I am a third wheel: BF-ME-deceased wife!
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I am a third wheel: BF-ME-deceased wife!
| Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:13pm |
What do I do? My bf has a problem. I have been dating him for a year and he wont let go of his deceased wife but he still tells me I am his love. I try not to show that I notice his feelings are still there for his wife but I can't help but notice he still has a pic of her in his wallet and there are photos in the bed side table. I havn't moved in with him because it is creepy. There are pictures of her on the walls and everywhere I look she is staring at me. I could swear she has it in for me. She is even watching me or so it looks. I told him that those pictures bother me but he gets mad and says there is nothing to worry about. I very seldom sleep over there now. He doesn't even miss that. He has mentioned that we should consolidate our expenses by moving in together but he won't remove those pics and says they are just for sentimental value. I tried to understand but I just want him and not THEM. ARGGH I don't know what to do. help...

Carrie
If, however, that your bf's wife passed away a long time ago, maybe the both of you need to talk to someone who can help him move on and continue his life with you.
well, while your BF may have trouble "letting go" - YOU are jealous of
yes i have photos of my husband around the house too but i chose to remove those from my bedroom before i even met this man...i have some mid-sized, framed family pics on my living room bookcase, i was never the type to hang portraits on the walls so all my photos are confined to that bookcase and photo albums....i feel it would be in your boyfriends best interest to not have pictures of his late wife on his bedside table, but than again who am i to tell anyone how to grieve?
how long has he been widowed?...how old is he?...was he married a long time?...did he have children with his wife?...i know my young adult children would feel awful if i suddenly removed my husbands photos from the bookcase but i don't think you want your boyfriend to go to that extreme anyway...maybe you can suggest he put the photos on a bookcase in the family room and compromise with you.
sometimes i get the feeling my new boyfriend feels he may be living with the "ghost" of my deceased husband...i admit i occasionally talk about my late husband's wonderful handiman skills and this might be a sore spot for my b/f...i also tend to call my husband "my husband" and now i try to call him by name to my b/f as it sounds odd to him i'm sure to hear me say "my husband".
on the other hand, my dating a divorced dad also makes me sometimes feel i am living with his x-wifes "ghost"...obviously she is also an intricate part of our life being as he shares child custody with her...so i have to daily deal with past his love too, maybe we all do after we reach middle age.
so if i were you i'd try to remember the woman is dead and buried, surely your b/f realizes it is futile to long for her...but i can understand him wanting to respect her memory and how hard it would be to simply erase her from his house...maybe you can gently pursuade him to move the photos out of the bedroom and place them in a special spot on a shelf...it is heartbreaking for a widow to realize their late spouse is now a "spot on a shelf", but that IS reality.
best to you!
honey