I feel like the first runner-up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
I feel like the first runner-up!
4
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:08pm
Every time my boyfriend's ex-wife surfaces, he becomes so depressed and moody. Fortunately, she lives a few states away. The bad part--they are trying to make some changes to the divorce papers and they aren't agreeing about it. She has decided to come to town next weekend to get everything done.

Now, we already have plans to an event. We made these plans two months ago (give or take a week!). He tells me he has to deal with this paperwork to be done with her once and for all so I'm going to a play by myself it seems!

The part I'm really stressing about is he tells she will probably stay at his home. She has friends and family in the area, but told him there is no room at those places. Now, he lives in a one bedroom apartment in NYC (talk about no room!).

I don't know what to do with this one. I love him, but can't accept this treatment. I think he's beeing rude to me.

Am I overreacting? I'm incredibly hurt and angry that our plans are being disregarded and that she insists on staying with him. I should tell you she is always trying to get him to take her back so I see her as using this paperwork as an excuse.

He won't talk about it with me because he knows I'm angry.

FYI -- There are no children from the marriage, just some property.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:13pm
She should stay at a hotel. I would feel like you do.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:28pm
She's still his wife...why is it nobody realizes that divorce is traumatizing even if you want it, and even if you instigated it, and even if your logical mind says it is necessary for you to do.

You spent time with this person investing in a future in terms of money, effort, work, sacrifice, compromise, and comingling in every way - and now the future that you worked for - can't happen as a result of this division of property, and end of the marriage.

That would depress most people....you want him to be estatic that his entire "future" is being ripped to shreds....you want him to prioritize going somewhere he has made plans to go over attending to his future, grieving appropriately...this is why you don't date married people..they're not complete yet - and so they're not choosing "you" out of admiration and respect...they're being with you for convenience, support, comfort, and security. And when something else arises and you're not what gives them those things - they go elsewhere.

He's not finding comfort in not having her with him, not attending to this division of property......so he's doing what meets his needs. When being with you meets his needs - he is. And when not being with you meets his needs - he's not being with you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:24pm

I absolutely would not be comfortable with her staying with him and infringing on your plans, and if he's not willing to take a stand on these issues, that would be enough to make me reconsider the relationship.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:12pm
This is exactly why rebound relationships don't work. It isn't even baggage yet- he is still in the middle of things with her and needs time to get divorced and then deal with the divorce.