serious trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
serious trust issues
4
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:36am
Hi new here - I am a 31 year old mom with 2 boys (twins) - divorced. I have been dating "J" for about 8 months now - whos divorce was recently finalized (he was separated - yet divorce had been filed and he had his own home when we met) he is 39 and has 3 children who he has 50/50 custody of and they are all older 14-16-17. Anyway here is the situation and my conflict of trust.

This guy first of all is wonderful to me( attentive, kind, patient , helpful - JUST great - what any girl could hope for) and to my kids and I get along well with his kids and we have been talking about making the next step in the relationship and possibly moving intogether - engaged - we just dont know but wr have been TALKING abut making this change in the summer before the start of school next fall. Things were going great.

--- However - I am finding out that this man has some secrets and I am disturbed. - About a month ago I was staying over at his place and was on his computer where - he asked me to go into history file to get a website url to check out - well there I saw that he was looking at personal ads and quite a few of them - I approached him about it and he admitted he was curious- but not to worry about anything that is was nothing more than that. Ok fine I let that go (well let it go as far as ever talking to him about it) - THEN 2 days ago I am on his computer and trying to run a cd- and I go into his d drive to see that this man has spyware on his ex wifes computer and is reading her emails- ims and private conversations with her boyfriend - and I saw one of the emails which contained websites that he shared with ME that were sexual in nature (I did not bring this part up to him - only the fact that I noticed he is checking emails on ex wife) . I talked to him about this and his response again was not to worry - that he only has this because he is trying to find out $$ information about taxes that he feels she lied to him about or something of that nature. Well I am having a very difficult time with this. I love this man ALOT and am so hurt that I am doubting his love and fidelity already. I just dont know what to do and he really isnt doing anything directy to me - its this hidden stuff. But directly he is WONDERFUL with me

(I hope that makes sense) Anyone have any advice here??

Thanks

alex

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:47am

Yes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:54pm
I'm dating someone and I go through personals all the time, just for fun. Maybe you shouldn't worry about that. Maybe you should sit with him in the computer and enjoy answering people together, you'll see it means nothing. In the other hand, you should worry about him spying on his ex. I think he is not over her, yet. Be careful. But do things in an intelligent way, don't make decision you would regret later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:13pm
I totally agree with Sheri.

His words and actions do NOT match. He's saying what you want to hear, but I don't feel he's being honest with you or with himself. If he's in a committed relationship to you, he doesn't act like it.

As far as syping on his ex - his story is a crock. Sounds to me that he is not over her and he still has issues due to the break up.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:18pm
I don't know about doubting his love and fidelity. He just may love you and he just may be remaining faithful to you -- you don't know for sure. However, he seems to have some serious tendencies towards deception and spying, which you DO know for sure. I consider that alone to be a big red flag.