Giving too much??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Giving too much??
6
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:10pm
I've been dating a great guy for about a year now. Our relationship is great. We both love eachother very much, and I am very happy. We haven't really ever had 'the talk' though. I have no doubts about our relationship, and I've brough it up here and there. His response has always been some sort of 'I'm just not ready for marriage' kind of answer.

Recently, he's purchased a house about a half and hour from where I live. I drive over there about every night of the week, and then drive home in the morning. He and I have been spending quite a bit of time there, fixing it up and such. I have been putting a considerable amount of time and effort into this house. I enjoy doing it, and don't at all feel obligated to do the work. However, I'm beginning to feel like a housewife. Except I don't have the house, and I'm not his wife. I would really like us to atleast talk about our future together, so that I don't feel like I'm doing all of this work for nothing. I know he's the one for me, and I believe he feels the same way. I'm just worried that one or two years down the road, I'm going to be exactly where I am now. Am I giving too much to this relationship with things being so 'up in the air'?? How can I make him want to go that extra step?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kwhoa
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:58pm
Sorry, but there is nothing you can do to “make him want to” do anything he doesn’t want to do or isn’t ready to do. It’s just a fact of life. You cannot control another person’s feelings, thoughts or behavior. In response to your question, yes, I do think you’re investing too much without knowing exactly where the relationship is headed. It’s good that you realize it’s a possibility that a year or two down the road he still may not want what you do, with you. He's happy with things as they are and there's no guarantee that will change with time. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: kwhoa
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:05am
I'm afraid you can't make him DO anything...ESPECIALLY "go the next step". That is a natural process that must run it's course. He'll be ready when he's ready and it would be VERY unwise to push the matter and try to make him do it. If you suceeded he'd most likley end up resenting you because you "forced" him to do something he wasn't ready to do and if you tried and didn't suceed it would be because you pushed him away. As far as working on the house goes...as long as you don't have the preconception that it is (or is going to be) your house as well and your comfortable still working on the house then go for it...but know that in a few years you just may still be waiting and more than that by then your mind may have changed or his for that matter. If you've asked him and he says he's not ready to talk about it then he's just not ready and you can't rush that. Only you can decide what to do next. If it were me and I loved him as much as you say you do and he loved me as much as you say he loves you then I'd wait...especially if your SURE he's "the one" but ONLY YOU can decide if you absolutly have to be that commited to him right now or if you're willing to wait until he is ready. I wish you the best and keep us updated. sweetnopichick :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: kwhoa
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:45am
I didn't really mean to say 'make him take the next step'....I realize that that is impossible! I know better than to press the issue of marriage. I guess I'm just wondering how to deal with this kind of interim phase. I feel like I'm falling into a relationship that is basically a marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kwhoa
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:12pm
It's tough once you get to a certain point in a relationship to go back or "undo" the level of time spent together, but I think the only real thing you can do to stop feeling like you're married when you aren't is to stop behaving in a manner like you are. Stop spending so many nights together. Stop helping him so much with work on *his* house. Maintain a life of your own, independent of him.

Why would he ever want things to change? He's already got all the benefits of marriage without having to make any sacrifices or commitments. Does he give as much to the relationship as you do? Do you feel it's an equal partnership?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kwhoa
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:52pm

An hour and a half drive one way to get there, stay over and drive back the next morning is a lot. It's also a bit disturbing that he just went ahead and bought this house without you having any input, as you are there a lot, and are spending a lot of time and energy putting it into order for him. I don't think it's wise to just continue this way, unless you do have some kind of "talk". At the moment from the sound of it, it's all his way and beyond that, he doesn't sound as though he's being considerate of you. I think you absolutelyneed to know where you're headed and what he's thinking about vis a vis the relationship. One year is plenty of time to have a sense for where things are headed. Unless you get a feeling of willingness on his part to offer you a sense of future he may be planning (along with specific time frames), I would think twice about putting all this time, energy, love and focus into him and his home. (It is "his" place now, not yours). Sometimes relationships can drift along for a long while before individuals involved realize that they're on different pages. As I said, the fact that he went ahead and got this place with no input from you, doesn't bode very well. You must take care and respect yourself or the other person won't.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: kwhoa
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:19pm
It's a half hour drive each way. He did consult me when he bought the house...He wanted it to be something that we could work on together.

I'm scared to have the talk. I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him to make some kind of decision right now. I am young, and I don't necessarily want to get married TOMORROW. I just want to know where things are headed. I feel like everytime I try and bring it up, I end up scaring him about it. Like I'm going to freak out if I'm not married by a certain time or something. I'm just really bad about communicating these kinds of things. I don't want to give him an 'ultimatum' because I am very happy with him. But I do want to get married at some point...and I don't want to wait forever.

I know it's hard to explain things in writing sometimes. He is a great guy, and he is very considerate of my feelings. I don't want to ruin this one.