Need An Outsiders Honest Opinion (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Need An Outsiders Honest Opinion (Long)
5
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:51am
(This is a long story, so I apologize in advance)

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 10 months now. We met on Yahoo personals, and at the time, I had been casually dating, nothing really serious, but anyways, he kept on sending me messages, and finally after basically ignoring him, I decided to go over to his house. We talked for a while, and long story short, we fell in love.

Now everyone knows when you meet someone new, you tell them about your past, to get to know each other better. I'm no angel, but the things he was telling me were kind of crude. For instance, about his 25+ lovers he slept with (compared to my 5) and how wild and "great" he was in bed, and how he and his ex-girlfriend would have sex like 7 times a day.

When I met him, he was living with his latest ex, and she was probably the cruelest person I had ever met. She didn't clean up her messes, and when I would clean up after her, she would sit there and laugh at me. She used my boyfriend for money (he payed her share of the rent, her cell phone bill, her food AND her boyfriends food, her car insurance, everything). So after a couple months of dating him, I said enough was enough, and she had to move out, because they were constantly fighting, and I couldn't watch TV without her telling me that it was "her territory" and that I'd "better leave". So anyways, he finally told her to get the hell out, and that was great.

Anyways, my boyfriend is best friends with one of his exes (the one he had sex with 7 times a day) and it kind of pissed me off that he talked about our sex life with her. He said I was being jealous and that I needed to chill out because I had male friends. So...I stopped talking to every single one of my male friends, actually, I stopped talking to every single one of my friends because of him. When I confronted him about the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to except him, but he can go talk to his lame ex about every little thing I do...he said that I was once again being jealous, and "nobody tells him what to do".

Time goes on, and I was using one of his computers, and I found a couple dozen pictures of his half naked best friend/ex-girlfriend. I was crushed, confronted him, he told me that he had only taken them for her, so that she could give them to her boyfriend for V-Day. But when I asked him to take pictures of me, he put it off for 5 months.

I've been cheated on in the past, so there are a couple of things that set little whistles and bells off in your head when you see certain things. So when I find pictures of naked girls in his bedside table. Or whenever I enter his office, and he hurries to close out all of his instant messanger services, my heart breaks a little.

He's not very affectionate, he has 9 cats, all his friends are female, and he hasn't been able to give me one orgasm. He doesn't light candles anymore during sex; sex lasts 5 minutes tops, but that's even IF we're able to have sex, because he usually loses his erection if I want him to hug or kiss me.

I love him dearly though. The thought of breaking up with him just kills me, but whenever I try to have a serious talk with him, he gets defensive, then starts calling himself names, and saying that I should just break up with him, because he's such a piece of crap, and I'm too good for him.

I don't know if he's cheating on me, or if we're just not good for each other. I mean, we're great friends, but, well, I just don't know. Any suggestions to maybe spice things up? Or any hints on how to talk to him without him going nuts? I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,

Vikki

P.S.

(Sorry if this post is all over the place, and isn't really staying on one topic, but there's just too much to talk about)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:28am
Sounds to me like your bf is one of those guys who quickly loses interest in the women he is dating (hence the 25 sex partners). He sounds fickle and immature. Why you stay with him is anybody's guess. If a man tells you he is a "no good piece of crap" the smartest strategy is to believe him and move on with your life. I would dump him asap. No matter how much it hurts now it will only get worse in the future. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:17am
Wow! And I thought I had it bad! If I were you, I would run for my life! Falling in love as you mentioned takes two people and I can honestly see no traces of this feeling whatsoever here. If anything, I am wondering if he actually likes you! A guy who flaunts his affairs so obviously and goes out of his way to show you how little your feelings mean to him (I am referring to the nobody tells me what to do part) is NOT in love! The fact that he loses his erection not during normal sex but when gestures of actual affection (in my mind two different things altogether) such as hugging and kissing come into play should be telling you a lot! So how does it actually work? You don´t kiss at all? I am confused. I also think though that you have also big part of the blame for getting yourself into the situation in the first place. I am also confused about the part that you were ignoring him but rushed over to his house (VERY ill advised - you could have gone on a normal date in a public place where you would have been safer) and "fell in love". My feeling is that if there was one person that fell in love it was not him. And then the part of giving up all your friends. Did he actually ask you to do it or did you think that isolating yourself from your support system was an intelligent thing to do? I know you hate to hear that but it doesn´t look like love is part of the equation! It doesn´t even look like a relationship to me quite honest! You seem to have been more upset by the fact that he didnt take saucy photos of you for 5 months (I hope he didn´t take any in the end, for your shake) than by the discovery of another woman´s naked pics itself. I am sorry to sound harsh, but you have to face reality if you hope to get a chance of actually being happy! Yes, he is cheating on you! It is time to cut your losses and believe him when he says he is not worth it. Stop accepting this degrading behavior now and go to find yourself a decent boyfriend who is going to give you the love and respect you deserve
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:51am
Thanks for your response.

i kristenj,

To clear some things up.

1.So how does it actually work? You don´t kiss at all? I am confused. - Yes, we kiss, but during sex, no.

2.I am also confused about the part that you were ignoring him but rushed over to his house - Maybe I should have trusted my gut instinct? At first I felt we had nothing in common. The night we met, I was lonely, and wanted someone to hang out with. And yes, it was dumb as all hell to go over to a strangers house. I got lucky, and I'd never do it again.

3.And then the part of giving up all your friends. Did he actually ask you to do it or did you think that isolating yourself from your support system was an intelligent thing to do? - He said if I didn't give up my male friends, he would think I was cheating. And every time I went out with my female friends, I got questioned for hours on what I was doing. So I figured it would be better to cut that drama from my life.

Once again, thanks for the post, it really puts things into perspective for me. I haven't put up with crap like this in the past, I don't know why I'm doing it now.

-Vikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:08am
Hi again.Please do not think that I was attacking you or anything but I really hate it when I see that even the most intelligent women in the world can be potentially transformed to idiots when it comes to love! Your answers certainly clarified some things. By avoiding kisses during sex he is letting you know that this is what it is about: sex and only sex and this is the big difference between having sex and making love. As for going over to his house I am glad you realize that it was not a smart move. And I am talking experience now. Last week my drink was spiked at my Ex BF´s party and I could have been raped or kidnapped had a stranger not intervened. It is sadly not a safe world out there and we really have to be careful. Some things we can not predict but at least we can minimise our danger when we can. Please play safer next time. I hope the situation will work out for you but honestly, the guy sounds like bad news. Anyone who isolates us from our friends (whether by asking directly that you should stop seeing them or by making it impossible for us to see them with allt hat drama you mentioned) is manipulative at the very least. You are completely at his mercy without good friends to offer you support and respect - plus all these jealous outbursts about your friends and the interrogation do appear to swift the focus away from his own obvious infidelity! I really hope this helps you a little bit. You deserve so much more than that!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 1:27pm

Ok, you want honest, you got it.