Extramarital Infatuation
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| Fri, 04-09-2004 - 6:07pm |
This past weekend, I made a mistake, although it was not a deliberate mistake. My husband had told me during one of the conversations where I asked if there was a problem that I needed to be aware of that he thought I had read something that made him think he was having an affair (which I never accused him of). Apparently, he was keeping a journal and he thought I read it. I didn't- this was purely instinct that told me something was up. Well, our 2-y.o. girl found it and was scribbling in it. When I took it away, I realized what it was. Instead of closing it, I read it. I found out that roughly since the time I felt there was a problem, he had developed pretty intense feelings for this woman, although he felt strongly that there was no reciprocation on her end. A lot of what he wrote ripped me in two, even if I shouldn't have seen it in the first place.
We have been fighting since this happened. He says that he is entitled to his private thoughts and that extramarital infatuation happens a lot. He says that he realizes that these feelings are a problem, that he needed to do something, but that he had no reason to tell me. He didn't know if the infatuation was real feelings, or more like being in love with the idea of someone. And until he figured that out, then it would only have hurt me. (ie The hurt would have been needless if indeed these feelings were a fantasy and not the reality of this woman) Our relationship has struggled because of a really difficult year, and we both have contributed to where we are at right now.
I am completely consumed with this- I can't understand being attracted to another person, but not wanting to be with them physically, which he says it wasn't. He says it was an emotional connection very similar to the one we shared before life got in the way of our love for each other. I also don't know if infatuation is a normal feeling, or if it is as wrong as it feels. I feel so hurt by this, betrayed, and angry. He is livid and unable to even acknowledge that I even have a right to be upset because he feels as though if I admit my mistake, then I should not be affected by what he wrote. I know I made a mistake, but that doesn't take away knowing how he felt.
we are seeking counseling. He feels like that infatuation is short-term, and what he has with me is long term- and more important. But that doesn't make the attraction go away. He hasn't really had time to think this through without me right there. He took her to the airport a couple days ago, and I felt like that was so inappropriate in light of what happened. He is angry with me and defensive of her. Then he says he wants to work this out. How can conflicting feelings be there in him at the same time? We are in such a mess. He feels like I violated his privacy, and I did, but I can't leave him alone about how he feels now. He says those feelings are gone, but can they go away overnight, when they were intense enough for him to question whether it was love or not? We both want to work this out, and have no clue where to start. I am so stressed about this that I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't stop thinking about this. I just don't have any idea what to do.

I think that counseling is a great start. If he's saying he wants to work it out then let's hope he means it. He should really cut off the extra contact with her for your sake and the sake of your marriage. Would he be willing to do that for you? I guess all I can say is that the rest is up to him. He needs to make some changes and decisions and you are in a bad place.
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
My guess is that she's been sending him vibes, but not really admitting it, making him question his senses, desirability and possibly even masculinity. If he's faithful in heart at all, the easiest way another woman could get to him would be to make him wonder what's going on with this woman. Are his senses deceiving him or doesn't she like him? So he keeps wondering and pondering, and pretty soon he's in so deep that anything seems justifiable to him. This is the deceptive power of sin; it's a lie on the mind.
I guess my best advice would be to tell him that he needs to realize he's being deceived and ask God for help to break free. This woman is apparently trying to reach him on the same emotional level that you did and she may know exactly what she's doing. There's a verse that says a woman is a deep pit by which a man is reduced to a crust of bread. If he continues, he going to seriously humiliate himself, you, and every one close to either of you.
The advantage an affair has over a marriage is that people can lie easily in an affair and get away with it. She can ALWAYS present the perfect front. You, on the other hand, get tired, have a bad day, etc. He should be mature enough to realize that any one can seem like anything for a short time, but that's no reason to wonder if you love them or not. He's being ridiculous!
As far as your looking into his journal, don't you have the right to protect your interests? You two are one; you are separate individuals, but in goals and purposes, you should be together, completely. He's doing something that's not in the best interests of your relationship and you have every right to protect those interests. He really shouldn't have ANYTHING he wants to hide from you. He may not feel like sharing everything, but that doesn't mean he's keeping it from you (with the possible exception of the confidentiality of another person that really doesn't concern you, etc.). People just don't take marriage seriously enough, in my opinion. They don't realize they give-up some of their rights when they say "I do" but they also gain a union that is unparalleled. It's mainly about attitude. Marriage can be considered a bondage, or it can feel like it allows great freedom to express one's love for someone. It's just like how any good law can be considered a hindrance or a protection, depending on how one looks at it.
I hope he can realize that what he's doing will just hurt every one involved. I also hope you two can get through this and revive those old feelings. Where a person's treasure is, their heart will be also. If you two can give each other little attentions, gradually you'll come to value one another more and more, I believe. The catch is, both need to be willing. Best wishes!
Infidelity reaches beyond having sex:
Emotional intimacy, virtual affairs take hold in workplace
By Karen S. Peterson
USA TODAY
Cybersex and so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who stray.
But the truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the workplace. As more employees labor longer hours together, close friendships increasingly are taken for granted. And as more women move into professions once dominated by men, there are greater temptations for both sexes.
There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good marriages.
''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' Glass says.
Glass' 25 years of research on ''extramarital attachments'' adds to a growing understanding of just what constitutes infidelity and why it happens.
She believes affairs do not have to include sex. ''In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.''
This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are ''incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. ''They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond.'' The third edition of Vaughan's The Monogamy Myth will be released this month.
A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:
* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''
* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''
* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.
Glass sums up her research and that of others in Not ''Just Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, $24), now arriving in bookstores.
''This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships and Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages,'' Glass says.
Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.
How many have affairs, either emotional or sexual, is difficult to gauge. After reviewing 25 studies, Glass believes 25% of wives and 44% of husbands have had extramarital intercourse.
About two-thirds of the 350 couples she has treated include one or both partners who have had some type of intense affair, sexual or emotional. The most threatening to marriages combine both, she says. Sixty-two percent of the unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their illicit partner through work.
Researchers identify many factors contributing to infidelity. Proximity at the office is key for Glass. ''My research and the research of others point to opportunity as a primary factor. . . . Attractions are a fact of life when men and women work side by side.''
Many other risk factors may be in play. They include:
* Family patterns. Unfaithful parents tend to produce sons who betray their wives and daughters who either accept affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves, Glass says.
* Biochemical cravings. Changes in brain chemicals during an affair can create a ''high that becomes almost addictive,'' says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.
Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says the biological need for connection can result from ''severe stress, loss or separation'' that often can be traced back to childhood.
* Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of cyber-affairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction. She cites the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.
* Increasing premarital sex. The more premarital sexual activity, the greater the chance of an extramarital affair, Glass says. ''Because girls are more sexually active at younger ages than they used to be, married women are not nearly as inhibited about crossing the line.''
* Child-centered marriages. Parents with dual careers and limited time ''often collude to give what time they have to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting, and they don't make time for themselves,'' Glass says. Stereotypically, the husband finds somebody at work to share his adult interests.
Some affairs happen, Glass says, ''because people have certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe if they love their spouse and have a good marriage, they don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might be necessary or create the boundaries to make their marriages safe.''
Basically monogamous partners drawn to interesting colleagues at work find themselves in ''great internal conflict.'' Her best advice: ''The more attractive we find somebody, the more careful we have to be.''
How to keep temptation at arm's length
There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:
* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.
* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.
* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''
* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''
* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.
* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''
* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.
* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''
* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 million to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work (recreation) relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie