about a man that divorced for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
about a man that divorced for me
3
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:20pm
I met a man about 4 years ago and we knew from the start that we had a strong connection. I was married but going through a separation and divorce, and about a year and a half later he went through a separation and divorce. We had had sex during this time. I thought that he really had feelings for me because he decided to leave his wife, but the complicatons of our relationship are immense. He is a dad who spends a lot of time with his kids even though he doesn't have custody of them (from a previoous marriage, not the one he just ended). And I have 2 kids who suffer from emotional problems, and they are younger than his 2 kids. I am 36 years old, he is 44 years old. Even though we don't get the chance to get together very often, he has made me feel like a very special part of his life. We have wonderfl sex, and he has said that he has feelings for me, and I have admitted my feelings of love for him. But he has never used the word love towards me, and sometimes he doesn't call me back and the excuse he gives is that he is going through a depression of some sorts and is withdrawing. He is very active; after work, he watches his kids play soccer with their school team and on other days he coaches a soccer team of his own. The last time I talked to him he said that he was ready for this to be his last year for coaching. I don't know how much I should push the issue of his feelings for me, and if I would just push him further away by cornering him. Is he really this busy after work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:03am
He may be a number of things - but that's his stuff to deal with. However, he should not be the focus of your life. Why are you putting your life on hold for him? If the connection is strong, when he has worked through his issues, he will be there. In hte meantime, get busy with your life. It hasn't stopped because you are waiting. Go out with your friends, explore new interests and stop treating him as the last man you will ever met. What you have is a part time relationship - when its convenient for him. He doesn't appear to have a clear knowledge of what he wants right now. That is not a good situation to be in. And if he never does get clear about what he wants, you will still have made your happiness a priority and can let it all go gracefully.

Continue to see him, talk to him, etc, if you wish, but get back out in the dating scene. You can't live your life based on what he does or doesn't do. YOu have to live your life in a way that ensures your long term happiness - and a confused man doesn't fit in that scenario. Your happiness is your responsibility.

Nothing worthwhile has ever been lost by honesty and openness. And you can't scare the right man away. If you want more from him, then you need to make your needs clearly known. He will either step up or get out of the picture. At either rate - you will know exactly where you stand with him.

Best wishes

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:08pm
Thank you for your honest and from the heart response to my dilemma. It really made sense.

In the meantime, I talked to him yesterday and asked him if his sons would be interested in earning extra money by doing my yardwork. I am moving at the end of the month and I need to have my yard cleaned to get my deposit back. He was agreeable to ask them and we tentatively set it up for this coming Saturday. I have met his oldest son once before. Both of my kids have met Tony before.

I am considering to ask him on that day if he wants a relationship with me. How should I word this without putting him on the spot, such as leaving it an open ended queston because he is really shy and sensitive. He has told me in the past that he has intimacy issues.

Thanks for any suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:57pm
Suggested wording:

Tell him what you want "I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to be married. I want a family (if thats the case). I want X...... I really love you and would like to be part of your life. I need these things because that's how I see my happiness evolving - sharing with someone who loves me and is as committed to me as I am to him. What do you want?"

Or something to that effect. YOu have clearly stated what you want and need so that he cannot mistake it and you have aske dhim what he wants. If he says I want hte same things, then your response is for that reality to happen you both must make some basic agrrements - what is and is not acceptable behavior, what expections you both have, perceived problems and an agreement to go to a few counseling sessions in order to get some objective advice on how to work through the problems you have been stumbling over.

If he says he doesn't know what he wants, will not comply with going to counseling or other basic agreements or he wants something esle entirely, then you need to wish him well, let him know that you have no hard feelings and let him go. Move on to someone who does want exactly what you offer. He needs to be clear that he eithre has all of you or none of you. But this is his choice. Don't force him to answer you right away if he can't but do not let the questions go unanswered. If he can't answer you - then your answer is no. He would be choosing by not choosing.

Make no mistake, if you aren't clear about what you want, he will never change his behavior. It is up to you to protect your boundaries of acceptable behavior from anyone in your life.

Best wishes to you.

Toni