Needing Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Needing Advice
4
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:49pm
Hi. I am really unsure of my current relationship right now. It seems to be so very complicated!! I don't know what I should do so I am here. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years has two daughters. He's 23 and I am 21. His kids use to come in the summer so it wasn't ever a big deal, but his oldest (9) stayed from last summer and is living with us. It's been so hard since then. She's really possesive and jealous. And because of her attitude toward me I have really become numb to her. I have NO feelings for her. I really want to love her, but it just isn't happening. I love my boyfriend but I feel like eventually it is gonna have to end. I feel like she runs our household. She has her own tv and cable in her room yet every morning she gets up and watches the living room tv, which I feel is kinda rude because I have to sit and watch cartoons all day. I try to tell my boyfriend and he acts like it's just me picking on her. It's always gonna be them two against me right? Sometimes I feel like I resent both of them. Him because he had kids and married his ex, but he doesn't want any of those things with me and her for being there to remind me everyday of this. Maybe I should just leave. I really don't know what to do. I'm so afraid I will regret it and miss my boyfriend. I really want our old life back, but that's really selfish of me. Is there anyway to fix our broken home? Thanks in Advance!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: haleyjean
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 2:42pm
haleyjean...

You're trying too hard to "compete" with a 9-year old girl...and as hard as you're trying to relate to her...there's clearly some resentment here (from you)! As the 9-year old moves into her teenage years, she's gonna "push your buttons" even further. It's gonna be a contest between Her and You...and Daddy will be caught in the middle!

Pianoguy senses that you'd like someone's permission to walk away from this relationship...so I'M GIVING IT TO YOU! Take off...walk away..and find a man without children. This way...you both will have a fresh start...and can decide if children should be factored into the relationship.

Just remember one thing...the "old life" you think you want with the man you're currently seeing...isn't coming back!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: haleyjean
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 3:27pm
Hon, get yourself to a counselor, ask him to join you....offer to take a parenting class with him to help you adjust (in an effort to heal the relationship). Let the counselor tell him that he needs to set boundaries with his daughter, not allow his guilt to overcompensate for the situation, not allow him wanting to be liked/loved so much by her (and him wanting her to remain living with him) that he bends over backwards to accomodate her every whim.

If counseling doesn't work - walk away.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: haleyjean
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 6:04pm
There is something that has struck me as being very odd with this post. If he is 23 and the eldest daughter is 9 then she was born when he was 14. Then you mention he has 2 daughters - where and how old is the youngest? Also, what the heck are you doing sitting in front of the TV all day then whining that you can only watch cartoons because of the 9 year old?

How involved has your BF been with his daughter over the past 9 years? There are so many questions that should be asked of their time and relationship before addressing your issues. Perhaps you aren't mature enough to handle this type of situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: haleyjean
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:52am

i agree with spice man that this sounds odd at the least, but if this is your situation - you need to approach it LIKE AN ADULT or move on.


start by getting some counseling to deal with YOUR feelings of anger, frustration, and jealousy - you mention that you feel jealous of this 9 YO as well as feeling jealous of your BF's former relationship with his ex. also - if YOU want marriage/kids/white-picket-fence and he doesn't - then you are in the wrong relationship, but again, you are gaining nothing by STAYING and feeling angry.


he is a parent. period. and since his kids are 9 and (younger)... and since he is choosing to be an active parent (yeah!!!) in his kids lives, he will BE THERE for them for at least the next 10 years, probably more. its not SELFISH of you to want your "old life" back - but it IS unrealistic.