hitting rock bottom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
hitting rock bottom
10
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:04pm
to make the long story short... my ex and i were together for 10 months, in love, perfect, just everything i wanted. then he started needing space, blah blah, broke up, got back together, same thing happened, i broke it off for good.

it's been 2 weeks since we are broken up. the first week i left him alone, ignored him if i had to, deleted his screenname from AIM. it was hard b/c i loved him still. then the 2nd week he started talking to me, and did a bunch stuff that was hinting to me that he wanted me back. his friend even said he did. then last night i found out that he's going to prom with his ex-girlfriend. i was upset, but i know i shouldn't be b/c im going to prom with someone else too. but the fact that i got my hopes up about him coming back to me, and now my bubble is burst.

i had to ask him whats going on. he's been saying for a week that he needed to talk to me. then he tells me he wanted to talk to me about career stuff... totally not what i expected because i thought he wanted me back. so last night i asked him for a closure. i wanted to say he doesn't want me back and it's over for good so i can move on with my life. i didn't want to wonder every day if i was ever going to kiss him again or hear him say "i love you". seeing that i was upset, he said, "nancy, we were together for 10 months. you have my heart. theres no one else, and im not even gonna try to replace you. you were perfect in every way. smart, beautiful, get you in trouble sometimes... funny, compassionate, but i just don't wanna be tied down right now. i just wanna be friends, is that ok?"

i said no. i told him i couldn't be friends right now. its just too much to ask for, because right now when i look at him im always wondering if he feels the same. i just need to get away and move on. maybe one day we'll be friends.

even though it hurts like hell right now, and i think i've just hit the rock bottom, i think i did the right thing. i need to heal on my own, away from him. once you hit the bottom, the only way is up anyway. any similiar situations? any advices? i need some support right now because this sh*t hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:28pm
Look, all the guy is saying is that he does not want obligation, responsibility, requirement and committment to meet the needs of a partner at this time.

That doesn't diminish your desire for that type of relationship, and it doesn't mean that you can't hve or aren't worthy of that type of relationship...but for right now, this guy is not ready for that.

So, you accept that what you want out of life in terms of parnter, HE will never be that person...and then you continue making a great life for yourself nd you'll find someone who does want what you want eventually and while you're doing it - you'll have a great life that you wouldn't trade living.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:37pm
Of course it hurts!!! Anytime your feelings are involved it hurts. I'm sorry your hurting right now.

I have been there sweetie, and I know it takes some swallowing of your tears to get through the days to begin with. When my bf and I broke up last year, at this time, I cried every day of the 18 days we were apart. I spent days sitting at my desk just fighting back the tears...sometimes i had to leave the office. We had no contact - (we are in our 30s). But I missed him so!!! He finally contacted me through im online and took me out for coffee that night - and he never left again after that night. But he did "date" and sleep with another women during those 18 days we were apart (i had ask him to move out). I still have to suck that one up every now and then - it just makes me so sad.

As far as being friends...I never got why we all have to be friends..????? You are in love with someone and you go from being together to not together. You cannot suddenly JUST be friends. So, take your time. Explain to him that YOU need YOUR space right now. Maybe sometime in the future when your not so raw, you two can be friends. Thats what you need too...space and time. Take it for yourself.

I am glad to read that your ex is being mature and respectable about this. Although you two were together for 10 months, he could have held out for a lot longer before telling you he wasnt ready to be tied down... it happens.

Treat yourself to something new or something fun. Sleep in, take a bath, read a horror story (not a love story!!!) whatever picks up your spirits right now. Make it all about YOU.

Take Care, I wish you well

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:53am
Hey, I just read your post to me (sweetnopichick-when to love-let go...) so I did read this post like you asked and (you'll never believe this) but like we said before...we're soooo much alike. That's the EXACT same thing that happened to me!!!! The prom, the conversation....everything!!! I about fell in the floor when I read the whole story, it was like looking back in a mirror or something (of course my proms were a few years ago, I graduated in 99 (I'm 22 now) but still... how wierd is that???!!!) Anyway, back to the reason I'm here. He knows that you still love him and I have no doubt in my mind that he still cares for you but like he said, he's not ready-he even admitted that. It'll end up hurting more in the long run if you wait for him to be ready. When you ignored him the last time it made him realize how much he cares for you and how much he misses you but no matter how much he realizes that he's still not going to be ready. He probably does want to be with just you and even have a future with you someday but he's not ready to be tied down to just one person right now. He's going to want to "experience" more from life before he sets his sights on just one person, whoever that one person may be. This is what he's probably trying to tell you in so many words without hurting you. Having been there and done that I have to say he has a good idea because if it hadn't happened to me i'd have never met my husband and i'd still be waiting on him to "be ready"~~love him or not. As far as being friends...well that's just hard. There's so many things to consider before you decide on that. You already know that you love him and that will not go away just by saying "well, we're not dating anymore...we're just friends." Your still going to love him. Also, if you two ARE just friends then he has every right to date other people. Can you be friends with him without being jealous of his other girlfriends? If he has another girlfriend and you still love him but are "just friends" well, I know your smart enough to figure out how much that's going to hurt. Like we've talked about before, my ex and I are friends NOW but it took a LONG time. I resented him-even HATED him at times becuase I was not with him and knew I probably never was going to be again. Even then I knew I wanted him and he wanted me and I was ready and he was not and he wasn't going to be for several more years if ever. I was mad for the longest time because he hurt me so bad. It was so hard not to be jealous and so hard to control my feelings for him-even today. Being friends with an ex is hard-neverending work. It is something you will have to work at constatnly. Basically, he's right, he wants his space and to not be tied down. He wants to be friends so that the communication channel isn't broken for when/if he decides he IS ready. Only time will tell what the future holds for you two but my advice is to give him his space and don't dwell on what is and what could/should be. Go to the prom with your date and try not to run into your ex. Have fun. Consider him saying he needs time/space as closure because it's all your gonna get. And remember that "time heals all wounds". Right now I wouldn't get back with him or try to because if you did then he'll just decide again that he needs his space-you and I both know this. Be freindly but don't be friends just yet. (hell, you said yourself you can't be friends yet so don't give him the pleasure and satisfaction cause you need your time to hurt and he needs to give it to you). And your right...the only way is up but remember it's harder to go up then down! Prepare yourself w/lots of friends and fun! Anyway, you wanted to know my thoughts so there they are (long winded aren't I---hahaha). You can e-mail me ANYTIME (cutecountry99@hotmail.com) if you want to talk some more. I find it interesting we're so much alike-hope to hear from you soon!!!! (and good luck!!) --Crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:38pm
aww thank you so much!

yes i think that day was perhaps the worst day... but today, 2 days later, i am feeling better. i guess the idea that he's not the one, or he's not gonna be ready for me, yet i deserve so much more, is sinking in. i have ignored him, avoided him, doing everything i can to get him off my mind. i can't make sense out of it. i mean what you said are exactly like my situation - and even though it makes sense logically, it just doesn't freakin' make sense in my heart. his gentle words hurts, and his logical reasons confuses me. i don't expect anything else. i just wanna get away from him. well spring break is coming up soon and i'll be going away, so hopefully that'll help me to deal with it. oh and thank god the prom he is going to isn't the same prom im going to.

he is a good person. i'd like to be friends with him, one day, but now i just can't. even the mentioning of his name makes me upset. i need time and space just as well as he does, so i can heal. and he doesn't wanna be tied down to me - well i don't want to be tied down to THAT. that's not how i want a relationship to be, and though it hurts, i've recognized that and hopefully it'll give me enough courage to move on. he wants to go to prom with some girl he doesn't have to feel obligated to - well, i guess im just too much of a woman for him. im moving on to better things. find myself, etc. so maybe this isn't the worst thing that could happen.

thank you again. your support is really encouraging.

-nancy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:10pm
Well, if it means anything, I think that you have handled this mess really well! If you are in love and expecting more then friendship is out of the question and this is a tough call to make! I am going through the same right now, having broken up with someone I cared for deeply! It always sucks doesn´t it? Regardless of who is right or wrong. Please hang in there and things will get better! they have to!

My thoughts are with you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:09am
See girl, there you go!! You've just discovered something that took me years to do! You have hit the nail on the head! Right now I personally think avoiding him would be the right thing to do. You said "his gentle words hurts, and his logical reasons confuses me." I hate to say it, and he may not be doing it on purpose, but he's doing those things to string you along so that he doesn't loose you completly~~~for what ever reason. This way he always has you to fall back on. As long as your heart is still hurting from all of this it'll take over (verses you using your head) and let you fall back into his "trap". I say that he may not be doing these things on purpose because that's my situation so I'm trying to give your ex the benifit of the doubt...not knowing him and all. My ex still tries to "string" me along but has NO IDEA he's doing it, honestly. Thankfully I've become stronger than that and you will too with time. Like you're already doing....keep avoiding him until your heart has healed enough to handle a friendship with him, you'll know when the time is right. So what if he doesn't understand why you "don't want to be friends right now". You know why and that's all that matters. Even if you tried to explain it to him till you turned blue in the face it's likely he still won't get it cause guys tend to not think with there hearts like grils do. Not that they don't use them they just don't wear theirs on their sleeves like we do on occasion.

Oh and you also said "and even though it makes sense logically, it just doesn't freakin' make sense in my heart." Well hon...I don't think it's supposed to make sense. It never has and it never will (check the books, love is as much of a mystery as the human brain...all the research in the world will never reveal the riddle that is love). That's why the phrase "LOVE HURTS" was coined. :) Best of luck and enjoy the prom...(K.I.T) Crystal (1sweetnopichick)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:07pm
heres more update... to my.. situation.

well last night i went over to his house because i had to give him his bday presents. i meant to make it fast but we started talking... he then invited me in to show me his basement (it's now fixed and he's ready to move down to the basement). we've talked about many things... everything except about us. finally, since he doesn't know that i knew he was going to prom with his ex, i just wanted to rub it in his face, i said "hey have fun at prom". hehe. he looked at me and said he didn't really want to go, but he'd go to see some of his old friends. then he asked if i was going to our school's prom. i said i don't know yet. he said why? and i told him i don't have anyone to go with yet. he said

"well you know we could still go together if you want". i agreed. i wanted to go, and i've always wanted to go with him.

but... there's a problem. he hugged me twice and our cheeks touched. i KNOW i still have strong feelings for this guy. I ALSO know that he still doesn't want to be tied down. if we ended up going to prom together, i'd be holding him, wanting him back, wanting him more than he's willing to offer... i would miss him, and yet we would not be... there wouldn't be a future. that would hurt me like hell again, and it would even be harder for me to move on.

today another guy from school asked me to prom. he's funny and fun, and i don't have hard feelings for him... as i do with my ex. and i told him i would give him an answer in a week. then i wrote a note to my ex telling him why i can't go to prom with him (cuz it would be hard for me to move on... etc as i have explained earlier). im sure he's read the note but he hasn't said anything yet. well i think im going to prom with the new guy... and i hope im doing the right thing. i know i am. just please... any advices would be appreciated. thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:41pm
Not going with your ex is in your best interests. He has been clear about what he wants/needs. It doesn't fit with your wants/needs.

I know where you are - you are tryign to recapture a past that is long gone. You are caught between a dream that you want to be real and the reality that is. Its ok to feel sadness but the longer you look back, the longer it will take you to move forward. Dreams are ok - but they can keep you from living in the here and now. and NOW is the only time you have so now is where you should be living.

If contact with him hurts you, then do not do it. That is simple enough. Being without him hurts but being with someone who doesn't love is more so. Do what hurts you the least. Eventually, you will be happy again and you will have learned some valuable lessons from the ordeal. Keep your eyes on your happy future, not your sad past.

Best wishes.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:31pm
Hi Nancy,

I am 24 and have gone through a relationship that was very similar in the same time of my life as you. It is so hard to deal with being heartbroken! Really what helped me was just time going by. My b/f and I at the time we broke up was before prom, we had been together for 2 years(I broke up w/him 1yr into the relationship cause I needed space and we got back together in a few months time)we had planned to go to prom together since we started dating. He had broken up with me...wanted his space, didnt want to be tied down. We did go to the same prom. I took a really popular hot guy that graduated the year before and they were on the same football team...LOL. It was really hard to see him there and then we graduated shortly after. I got a new job in the real world and when I started thinking about dating this guy I worked with, my ex(this is about 1yr after we split up)came to my work and told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and he couldnt stop thinking about me etc. Well, for me the best feeling was being able to release him and say, Im sorry, you had your chance, your a different person now and, No! That other guy I was thinking about, we started dating and now 6 years later we have been togther ever since and are now married.

You change a lot from when you are in high school. THe best advice I can give you is to not be friends(we tried that for a while)it hardly ever works out for the one who was broken hearted. Find new things to do with your time, meet new friends, go shopping, excersize, anything to keep you busy and to help your heart heal. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, and I know it seems that it is unbearable, but eventually it will get so much better. Who knows, you guys could meet up a few years from now and if its the right timing could really be together again, and you both be so much better. Hope this helped some, you can e-mail me anytime you want to vent or need someone to talk too. Tennysmiles@msn.com

Hugs, hang in there, it will get easier!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:18pm
I give you a lot of credit for doing what you did- putting your foot down and maintaining your position on this. This may feel like rock bottom and it will be a slow process of getting back on your feet and feeling "normal" again, but it'll happen eventually. I tried cutting off someone I was involved in last year...I had The Talk with him, read the advice on these boards to try and get thru everyday, and I eventually started talking to him again 3 weeks later. It was very neutral and friendly at first; I convinced myself I could handle just talking as friends. What was wrong with that? The problem is, slowly over time, you fall right back into the same spot you were in and it hurts all over again.

Anyway, to make a long story short, what you're doing is right. Follow your instincts. And if you need a support system I'm here :) (I will be with you soon as I need to have the where-do-we-stand talk again....for the 2nd time).