he wont admit he cheated-but i'm no fool
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he wont admit he cheated-but i'm no fool
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:24pm |
Any advice?
Edited 4/5/2004 12:13 pm ET ET by liberty50
Edited 4/5/2004 12:13 pm ET ET by liberty50

1) They said something about "I'm looking forward to the same thing you're looking forward to" and "I really care about you" (these are my husband's comments).
2) They also exchanged 'private' non-university email addresses.
3)I tried checking his other email account, but he had changed his password.
4) He explained to me that this girl had a crush on him and had approached him.
5) they had gone out for coffee and she ended up saying she was so attracted to him that she was tempted to cheat on her boyfriend.
6) I found an opened condom wrapper in the nightstand drawer.
7) I had also found some women's sunglasses on the coffee table..
8) Instead of my name there, the id of that student of his was there!
9) when he said that this girl had been so upset, he had invited her over for coffee, they had talked, she checked her email, and left. He said they never kissed or touched or anything.
So he LIKES her attention, it strokes his ego AND HE DOESN'T SET BOUNDARIES WITH HER because he doesn't want to.
Other reading material:
When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
You've only been married six months and so far it doesn't appear to be working out very well at all. You're foolish if you think he didn't take that woman to your bed and you'd be even more foolish to assume that he wouldn't lie to you about anything again.
The thing is, he isn't even a good scheming liar, he is obviously either really stupid or was just dying to get caught. If I were standing in your shoes, I'd run as fast as I can the other way.
I say this for two reasons. One, it happened so early on in the marriage, you can guarantee that if were to stay, that this is going to be a normal pattern in your marriage. People who act horrendous this early in the game, have no intentions of EVER acting right during the life of the marriage. I know a lot of men that cheat on their wives, and they feel entitled to it for one reason or another.
The second reason is lack of remorse. The first red flag is his constant denying, when everyone knows he has been caught. The additional denying element, just adds another false factor to your marriage, and now he thinks your are an idiot. The longer it goes on, the less respect he is going to have for you. People who are truly sorry, will come clean, and then beg for forgiveness, and whatever punishment ensues after that. Because he is unwilling to come clean, he is unwilling to give up this affair, and you have to wonder, what are YOUR priorities for this marriage?