Do I need to get over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Do I need to get over it?
6
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:00am
I have a problem with girls who give "The Test". Why do they do this?

Usually it involves a lot of drama and I have to stand up because I am disrespected. Now, I have the cajones to stand up to someone who is is disrespecting me, but the problem will be the relationship. For some reason, I can not go out with these girls again. Even if they say I am sorry.

For example, the cell phone goes off, and they say "I have to take this." Even if they say sorry after I say why did you do this, my sexual appetite for them goes way down. Another is if I have to talk them out canceling the date.

Basically, if it is rude and obnoxious at the early stages of dating, I RARELY see these girls again. And it is by my choice. They will call me, but I say I am not interested.

So do I need to get over it or is it their IMMATURITY?

Let me add, I can tolerate tests that DO NOT DISRESPECT me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 1:11am
I don't think you have to get over it. People feel what they feel. If that is how you feel, you can't make yourself feel something different or something more when you don't. However, are any of the calls family emergency type calls or would you understand that?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:34pm
I think it's likely that these women are doing this dramatically as a way of getting your attention. In some twisted way they probably think that men calling on them makes them seem more desirable to you. Maybe I'm getting myself out on a limb here, but if they're still calling it sounds like it's a way of pressuring you to get more serious. I don't know, of course, but sometimes women think that way. I personally don't like those games, but probably most people play them to one degree or another at one time or another. However, I don't blame you for being bugged. It probably is just their immaturity. If you're looking for a monogamous relationship, it would explain why their behavior cools your sexual appetite. My advice would be to look for a woman who wants monogamy, also. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:13am
I agree. Personally, being on a date is MY time with my guy and HIS with me. If he used my time to make or accept phone calls that could wait til another time, then I would doubt his sincerity. Likewise, I don't take calls when I;m on a date because it's inconsiderate. Nothing is that important, save family emergencies. Put the phone on silent and let the VM pick up. If you MUST, wait until you are in the ladies room to see who called. Onlyr return calls that are emergencies - any others can wait until your time is your time again.

Basic courtesy goes a long way in my book. Many people have no clue what that is anymore. If these games leave you feeling disrespected, then by all means, discontinue the relationship.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 4:45pm
I would understand if they are family emergencies. If they do not take me into consideration, I usually get upset.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:00pm
To get attention? Oh boy, I did not realize this. I interpreted it as I being disrespected. I am interested in a long term which made their actions strange.

I think that makes a lot of sense when looking back at a few things. I think if I was more diplomatic and should have been more reconcilitory. Finding out the problem and letting her KNOW she was important. And then let her actions speak for themselves.

It just proves: do not play games and try to be real. Less confusion:)

I have a question: If a girl is NOT looking for monogomy, why is she looking for drama? Is it because she wants increase the passion in the short term?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:31pm
I wasn't really trying to imply the girls weren't looking for monogamy, or at least a steady relationship. I didn't really explain, but I think girls get into a mode where they are on the look-out for a certain type of guy, but a lot of times they'll accept many guys they're really not interested in other than for the short-term. After awhile of doing this, I think they kind of lose their common sense. Then, they do things like the girls are doing to you to get your attention, i.e., the value they place on themselves, and what they think you will, is what they can get you to think others place on them. It's convoluted, no doubt, but that's the world we live in.

As far as monogamy, I think they lose sight of what that is. I know one woman who says she just goes out with "friends"; she's engaged now and she cheats on him. That is not uncommon, from what I've seen. Unfortunately, after people fall into a pattern of behavior, it's hard to get out of it, I think. That's why I advised you to look for someone who's looking for monogamy from the get-to, rather than feigning a lack of interest in anything serious. After awhile, what they imagine becomes true, in a sense. God "chooses their delusions". In short, they're playing games with people's hearts, but in the end they're the ones that get fooled. I personally believe their hearts get hard, like an adamant rock. Men are not immune to this, either. Best wishes.