Please help me someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2004
Please help me someone
7
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:09pm
I am barely 18, my husband is barely 21. We got together when i was 14. I left him last june. I tried to get a divorce at that time the state was going to help me because i was abused by him. Then we found out that it was going to cost money because he had moved out of state. My relationship with him was full of abuse, mentally and physically. He would purposely go out of his way to embarass me in front of our family, friends, and people we didnt even know. He was very controlling and I wasnt allowed to have male friends, and with his actions it wasnt to much longer till i didnt want any friends because i was so embarrased. He has forced me to have sex with him in front of my bestfriend. He had a specific female friend whom he would sneak around with, she would also be openly rude to me and he would take her side. And another girl he would be angry about me for not liking, however, i didnt like her because she would slam the door in my face after she and my husband had walked into her house, knowing i was there my husband didnt open the door or confront this woman about the way she was treating me. His jealousy was to the point i slowly coulnt see my family. First i couldnt visit with my cusins because alot of them are males, then it kept ongoing to the point i couldnt talk to my mom on the phone for more then 20 minuates if that before he took it away. He was afraid that I was telling her about him hitting me and such. When i left him i felt happy. i wanted to do things, be around friends, i wanted to go to school. I had ambition. I was outgoing, outspoken, very openionated. When im with him i feel depressed, embarrassed, i just want to bury myself in a hole and not see or talk to anyone, especially him. weve been seperated and I had moved out from june to march, working 40 - 50 hours a week to support myself. At first i didnt talk to him at all. Then we slowly started to talk. But then he got cell phones for the both of us and called me all the time. he would sit on my front porch for hours on in waiting for me to come back to my house if i had gone out with my friends. I am now living with him and he is, and has been for the last week or two, taking care of me. I dont have a job yet. I am going to to have a job by the end of this month and hopefully be able to start school in the summer semester for architecture. We wants me to try again. He wants to get back together. I dont feel the same. But I do feel bad for him. I dont know what to do and i am hoping someone can offer some helpful advice or points of view. Also to be fair on his part. The whole time i was with him i never cheated on him, abused him or such, but after i left him, one night i got drunk and had a one nightstand, also I was raped and got pregnant which my husband helped me pay to abort the child, and i have paid that back. I also was with another guy that i really liked and we did have sex as well. However during my relationship with this guy my husband contributed alot to the ending, by constantly waiting around, calling me, send obscene and rude text messages while i would be spending time with this person. Untill recently i denied doing anything with anyone because i didnt want to be with my husband and felt it wasnt his business what i was doing and also i was afraid of what his reaction. Now he knows and continues to bring it up, calling me horrible names like bitch, slut, ho, worthless sac of sh-- and such. He wants me to get back with him and he tells me things would be different, but he still flips out on me, openly humiliates me in front of people however he just doesnt hit me now. He claims hes changed, hes a different person. but i feel that may be he just took a step backwards and just tries not to go as far as to hit me, and that he could easily go back to hitting me if we were to establish a relationship. I would like to know he has changed but after what weve been through, and the fact i grew up around abusive men who always claimed to have changed but no matter what the went back to that, it just would take a little while befor he would. I will always have the shadow of doubt. I feel that as a result of our relationship that i will never fully be able to trust another man and if i do it would take alot. I dont know what to do. Please respond with an imput or advice. If you feel you have any questions about something or not sure you understand something please ask. I am desperate and i am willing to be very open. I need help with my problem and dont have anyone i feel i can talk to about this.

In addition, i realize there are alot of negative things about my husband, but there were some good. I was removed from my family by the state because of the condition of my mothers house. there were alot of roachs, trash every where, basically it was nasty. He used his check and repaired my house up to the standards that were required for me to be able to come home. He would walk a good 10 - 15 minuates to my school to walk me home. hes given me flowers and some bears.

Rachel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 8:19pm
Oh, Rachel, I feel terrible for you! PLEASE, please, contact a woman's domestic abuse shelter or office asap. I know you feel bad for him, want to give him the benefit of the doubt, etc., but I can tell you from experience that most of what he says and does is to manipulate your emotions. Sure, he's done a few things for you, but has he ever done things without some hope of return from others? And if he has, did he brag about it later, or tell it to other people? My guess is that when he does something for you, he wants more in return either now or later. This is not a healthy relationship for you, please heed my advice.

At the beginning of a relationship people don't usually show what they are really all about. There is what they call a "honeymoon" phase, that usually only lasts 2-3 months, 6 at the most. This man romances you for a short period, until he gets whatever it is he wants. Then he mistreats you, BADLY. Please get help!

I also know from experience that it's easy to repeat the old abusive patterns of the past. Could I suggest counseling? I read a good book that said good therapy changes what a person wants. When we grow-up in an unhealthy environment, it seems natural and right, even when it isn't. We need someone we can trust, and search until you find someone like that, to re-evaluate past beliefs and attitudes. A lot of our expectations need to be revised.

There's a lot of help out there. I've met a lot of caring people and contrary to what I believed would happen, I wasn't abused at all. Sometimes abusers hold us under their sway by making us believe others are worse, but they wouldn't have to say that if it were really true. You can do a lot better than this! Do it for yourself and all those whose lives you can touch. Please! Take care and let me know if I can help. Blessings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 8:37pm
I totally agree. You need to find a women's shelter, a support group, and some individual counseling. The women's shelter will have all the resources for these things plus they can often times help you to become self sufficient in the process. Thankfully you have no children so you are one step ahead of a lot of the women they help.

This man isn't changing. Look at how he is making you feel already. The signs are all there and you aren't blind to them. You need to tap into that independent self you developed and leave him. There is absolutely no reason to feel sorry for him and don't ever let him trick you into thinking so. These controlling abusive men are very good at brain-washing and slowly cutting you off from your family. Your husband has all the classic symptoms of a wife beater. Stay away from him. You are so young and have such potential. You have no need for him at all. Could you go back to your family? How close are you with them? I would even suggest getting an order of protection against him so he can't wait on your front porch or do any sort of stalking. Get rid of that cell phone too; get your own cell phone.

As for your worries of not trusting men and your past experience with abusive men I can totally understand why you are scared. I think it would be smart for you to not get involved with any man for a while. Perhaps years. I don't know the details of your upbringing but from what you did share I think you have to really work on yourself and finding your self-worth. Once you have your self-worth then you will be less likely to find yourself in an abusive situation. And if you do find yourself in another one you'll have more strength to leave it. I like your idea of going to school. That's a great goal and don't lose site of that. But before anything find a woman's shelter and do it quickly before he hurts you again. It's just a matter of time now and you know this. Stay strong and keep in touch with us. We are all here for you!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 8:42pm
Also I think this forum for domestic abuse might be a great one for you to check out:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:56pm
Rachel, please please listen to us girlfriend. I know you might have feelings in your heart for your guy but please listen to us and understand he is NOT good for you!! You are very young and very scared but YOU deserve BETTER!! You can do it. You are a good person and you can make it! Do not listen to him and do not let him hit you or put you down or try to control you. There are OTHER men out there, LOTS of them, who would not treat you this way. Like the others said please go to a women's shelter and get some counseling ASAP, you will make it I know you will! Be strong and take care!

Jez

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:34am
Every woman should be treated like a queen and you shouldn't settle for any less. You have been surrounded it sounds like all your life with unloving people, and it sucks because a lot of people are born into that. You need to realize that you have so much to live for and tell yourself that. Find it in yourself and love yourself and you will get someone who loves you back equally as much. This is not love darling, you think it is but it's not. Love yourself enough to leave him for good. Do me a favor and get this book it's called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay, it's a really good book and it teaches you how to make a positive change in your life...you can email me @ddslilmomma@yahoo.com cuz I want some updates and if you need any advice you can always talk to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:21pm
Rachel sweetie, can't say that I can help you much on this one, but please listen to what other girls have to say to this problem. My sympathy goes to you. Take care please! No one deserves that kind of treatment. And please don't think that flowers or bears are nice things he does for you because he SHOULD BE doing them. As for he helping you financially, it's a given! You are supposed to help one another in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 2:33am
No human being has the right to hit another in any circumstance. You as a human, don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour. I know you were with him for a long time, but you need to leave him and move on with your life without him. He had his chance, twice and has proven himself. He is supposed to make you feel good and happy EVERYDAY, not just occasionally. He is supposed to encourage and support you, motivate you into trying new things. He is supposed to compliment you, help you financially, love you.

Someone who puts you down, places rules on you, doesn't let you see your family and makes you feel miserable ALL the time, isn't worth the time and effort you put into making things work. You can't change him. He obviously doesn't want to change. He doesn't love or respect you.

Please take this time to do something for yourself and seek help. As the others have suggested, go to a woman's shelter and councelling is a great idea to help you get your self-esteem back and learn that you are worth more that he tells you! Remember, you deserve better, someone who respects all of you and loves every part of you. Don't put up with his crap, get up and walk out.