Unable to accept great rltship - long

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Unable to accept great rltship - long
5
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:09am
Almost 3 mo. ago, I started dating someone new. In that time, he has proved himself to be intelligent, caring, patient, understanding, sweet, and amusing. We're extraordinarly compatible on so many levels and have some unbelievably strange coincidences between us that makes it feel like it was almost fate. For the first month, after I got over my standard "new relationship" fear problem, I was stunned that I had been gifted with this man. Lately, however, I've been having trouble. I can acknowledge all these things, but I feel so apathetic towards it all. Earlier today, I woke up with him and basically freaked out and started shaking and crying. This isn't unusual, I did the exact same thing to a previous boyfriend, also a wonderful man whos patience, after 5 mo. of my confusion, broke. I don't know if I'm trying to force feelings and am so repressing them...I don't know why this happens. I just get a very strong physical response that just means: something is wrong. I broke up with that last serious boyfriend to get away from this persistent response. I'm horribly afraid that because of these issues that I have with relationships, I will once again drive away an amazing young man who treats me wonderfully and tries to help me get through these problems. He is so much better than the worry I must put him through. Yet because of that I'm pulled in two different directions: one side of me wants to let him go to prevent further hurt in either of us. Yet, I KNOW that my reactions are not healthy. If I let this wonderful person who deeply cares for me go, I'm perpetuating my habit of running away. I'm so tired of running away. I'm setting up an appt' with a counselor, but I would so appreciate some ideas and reassurance. Thanks to all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:25am
Good to hear you have set a counseling appt....it could be 'panic/anxiety' attacks combined with something in you that doesn't feel worthy of a 'good' relationship.

I hope you figure it out soon. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:56am
As I was reading your post, I was already thinking to myself that it might really help if you talk to a therapist about your reactions and I was glad when I saw that you have taken the initiative to do so. You said that you "just get a very strong physical response that just means: something is wrong." Have you been able to prove this in past relationships? Maybe you are just emotional sometimes, like women tend to be. Even I sometimes find myself just crying for no reason other than I was just thinking of my bf. It's not that I'm crying because I'm sad or hurt, but it just happens somehow. However, your case might be entirely different and I hope that talking to someone will help you realize why you've been reacting the way you have. You obviously care so much about this man that you are seeking help now even though you haven't before (I'm assuming since you didn't mention it). Good luck and best wishes to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:11am
wow.....I feel like I just read my own life story. I relate to everything you have said. I am in a six month old (wonderful) realationship that I feel like I am out to sabotauge. Please let me know how you progress. need to know that there is hope for people like us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:12pm
Thanks so much to all who have posted so far. renaed, thanks tons - it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has this strange issue. I will definitely try to keep you updated - do the same for me. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:41pm
I also want to add that you're not alone. My SO has been struggling with my major issues for two and one-half years now. Even when he goes out on a limb for me, I still question his motives, interest and loyalty. Granted, some of it's bizarre. There are men out there who do value women like us and would prefer to be with us than without us. I suspect that you don't put him, or others, through as much trouble as you probably think you do. Sometimes, we've been made to feel that all our needs were a bother, by parents, etc., so we panic at the thought of asking someone to meet them. I don't know if this is you, but I am pretty sure that the guys wouldn't want to stick-around if you really made life difficult for them. I'm not saying you're saying that exactly, but it sounds like you fear you will, or might. A wise person once told me that when people who are givers try to start considering their own needs more, usually they only become a little bit more self-interested, but still lean more towards the giving end. So I think it's o.k. for you to let go a little and show your needs as well as that you care. Good luck with the counseling. Best wishes.