ex-GF and husband
Find a Conversation
ex-GF and husband
| Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:03pm |
My husband has a freindship of 15 years with his ex. We have been married 4 yrs and all this time I have cried many times because I find he is giving her gifts "as a friend" and contacting her without telling me. I told him to let me know if she contacts him so I don't get all suspicious. I get hurt when I see his emails to her, even if they are a couple times a year. Am I overreacting? This was his love of his life and he claims they are friends, but she cannot meet me, she doesn't want to and will never be a friend to me or anyone of our friends/family. So I just assume he has no feeling for her and vice versa, but it bothers me, he lies to me when he needs to see her. He gets angry when I get upset that he contacts her. She lives nearby and he could be seeing her often for all I know... I can't spy on him...
If she can be a friend to us, it's ok, his ex just before me and he are friends and she and I get along great, we are cool, but this one is not right... she does not want anything to do with me and that to me says she still has feelings for my husband... So why can't he stop seeing her if it is killing me?? What do I have to do to stop this? Is divorce the only answer? Why won't he stop? Or do I have to just get over it and let them be friends??? Am I wrong to feel like this? He said he will still see her and he will not tell me when he does because they are only friends and it's nothing to get upset about. What does he think I am??? I am so mad, help me!!
Edited 4/9/2004 7:23 pm ET ET by erinton
If she can be a friend to us, it's ok, his ex just before me and he are friends and she and I get along great, we are cool, but this one is not right... she does not want anything to do with me and that to me says she still has feelings for my husband... So why can't he stop seeing her if it is killing me?? What do I have to do to stop this? Is divorce the only answer? Why won't he stop? Or do I have to just get over it and let them be friends??? Am I wrong to feel like this? He said he will still see her and he will not tell me when he does because they are only friends and it's nothing to get upset about. What does he think I am??? I am so mad, help me!!
Edited 4/9/2004 7:23 pm ET ET by erinton

Pages
My husband feels that it would be best if you spied on him. Watch what he is doing. Before you go so far as getting a divorce over what may be a harmless friendship and regreting your action find out for sure what is going on. if maybe you have a friend that your husband wouldnt recognize as well as a car se if they will help you out.
It seems to me, that he has been sneaking around and lying about something for at least 4 years. If it was just a friendship then it would be treated the same way as his other friendships are. Does he sneak and lie about other friends. If so are any of them guys?
He either has something to hide or why would he act that way. You are very strong for putting up with this for this long. I dont think i would be able too. I would have already found out what it is that hes hiding because if there are these types of secrets and actions within a relationship then it isnt a good or strong relationship. You have offered compramises and such. And it doesnt seem to matter to them how much you are and have been hurting over this.
We also have a question. Do you all have children?
If so that may have alot to do with this. Often if you have children and this is going on alot of times it is because he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you but he feels obligated because you are the mother of his children. I have known a few couples like that.
so what does that make you chopped liver? How sad for you.
Personally, if they were "just friends" 1) he wouldn't lie to you, 2) he wouldn't hide things from you, 3) she would want to meet you (because you are a big part of his life, like his wife.
This doesn't look good. Consider marriage counseling. Let a counselor tell him how his behavior undermines his marriage. Or get Dr Laura's book 10 Things Couples Do to Mess up Their Relationship.
Sounds like you've talked about guidelines - you request to be informed, in the loop (and no woman would like their guy/mate/husband giving other women gifts ) and he's unable to fulfill your request. Not a good sign.
My best to you.
Carrie
Divorce is not always the only option. Is he willing to talk to you about this? If you sat him down to talk, would he be willing to explain his feelings for her? Also, if their interactions are inappropriate - say, in her place alone, or if there's alcohol involved- then things are definitely going to come to a head. Is counseling an option? These situations are so complicated- overwhelming, and painful. But there are ways out that don't involve just being over- hang in there and know you're not alone.
It may come down to - living with it or leaving him over it, especially since he's unable to follow through with any compromises.
Carrie
You say everything is great except for this one thing. To me, it's not one little thing. He's lying to you (who knows what else he could be lying about?) and sneaking around with a woman (even if it's only via e-mail) who he won't let you meet. I might be compelled to lay it on the line. Either let me meet her, or I'm leaving, period. The not letting you meet her speaks volumes to me.
Has he ever cheated before? Or have they always been 'just friends' since they broke up?
Best of luck to you.
Pages