for real. We couldn't agree on where based on his job and my new job so again his way of dealing with it was to just not talk about it.
To complicate matters one of the guys from my school has feelings for me and i did too for him since my realtionship was lacking. I would never cheat on anyone so that is out of the question. 2.5 weeks ago my b/f and i were not clicking again so i ended it and it felt different this time - kind of a weight off my shoulders. I went out for coffee with the guy from my class and we kissed. It was very nice but different since i have been with my b/f for so long. This guy from school is a very nice guy - would really treat me like a queen. Problem with him is that his background and past is a little more colorful than mine. He has been with many partners when he went through the "partying stage" a while back. I on the other hand have been with 2. Trust is not an issue here, i would trust him. But i can't help wonder when he gently touches my face or hand or whatever - how many other's has he done this with. If we were to ever be a couple and sleep together i would for sure want us to get tested for sure.
So back to the orginal issue. About 3 days ago, my ex of 4.5 years says he needs to make some decisions about his future (getting a condo, etc) and if there is going to be an "us" in the near future he wanted to talk to me about it. I declined and said he needed to make his own deicisions for himself - what is best for him. He then called later and said how much he missed me and how he is going to marry me as we used to talk about. I told him i didn't believe him, as he has said this before. He asked me then if he could prove this to me and earn his way back. In the mean time for me to do what i have to do but i guess talk to him occasionally and maybe even have dinner - to begin to slowly date again. Of course i want to give him another chance but my head is saying not yet - only been 2 weeks. I still am hurt at how things were and am scared to let my guard down with him again and give him a chance.
I am a one guy kind of girl. My heart is all or nothing for someone. I am not sure what to do as far as either guy. The guy from class is great but it is new and everything is great at that point. Every relationship has its issues. His past concerns me and i'm not sure how to deal with that. I know i am not ready to give my ex of 4.5 years a chance yet. i need a bit more time and told him that. he said take your time and let me know if and when i would be ready for him to prove it to me. In the mean time, what do i do? I would like to give the new guy a chance - he is very genuine and has shown a strong interest for over 5 motnhs even when he knew i had a boyfriend. We were kissing last night which led to a little more and i'm sure how to deal with that. i tend to see things in black and white with no gray. So i am trying to figure out if i should wait to give my ex a chance and still hang out with the new guy or rule the ex out for good..... too many possibilities.... Any suggestions?? I know this is confusing!! Thank you soo much!!!!

I understand what you mean about being a one guy kind of girl. I guess if you really want to consider staying with the first guy, I would talk over some "rules of engagement" first. If he wants to make reasonable concessions, then maybe you two have a shot at having a happy relationship. Otherwise, I would just anticipate more of what happened in the past after things got "settled".
As far as the other guy, I wouldn't leave him hanging too long. I don't know how much you want to explain about your ex to him. I guess if you want to see if it might work with your ex, I'd do it quickly, kind of a crash course for the future. Maybe even act a little out of character so he'll bow-out quickly. Then, if he doesn't seem like he'll change, I'd probably just date the other guy and forget him. I hate to say that in a way, because I know how you'd probably like to be with only one guy for life ever. However, if something isn't working, it just isn't.
I don't know what to think about the other guy's partying days. I find those kind of things quite upsetting and indicative of character. However, if he's reformed, those other memories might not mean much to him, any more. I guess I'd just watch for slips of the tongue that would indicate he hasn't given it up. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Generally, you can get a pretty good idea of what someone's about by what they DON'T plan to say, I think. Best of luck to you!