He won't ask me 2go travelling with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
He won't ask me 2go travelling with him
3
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 9:43am
I've been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We get on brilliantly, always have fun together, and I'm treated like a princess.

The only thing is we are both 22 and about to graduate. The popular thing to do now is to go travelling for a year. I am really looking foward to doing that. My boyfriend also wants the same thing. But he announced to me two weeks ago that he's thinking of going away with his male friend. There was not even a suggestion that I'm included in his plans.

I didn't make a fuss and just joked about how we'd have to break up, because in my experience trying to stay together when someone's travelling doesn't work out well, and we're too young etc.

He thinks I'm great the way I think like that too, because there's no way he'd stay with someone while he was away for a year.

But the thing is I'm desperately disappointed that he didn't ask me to go away with him, as we get on so well and the fact that we both want to do this. His brother and his brother's girlfriend are travelling together at the moment, and are having an excellent time.

So...it got me thinking. And I decided I'd act like I'm not a doormat by not staying around. It's not totally true, but I told him I'm probably going to Thailand this summer with two of my friends, instead of the year away, because even though I want to go away for a year, none of my friends do. This summer is much earlier than he would have been going away. I wanted to see what his reaction was...

His reaction? He said a few things about how would I have enough money and a few discouraging comments etc. And then he didn't call me for three days, (I mostly wait for him to call me) and he's started acting all strange about how he might be going away for weekends with the guys etc soon.

So I get the vibes from him that he's genuinely upset that I'm making plans so soon without him...and it's backfiring in a way that he's almost copying my reaction to him. But it doesn't even register with him how that is similar to him going away with his friend for a year. It feels like a double standard!

My boyfriend is quite emotionally challenged and if I got all upset and needy around him for not asking me to go with him, I know he'd be very put off...because I know how he acted with his past girlfriends, and generaly guys do get freaked out by stuff like that.

He's coming over tonight and will be asking about my Thailand plans etc. And I don't know whether to tell the truth about why I'm 'planning' to go away or to just play along in hope that he'll decide he wants to go away with me instead (his friend isn't sure whether he can go away with him). I'd really like us to stay together, it is really something special, and we are like best friends, never arguing, as well as completely fancying the pants off eachother.

Do you think that I should just confront him over it, or would that scare him away? Should I go with the flow and see what happens? Or stay with him until he goes away with no fuss made, and let it be (I really don't want to let it be, and I'd feel a fool for staying around). Any suggestions? please help. Thankyou

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 11:57am
To me, traveling for a year after school seems more like a dream than reality. Wouldn't it take around $20,000 cash each to do this? Does he have that kind of money and do you? His discussion with you was that he was "thinking" about it - he did not say that "he is" going to do it.

Your response is to create a manipulation play to try and get what you want from him. Read this loud & clear - MEN HATE THE MANIPULATION PLAY!! Manipulation lacks honesty, integrity and respect. In other words, its a DEALBREAKER for most men.

Its perfectly OK to talk about dreams and desires. Its perfectly OK to ask to make joint plans. Stop the manipulation play now and start talking in real terms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 3:14pm
Be totally HONEST with him. It does sound as if there is a double standard....but still, don't manipulate, don't hide your true feelings. Talk about it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:59pm
Playing those mind games with guys just doesn't work. It's like trying to communicate with dogs by e-mail. You'll just have to speak your mind. He might really be just "thinking" like he said, and maybe he was wondering in you would show an interest i his plans. Anyway, you're both 22 and the worst scenerio that I see is that you both travel and then discover that you really aren't interested in each other. Next best scenerio: You both travel and discover that you really would love to travel with each other next time. The next best: You start to travel and just can't stand to be without each other and you run back into each others arms. The other bad scenerio: You travel with each other and learn you can't stand each other. Either way, it's going to be an intersting year, isn't it?

P.S. Thailand is both very cool and very cheap.