Can this be saved

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Can this be saved
2
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:12pm
Well this might be long so please bear with me. My husband and I have been married for five years and seperated for a year now. Now while we have been seperated we remained true to our feelings for each other and basically broke up to give each other breathing space. We both have our share of problems and I have admitted to my own which was being controllive and verbally mean. I am in therapy trying to get over my problems and change for the better. But my husband unfortunately is still living in lala land thinking that he has done nothing wrong and refuses to think that he has problems. Now when I met him I took on the responsibilities knowing what they consisted of and still will be true them. But my husband on the other hand is getting defensive and mean about the whole situation. He started going on the internet dating sites and repeatedly responsed to women and asking for sex etc... he knows that i know because he gave me email and passwords so forth. he knows that this hurts me and told me that he is doing this to see how far he can go before i get upset and involved. This is 8th grader stuff time to grow up and move on. does he want to know that i hurt or what is his main purpose of doing this. he lies about himself of these things and then well like i said just stupid stuff. Now i know he still loves me that is not even a question he wears his emotions so well and I know that he loves me but why is he doing this. do I just leave him alone and maybe he finds someone else or what. I know that I hurt him but i have taken the responsibilities for my actions and i know it doesn't make me a winner in this case but i don't want to stoop that low of having to make him jealous. We have kids and oh darn if he only paid that amount of attention to his kids then his friends or brother. these kids are hurting greatly but he doesn't see that as just as long as he has personal gratification. I know people will say just move on and forget about it but I can't. we have so many great memories and times and things weren't always this way. I just need advice because I don't know what else I am supposed to do anymore. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:56pm
I want you to re-read what you posted. Then I want you to think about this....

::he knows that this hurts me

He doesn't care how you feel. He knows he's hurting you but does it anyway. That is not the actions/behavior of a loving man.

::and told me that he is doing this to see how far he can go before i get upset and involved.

So he wants a reaction from you. Give him one. Either tell him: If this behavior doesn't stop you will file for divorce, period.

::This is 8th grader stuff time to grow up and move on.

How many children do you have? Hon, you don't need a 'boy' in a man body that you have to raise.

::does he want to know that i hurt or what is his main purpose of doing this.

He's told you, believe him, he wants a reaction from you.

::he lies about himself of these things and then well like i said just stupid stuff.

So he has no integrity? He's dishonest?

::Now i know he still loves me that is not even a question he wears his emotions so well and I know that he loves me but why is he doing this.

His behavior is not consistent with someone that loves their spouse. He's hurting you by his actions, doesn't care because HE wants a reaction from you. HE won't go to counseling. HE won't work on the relationship. It's all about him. There is no two-way street here.

::do I just leave him alone and maybe he finds someone else or what. I know that I hurt him but i have taken the responsibilities for my actions and i know it doesn't make me a winner in this case but i don't want to stoop that low of having to make him jealous.

You don't have to.

::We have kids and oh darn if he only paid that amount of attention to his kids then his friends or brother.

Get mad about this! React to this.

:: these kids are hurting greatly but he doesn't see that as just as long as he has personal gratification.

Does this not show you how self-centered, self-focused and self-absorbed he is????

::I know people will say just move on and forget about it but I can't. we have so many great memories and times and things weren't always this way.

If you really aren't going to leave, then let me offer this - stop giving him permission to treat you this way. Stop giving him permission to be on date sites, to ignore the kids.

First, call his bluff.... as long as you are 'dating' online, I will not discuss anything but the children and their schedules with you. If after 2 weeks, all the accounts aren't gone, I will be filing for a divorce. This process can only be stopped if you will join me in 6 counseling appts. Also, your children NEED THEIR FATHER'S ATTENTION. Starting now. They are going to visit you, stay with you x number of days a week.

In your counseling sessions, please work on these things 1) self-esteem, 2) being assertive in what you want and 3) setting boundaries that are appropriate for the situation. Stop letting him play with your emotions and feelings.

My best to you as you sort this out. Hopefully someone else will have some advice too.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:10pm
Hi, it seems like the both of you love each other very much. You have been married to him for 5 years. That's a long time invested. Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? Another thing, I seriously doubt he has anything going on w/others on the internet. He is only doing that to make you jealous. Because, he knows you have the password - - why would he do it if he knows you know it. And, you both have children together. Children need not only the mom but the dad too. I'm not sure how long you two have split - 1 year? I suggest you both get marriage counseling. I'm sure he loves you very much. Does he call? Does he think about you?

My end: I'm married for five years too. I have two boys w/him. Yes, he spends alot of time w/his friends, brother. It's in their nature. He was brought up that way being w/his friends all the time. I can't change it no matter how much I talk, yell being angry w/him about it. But I too have many problems w/him. But I don't know what to do if I left him, I would be hurt, i love him very much. Sometimes they have these moods. Well talk to you later.

gotta run...

bye