Men and online porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Men and online porn
7
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:43pm
Has anyone out there found porn on their fiance/husband's computer? I just found some material on the computer we BOTH share and confronted him about it. I feel horrible. Just picturing him looking for this stuff on purpose makes me sad and feel like I don't know him. It wasn't a part of our relationship before and we're getting married in 5 months. We've been together 9 years! Now I don't know if I can go through with it. While it may not be the worst thing he could do, it makes me feel deceived and downright nauseated. Any advice, ladies? Thanks!!


Edited 4/2/2004 5:45 pm ET ET by nyc1027
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 5:31pm
Yes, I have found porn on my husband's computer, and I don't think it's a big deal. It's just fantasy like anything else. In your case, I think that as long as the man isn't addicted to porn or choosing it over having sex with you, then it's not anything to get upset about. He probably didn't let you know about the porn because he knew you would freak out and he wanted to avoid that issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:45pm
When I hear respones like,don't worry,no big deal,it makes me think of my own situation.My so started by just looking at porn on the web. Then I found his profile on some adult dating sites. Then I found him looking at all these escort services and 2 years ago found a email where he set up an appointment to meet one of the escorts and this was only a few months after we noved in together. He said he never met her and cancelled at the last minute asking himself, what is he doing. I have a hard time believing him and our relationship is very rocky right now. I may leave soon because he still looks at porn and I don't think that is a problem if it is once in a while but it depends on what kind of porn, like sites where you can meet other people or cyber sex, I believe is a BIG problem so I can only say, you need to keep an eye on things and just the fact that it is done behind your back is not good for the relationship and trust issues. Then I hear that most divorces these days are linked to web porn.

I hope your issue is not a serious one like mine.

j

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:08pm
I've been dealing with the same thing myself for about a month now. I found out while i was using his computer to look up somethings and everything I start typing at the address bar, all these adult sites started to appear. I was disgusted, nauseated, I didn't even want him to touch me after that. I know I panicked and so i thought things out with logic but didn't do me any good. I've put up a post back in march and many people told me it's no big deal as long as things don't get meeting up for real sex. I still don't know what to do cause I tried to talk to him about it and he keeps denying it. He tells me it's from spam and pop ups. I've looked in the history and it tells me what he's visited some of these sites multiple times. I can't figure out why he'll continue to lie to me when i've told him it's ok. The thought that he looks at porn bothers me but what really hurts me is that he keeps lying about it. I'm torn too... I've thought about leaving him numerous times today... yesterday. But I know I love him. I don't know if staying with him knowing he does this and suffer the consequences of more damage is better or suffering the loss of the one I thought could be my soul mate makes me just devastated. I just wanted to let you know, I feel the same pain you do, and have the same confusions and anger and not knowing what to do. But all in all, if you subtract this out of the picture, how else does he rate as a future spouse? I know I couldn't imagine a future without my boyfriend...

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:47pm
you know, i used to not think about porn that much. i even saw some on tv before and it didn't offend me, and it didn't bother me to know my boyfriend looked at some before we were together-i was even curious and wanted to know things he liked etc. but when i found things on computer after together, i was deeply deeply hurt. partly because we were having trouble and that was when he turned to it, also because i was hurt he didn't share it with me. but after thinking more and more, i realize i have a problem with this almost socialization that it's ok for men to have fantasies of other women. that it's normal for a guy to want variety to not get bored and stray or whatever. but you know, women like variety too but there's not this same social acceptance and i wonder why. it's like it's socially expected that women accept men to have porn. but why? how would a guy feel if his significant other got off thinking about other guys than him? i mean, why if you are in a monagomous relationship is it ok to stray in mind because it's fantasy? i feel like as much as we hear it's not a big deal, it's not real, if you look at the girlfriends and wives, they are devestated so it is a big deal. i feel it's because the imagination is using another woman, and there's this wondering of- why does he need to imagine anyone else besides me to get turned on, to get off? and i haven't found any answers to this except 'all men do it' or 'men need variety' (because of evolutionary genes or whatever) 'men are visual creatures' (and so are many women too) or something like that. but you know, there's lots of impulses that could be evolutionary, genetic. i feel it's an excuse because it's not necessary. i guess i'm of the opinion that if i imagine myself being intimate with anyone else, i am in a way cheating because why would i want to be with anyone else if i'm in a commited relationship? and i know it's not my own twisted neurosis feeling this way. i know my boyfriend would be hurt if i said i imagined myself with another man, much like i would be hurt knowing he imagined himself with another woman. so maybe it's a question of asking your partner if these type of things bother either of you. if it doesn't then ok. but if it does, if it's not ok with you, why should you accept anything because society says it's normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:37pm
I totally agree. Christ said that if a man looked on a woman to lust after her, he had committed adultery with her already in his heart. I believe that we are guilty of every sin we would have committed given the opportunity, which would include fantasizing. I appreciate you ladies being willing to say something. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, said that pornography got him started down the path he went. Pornography is degrading and devaluing for both sexes. It's like taking a drug and hoping not to get hooked. Sure, some people may not have as much of a weakness as others, but every one of them is playing with fire.

As far as whether you still want to marry, that's tough one. I couldn't stand nor tolerate it if I thought my SO was looking at that stuff. What's the point of getting married if it's just a sacrament of adultery. That's how I feel about it. Obviously, that's too strong for a lot of people. I just feel that a man who cannot be trusted in fantasy cannot be trusted in reality, either. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Absolute best wishes in whatever you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 8:09am
WOW incredible to know that this issue is as wide spread as it apparently is! And my story is so close to all of yours that discovered something that was meant to be a secret - but for what reason? If it is OK and acceptable within the relationship,why the secretcy- if it is "normal" and "no big deal?" then why hide it and deny the behavior? (mine did the blame game on the pop-ups too)- The difference for me as I'm already married - and feel my options are limited because of the denial and refusal to talk like adults regarding feelings of betrayal and disrespect. If it is "innocent" then why not explain...ie: "honey I love only you, this is a curiosity nothing more; I didn't know or consider it would hurt you or make you feel insignificant - how can we work this out". I just think those are warning signs for your future regarding communication or lack of. For me I know this refusal to communicate has become a "power play" - he's in charge, holding the reins. So I either "get over it" or push the limit and be ready to accept the end product...which could be the end of the marriage/relationship. For you I would advise you to ponder seriously pushing him for an outcome before the wedding. How does he truely value your feelings? Enough to be honest? Enough to father? Hind sight is 20/20 - you have an opportunity now to save yourself some heartache and humiliation later by withstanding some heartache now. Besides - he may step-up-to-the-plate and really let you know that he IS the man you always knew he was and address the issue so you can BOTH be happy or come to a compromise that's acceptable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:12pm
I don't think porn is horrible if it is an occasional thing, being done in an open, honest relationship. My boyfriend have been together for about 6 six years and every now and then, we would watch a flick together. However, as did other people on this post, I was on the computer one day (we were having huge problems at that time) and viola, I hit control H and see a bunch of naked women. I was devastated and felt betrayed. Coupled with everything else going on in the relationship, that was the last straw to me moving out. When confronted, he was defensive and guilty as all hell. He tried to find a way to make it my problem or act like it was no big deal, but it was obvious he was upset about being caught. Although I never moved back in with him, we did reconcile after a few months. He told me that he did it to masterbate and rarely looked at the sites etc. Anyway, he apologized for it. Although he still did not percieve it as being terrible, he did seem genuinely sorry for breaking trust and hurting me. Oh and of course, he promised to never do it again. Years later, I am at his house and decide to check and make sure, checked the history and guess what I saw? Porn sites of course. Not like a huge amount, but there nonetheless. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time again. I was mortified. He always went on about how beautiful and sexy I was and yet was occcasionally checking out porn without my knowledge. I never really thought it was because he thought these chicks looked better, but it did take away from the pedastal he placed me on and more so destroyed trust. At first, the thought of him touching me was disgusting. I eventually got over it for the most part. Should I have? I don't know. Will I if I ever find it again? Not likely. One can only clobber trust so much. Depending on the situation, I think guys just think of it differently. In his case, I am confident he does not imagine other girls when we are intimate. He just has used the sites to get off when I'm not around. I get it, but it still doesn't excuse doing something he knew would hurt me. The worst thing is if the guy is hiding it from you, he obviously knows it is wrong or hurtful, yet does it anyway. Te porn site stuff is a problem, but if in your case, it is the only real problem, maybe you can work it out. You feel how you feel about it despite how others think you should feel. So, he needs to respect that. If he doesn't, then chances are you will, like another post said, be facing more heartache with that issue or others down the road.