Newlywed nerves?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Newlywed nerves?
4
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:58am
I was married a month ago today. I have been with my husband off and on since August 2001, and we originally weren't going to get married until August of this year. However, we decided that we weren't going to have a formal wedding and thought, "Why wait?"

I don't know if it's because we went ahead and "rushed" or if there are deeper problems. I feel like I might have simply settled for him. Don't get me wrong, he is a fantastic man...very loving, supportive, good in bed. It just seems as though we're just comfortable...no passion, no spark. Almost boring at times. Could it be that I am having the prewedding jitters I didn't allow myself or is it more?

Like I said I do love him, but I'm afraid I married him more because I know he'll always be there for me no matter what. I do realize that this may be an abandonment issue, but would that explain the boredom I sometimes feel?

Maybe I should have given myself the experience of dating other men. (I am 26 years old but I never dated much.) The other contributing factor might be that I jumped from a failed relationship with a great friend turned lover to this one. I wonder if I gave myself time to be alone and independent. Could this be one big rebound?

Obviously I am confused because I am babbling. Hopefully someone will be able to decipher this and give me some advice. Please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:07pm
Moving in or getting married to someone has a way of bring all 'hidden' issues to the forefront of the relationship to be dealt with. There is no longer room for denial.

However, if you are looking to him as your source of happiness, entertainment, joy, etc, that's an unfair burden to put oh him. Happpiness comes from within you. Only you can fill that void. So what kinds of things do you do for you? Do you have your own friends, hobbies, things you do that 'fill you up'? If not, start.

Also, consider some of this reading material before you throw in the towel:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman

Falling in love with your husband again CAN happen, but you have to be willing to put in the effort.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:58am
I never said I saw him as my source of happiness, only a source of great support. I do many things to make myself happy. You learn to do so after a two year long triumph over depression. I was simply trying to figure out whether or not it was simply my nerves and maybe a period of adjustment or possibly something else.

I do agree with you when you say that once married, all the "hidden" issues come to surface. Thank you for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:18pm
I said IF - because I think sometimes we do this unconsciously.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:12pm
I don't know if I can help, but I can toss some ideas around. I've been married once, and almost immediately, I knew I'd made a BIG mistake. It took several years to correct it, however. It doesn't sound like you feel that way, however. My guess would be that you're feeling some anxiety about the future that you interpret as boredom. In other words, you're so emotionally overwhelmed, you're experiencing emotional burn-out, camouflaging as boredom. It probably does have something to do with the rebound issue, not much experience dating, etc. However, at this point, those are probably more background issues.

Do you feel comfortable talking to your husband about your concerns, or do you feel you must hide them? If you can't talk to him, are you afraid of hurting his feelings? I think the best way to get the monsters out of our closets, so to speak, is to bring them out into the open. They can be given a lot more importance when kept in secrecy than they really merit. I have a hunch that maybe you feel that the way you feel/felt about your ex is unfair to your husband. So it sits there making you feel bad, and eventually to feeling ambivalent about your husband so you no longer have to feel the pain of guilt. That's why I suggest talking to your husband. He may be very understanding if you just explained a little, and then maybe both of you could laugh at your fears. I laugh at myself regularly. Best of luck to you both!