Getting Mighty Confused
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Getting Mighty Confused
| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:51pm |
I have been in a relationship with a man since Christmas. He is a sweet guy, with children (ex left him with the kids) which isn't a problem b/c I have kids and they get along great. He seems to be, for lack of better words, a push-over with the ex; during the marriage if she wanted something she'd have a fit like a toddler until he let her have her way. She supposedly made life hell for him and their children with her out of control drinking and affairs, when she left it was almost like there was this audible sigh of relief from the family. The spending was something he said he (supposedly) couldn't control and this has resulted in financial debt of approximately $75K in credit charges and tax liens. He is self employed with hours that can be a bit odd, but has the capacity to make over $100K.
After all the grief she supposedly caused, he takes his son to see the Easter bunny, and says he's going to buy 2 pictures and send her a picture so it looks like he is keeping her informed of what their son is doing... looks good to the courts. Is this what someone does when they've been jerked around financially and emotionally by another person?
I have found that I can't take all of the kids together when he is not around. Mine are good (notice I didn't say angels) but around his they get a little wild.
His divorce has just been filed and I'm sure it will take a while to sort out the mess. His ex seems to think that she will get a financial windfall between the business and home, without having to worry about the debt. But, she'll have to contact her own message board to find that out.
I'm divorced and tried really hard to make sure my financial matters wouldn't turn into a mess, and I have succeeded; I own my own home, am paying for my car and have a fairly low ($2,300) credit card balance. I don't have a lot of disposable income but my kids and I are able to afford limited entertainment (no real vacations, but movies and day trips).
He also seems to have a fetish with women's satin panties. The ex used that as her reason to leave him, along with using that as the reason she became an alcoholic. I know that just b/c a man wears an article of women's clothing that he is not automatically gay or bi, but I'm not sure if I want to see him like this. He also told me he has worn women's pantyhose and likes the feeling it provides. The other night he said he hasn't worn panties in front of me b/c he's afraid of 'scaring me off'. I didn't realize he still wanted to do this and to tell you the truth it might scare me off if I saw him like that. When he told me of this fetish I tried to be understanding and have even laughed with him when he's made jokes about it.
So with the financial mess he needs to get out of, the wimpish way he doesn't want to get the ex mad at him, and the panty issue I'm just not sure anymore. We were ready to start combining homes, live together and he's already told me he wants to marry me. He has the capability to establish himself financially but I don't think I'd be able to look at him with satin panties on, or deal with the kow-towing it looks like he is going to provide to his ex. Am I being paranoid?
After all the grief she supposedly caused, he takes his son to see the Easter bunny, and says he's going to buy 2 pictures and send her a picture so it looks like he is keeping her informed of what their son is doing... looks good to the courts. Is this what someone does when they've been jerked around financially and emotionally by another person?
I have found that I can't take all of the kids together when he is not around. Mine are good (notice I didn't say angels) but around his they get a little wild.
His divorce has just been filed and I'm sure it will take a while to sort out the mess. His ex seems to think that she will get a financial windfall between the business and home, without having to worry about the debt. But, she'll have to contact her own message board to find that out.
I'm divorced and tried really hard to make sure my financial matters wouldn't turn into a mess, and I have succeeded; I own my own home, am paying for my car and have a fairly low ($2,300) credit card balance. I don't have a lot of disposable income but my kids and I are able to afford limited entertainment (no real vacations, but movies and day trips).
He also seems to have a fetish with women's satin panties. The ex used that as her reason to leave him, along with using that as the reason she became an alcoholic. I know that just b/c a man wears an article of women's clothing that he is not automatically gay or bi, but I'm not sure if I want to see him like this. He also told me he has worn women's pantyhose and likes the feeling it provides. The other night he said he hasn't worn panties in front of me b/c he's afraid of 'scaring me off'. I didn't realize he still wanted to do this and to tell you the truth it might scare me off if I saw him like that. When he told me of this fetish I tried to be understanding and have even laughed with him when he's made jokes about it.
So with the financial mess he needs to get out of, the wimpish way he doesn't want to get the ex mad at him, and the panty issue I'm just not sure anymore. We were ready to start combining homes, live together and he's already told me he wants to marry me. He has the capability to establish himself financially but I don't think I'd be able to look at him with satin panties on, or deal with the kow-towing it looks like he is going to provide to his ex. Am I being paranoid?

You don't need your kids to interactwith him, you don't need to interact with him...and take it from someone who's been around the "divorce debt" block.
His wife is an alcoholic who doesn't have a job, and has a legitimate "disease" that is going to keep her from having one. And he's going to end up fully liable for th edebt and repaying it if he ever wants his credit back, and he's going to pay her support, and those kids are going to continue to be subjected to her dysfunctional thinking and actions...and your kids are going to be impacted.
There's two sides to every story....believe me 4 divorces later, don't I know it.....and what you're getting is HIS version of the story of their divorce.......and what you know of as facts about her, that fine....but his issues and his enabling helped "bring her to her knees".
Here's a little published fact.....alcoholics and enablers "think alike" they're both using dysfunctional, unrealistic, and illogical reasoning patterns. They both believe feelings are facts, goals, and calls to action. Those two got along as long as they did because she had a fit, she was inappropriate and blamed him for it - and he looked down on her and in self-comparison to her - he liked himself.
Now that they're apart...he's likely to become more irrational and syfunctional than ever. What kept him in ssome semblance of sanity and apparent success was that in looking down on her in comparing himself to her - he liked himself and responded so that he would "keep being better than her". Now he's not.......ther's nobody's for him to compare himself to and look down on because they're a failure.
You need to get you and your kids away from this guy and move on with your lives before his debt eats up your savings, because you get so emotionally involved and invested you want to 'fix him'...and he becomes the addict...and you become the enabler. That's fairly common,too.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
No, I don't think you're being paranoid at all.
Carrie
I got that she was a drunk and that she liked to shop. Got it - that she left the kids with him. I dont get why someone would be upset that he keeps her informed of the children. She is still their mother.
Now if he was continuing to support HER, well, yeah thats a problem.
As for the debt, it becomes your problem when you get married. REGARDLESS of the laws etc., your going to be expected to contribute towards everything hes got going on, including the bills.
Sounds like the kids are a handful too. Do they misbehave??? Does he let them run wild? Sometimes even the best kids run a little crazy, esp combining them with others who are not quite angels. My oldest is 14 and basically a very good kid. Put him with is half-sister who is 11 and we are talking trouble!!!
I do have to agree with you on the silk panties thing. And you KNOW that is something that will bother you. It makes my skin crawl - LOL Why contineu in a relationship that on top of ALL the other issues, you going to have sexual issue too. And you will. Because if you tell him it bothers you, its going to bother him, etc. etc. you get the picture.
My thoughts are to NOT move in together. NOT to get married. If you want to be with him do it this way. if not move on
Just my thoughts. Im pretty good at dishing it out, still working on taking it !!!! LOL
Good luck
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.