anxiety ruining relationship (again)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
anxiety ruining relationship (again)
2
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:05am
I don't know what to do anymore, and I know I need to go see my therapist. I have been treated for anxiety and depression and just weaned off Zoloft. I have been in a great relationship for six months and again my emotional problems are just going to sabotauge the relationship. I nitpick, I get irritated over the stupidest (and I mean really dumb) things. This guy was made for me, I swear but I don't know how to have a relationship like a normal person. Its like I find things to be resentful about and my fuse is so short. Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? He is so patient and understanding but he has feelings too and i am sure it will get old after awhile. And I go thru guys like water it seems, its almost embarrassing at this point. People can't keep track of my relationships. They say "what is his name again".......is there hope?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:09pm
Hi!

I don't know if I'll be of much help to you, but thought you might like to know that you aren't the only one out there who lives their life like that. The anxiety and depression crap that I fight with in my head on a daily basis are ~trying~ to get the better of me. I was on Paxil for 9 months. Went off it and felt some better. I still have some symptoms. I can't determine if I have an anxious feeling that I quickly associate the worst thing I am going through with it, or, do I think about the worst thing I am going through and have an anxious moment? I have no idea. I am beginning to think it's option number one. Anyway, I am trying and I think I am getting better day to day. I have another post going right now "How do I say "I need more" nicely..." Here I am, bending over backwards in so many ways for my BF and he's walking all over me. Part of that attitude comes from the anxiety that I always think it's going to end in disaster. I was/am willing to do anything it takes to keep it from ending. Even if I am being walked on. After I posted that, I had a lot of very strong confident women write me and say "why are you worried about being nice? Has he done anything to deserve all my niceness??" And well, the answer to that was NO. SO, my thoughts start to churn and churn more and more. Till, I blew up (for a lack of better terms) at him yesterday. And if there were ever a night where we would fall asleep not talking together, it was last night. But last night, he was Mr. Affection. Something inside me tells me he's actually been waiting for me to grow this back bone and for once stick up for myself. That he actually found my actions that evening attractive. And I know he did. And believe me, I felt so good after I "said it like it was...." Anyway, the point I am making about telling you about how I "blew up" at him, what I did was think over and over again about the things in our relationship that were unfair. And in my heart and in my head, I accepted the consequences of my "telling him like it is.." before any words ever came out of my mouth. And well, believe me, there was PLENTY anxiety there about him leaving me, etc. But, here I am living this miserable relationship with him, I might as well try to get my way for a change, risk ruining it, and have the chance to heel and start over. And like I said, afer I "spoke my peace" he as shocked and then played Mr. Affectionate that night. I have this new spring in my step today. I still have the anxious thoughts but I also have everyone telling me "way to go girl.. good to see you stand up for yourself..." I am in no ways over the constant anxiety, but I am taking it one day at a time and am WAY better than I was even 5 months ago (when we started dating...) Good luck to you. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to write me. Sometimes it helps just to have someone you can verbalize things to. Then, it gives you a chance to see on your own just how rediculous some of your worries are (I do that all the time... ). Write if you like!

Smartredfox01@yahoo.com

Best to you,

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:02pm
I can honestly say I think I know how you feel. I go through a similar pattern of behavior like you describe, but just last night I had the thought that maybe I have to pick fights and make-up explanations for things because I just don't ask in the first place. Do you feel comfortable enough to ask your bf for an explanation, even if something is not really bothering you at the time? Unexplained things can sit in the subconscious waiting for attention and if we just ignore them, they really can become a big problem, when initially they were probably very small. Which may be why you feel like you're blowing-up about stupid things, i.e., you're feeling bothered about something that happened awhile back that you tried to forget about at the time and have since consciously forgotten about. However, it's still in the back of your mind, bugging you. The Bible says, "Agree with you enemy while you're in the way with them." I know my imagination can really get the better of me. I try to explain away everything in psychological terms, until I get an honest answer from my SO. I think mine dates back to my childhood when I was supposed to be "seen and not heard". Children, however, have natural curiousity and they want to know things. When that is discouraged, I think it sets-up unhealthy ways of trying to get-around communication to second-guess problems, because with one's parents, asking was not an option. Of course, I really have no way of knowing if this is your difficulty or not, but it's a thought. Best wishes!