Fears and doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fears and doubts
6
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:41pm
Why do we let our insecurities get to us? Why do we let these thoughts run our lives?

I can't ever help but wonder if my SO is loyal to me 100%. My heart believes he is 98% but there is that 2% that does wonder. Shouldn't there be reason to wonder? I mean there have been a few little things that have happened over the past few years, but everything was explained and they ended up being minor...female friend's phone number in his dayplanner, ex-girlfriends email address in dayplanner(all of a sudden) and hidden cell phone bills. My SO never goes out without me and of course always returns in the evening if visiting at a friends. We have a very healthy sex life and he tells me I am beautiful and sexy all the time. Calls me throughout the day to see how I am doing, leaves me nice messages for when I get home after work...you know, all the little things that mean a lot.

So why do I feel this way...why do I wonder who he calls on his cell phone. Why do I scan over ever number on our long distance telephone bill? Is he doing these nice things out of guilt...I could try to analyse this for hours and hours. Any answers as to why I feel so insecure about a relationship that may very well be the best relationship I ever have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: kilmer11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:52pm
I wish I had that answer too!! I had many thoughts like that for a long time. For me it was mostly how goodlooking my hubby is and the job that he was in at the time. I know how much I love him and I guess you have to just let the insecurities go or they will be the one to sabatoge the relationship. My Hubby has never really given me a reason to feel any insecurites, but just like you said sometimes you just cant help it. It sounds like he really loves you and I think he does those nice things to show his love, not out of guilt. Hope this helps at all! Good luck:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: kilmer11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:19pm
Thank you for your thoughts. I do truly want to start believing that these nice actions are out of kindness and love, not guilt. I am going to start accepting these acts of kindness as proof of his love for me.

Thanks again :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: kilmer11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:07pm
Your welcome!! I hope it gets better for you, please keep us posted!! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
In reply to: kilmer11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:45pm
Hi pom... I just want to let you know from personal experience, you have to get over your insecurities. My fiance and I went through the same thing VERY recently. I have been in a few relationships in the past and every person I have ever been with has cheated on me. So, I often find myself preparing for the worst. Without any proof or any reason, I would fly off the handle and accuse him of things. I have gone through his email, his cell, and his wallet. The only thing I have ever found is the phone number of a fellow employee... who is gay and is one of our good friends. Enough is enough, and he can't take it anymore. I accused him for the last time and he is in the process of leaving me. I can not tell you enough about how much this hurts. Thinking he is cheating doesn't hurt nearly as much as the fear of not being with him, the fear of not having him hold me, the fear of never seeing him again. So, before you accuse, before you let your insecurities take over... Stop and think about what is more important. Is it picking a fight for no good reason or is it being with the man you love?? I hope this helps and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: kilmer11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:41pm
best answer I can give is from the Bible: pure love castest out fear.

Your own issues with distrust allow you to doubt and self sabatoge (I did it for years) until you firmly decide to open your heart to HONEST and REAL love, you will be tormented by the doubts and fears you feel. Once you are certain what you want, you will not allow for anything less. You will not allow people less than what you are to be in your life.

Basically: be the person you want to attract and you will find him!

Toni

Avatar for kidshilleen
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: kilmer11
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:02am
Okay,

Take it from me, I have been cheated on, and I have dated men who were busy and successful - there is a big difference.

When I was getting cheated on by my ex, it was soooo obvious almost immediately, even though I didn't know at first what it was until I thought back. He went from friendly and affectionate to distant and secretive about everything (phone, phone bill, where he was when I called) - nothing against men in general, but I would be shocked if any man was smart enough to try to be attentive and affectionate to 2 women at the same time. Aside from the freaks you hear about on TV that have 5 wives in 5 different states - I just don't see our normal guys ever pulling that one off - or ever wanting to.

You shouldn't worry! And yes, some of it is in your head and your insecurities - but I think, too, that we hear every day about so-and-so cheating on his wife, it's worse than ever, how can we not have some thoughts in the back of our mind?

You just have to remember, you cannot control every moment of his life - if he wanted to suddenly cheat on you, checking up on him, keeping track of him, or worrying about it is not going to keep him from doing it - and we should never worry about things we can't control. Just enjoy him and be happy, nothing keeps a man honest more than knowing he makes you happy.



My current SO is a very good looking, pretty face, almost GQ man - he even models some - I also know for a fact that he has a little fan club of ladies from 14 to 55 that call, flirt and talk to him daily through his job - it's okay - why? Because he is not the same person on the inside that they see. Honest, sensitive and broke country boy that adores his 3 children, is what I know about him. That's the parts I love. He knows it, and that's why I'm his girlfriend instead of them.

Best Wishes,

Tonya