how should I move on???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
how should I move on???
3
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:19pm
I don't know how to move on because of what happened last week. I discovered that my bf has been exchanging some passionate emails with another woman. I knew about her and have been keeping on eye on her because he told me that he thinks she has a crush on him but they are just friends. A week ago, my bf had not logged out of his email and I saw that she had emailed him and something came over me to disregard his privacy and I opened the email which contained a letter that he had sent to her as well. It talked about how he is infatuated with her and how he wants to see her and he had signed it as "love". I confronted him about it and he went nuts!!!!!!! He claims that they were just a joke and he didn't mean any of it. But he also admitted that he didn't know for sure if she knew whether it was a joke or not.

He tells me how much he is sorry and realizes what a stupid thing it was to do especially that it put our relationship in danger. He got quiet depressed because he had never meant to hurt me so deeply because I am the one for him(supposedly). We have been dating for 1.5 years and had plans of being engaged in the next year or two. But everyday I think about that very hurtful email, I feel agonized over it. I have talked to him about it and he asks me what he needs to do to make things better. I tell him that I do not know since no one has ever hurt me this much. Everytime I think about the letter, my eyes fill up and I feel betrayed. Should I even forgive this man, believe that he truly is sorry, or put this behind me, or how do I even begin to put this behind us???? I do think he is sorry but I don't know what we should be doing to put this beyond us???? Do I just need time or do we have to do something about this??/

Anyone has any advice??? Thanks so much to anyone who responds!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:47pm
You feel betrayed because you were betrayed. He betrayed your trust in him. He put his relationship in jeopardy by 'flirting' with this *friend*, by saying inappropriate things to her, by sharing intimate things with her, by stroking her *crush* for him by encouraging her, leading her on because HE LIKES/LOVES HER ATTENTION. It makes him feel good, wanted, desirable, strokes his ego.

Considering couple's counseing if you want to remain in the relationship because 1) someone else can tell him how he betrayed you, 2) it will help define what's acceptable to you both and what's not (like, if you had written an mail like that to another guy, I'm sure he would have felt betrayed too, angry, mad, ready to dump you) and 3) give you a place rebuild trust.

Reading material:

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Although this article talks about infidelity from the point of view of being married, it still applies.

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 5:52pm
Ouch! I guess my biggest question is, do you think he is sorry for hurting you or just sorry he got caught? I'm very suspicious of people who are always "bragging" that others are after them. I always say it takes two to tango. I find it unbelievable that the afore said email was all a joke. At the very least, I would think he's trying to see how far the relationship can go. Why would he put "I love you"? I'd be very hurt, also.

I wish I could give you something concrete. I know what I think, but I don't want to say things that may be a bit rash. There is software out there that people can put on their children's computers, etc., that will monitor all activity on the computer undetected, supposedly. Maybe you'd want to try something like that. My guess is, that if this is going-on, he's not just going to suddenly stop. I would certainly think long and hard before marrying this guy. All my best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 6:45pm
Thanks so much for the post. You worded how I feel exactly!!!! Also, thanks for the article and reading list, I will be sharing them with him tonight.