My jealousy is driving him away....again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
My jealousy is driving him away....again
4
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 2:09am
I've always sort of been insecure with myself and had low self-esteem. I've dated many guys who have left me and sometimes for other girls. I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 1/2 years. We fight all the time about other girls. He doesn't hang out with any, he barely looks at any, except for online. He was flirting online too, but deleted the meeting site because it hurt me. To me it always looks like he only talks to the skinny big-boobed magazine-like girls and it makes me feel inadequate and like he wants them and not me. I even get mad when there is an attractive woman on television and change the channel. He thinks I am trying to control him, but I am not. I'm afraid he is going to leave me for someone else because it's happened to me many times.

My jealousy and anger pushed him away last year and we broke up for 5 months and got back together. I don't want to make the same mistakes. I love him very much.

How can I re-gain self-esteem and feel pretty?? In my head I know I am being stupid because it's ME he sleeps with every night, it's ME he says he loves, he tells ME he needs me and wants to be with ME, he tells ME I am beautiful every day. Why do I feel like this? Everytime there is an attractive girl around or if he talks to one I make comments like "she's ugly" etc....

I don't want to lose him again, please help me learn how to get self-esteem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 5:54am
I have self-esteem issues, too, and I can tell you this what I have learned so far.

If you don't care about yourself first, no one else will. Secondly, have you considered that maybe you're not with the right person? I know that you love him dear, but from my own experiences, if you're with the right person you can do anything and you don't feel inadequate. When I was with my ex husband even though I wasn't 'in love' with him, I could do anything- I lost 60 pounds, got further in college than I ever had and felt great about myself. Then after meeting my ex (we broke up a week ago)my self esteem got shot through the ground- I gained the weight back, started suffereing academically.

The people who prevent you from living happily are toxic and especially with self-esteem issues, you need to be careful of how close you allow yourself to get to them. Surround yourself with friends who don't judge you or take up an extracurricular hobby.

I just read this article in a magazine last month and I found it fascinating. A woman- size 14 actually, posed in a bikini and had her picture taken, they put it in different cities and posed two different questions:'I think I'm fat, do you?' And people responded that she was. The next ad showed the SAME picture and said 'I think I'm sexy, do you?' and people responded that she was.

A big part of how others view you is based on how you view yourself. If you catch your man online looking at other women (my ex did that, too) than realize that it's not your problem- it's him. It's nothing that you did, and you don't have any inadequacies, he's the one who is lacking- either committment, or respect for you, or both.

I think you should be more concerned with his intent at looking at these other women- it doesn't sound like the standard guy and his porn, it sounds like these are real women who he might be trying to hook up with. If that's the case, he's not worth your time or your love. Think about this: if you think you feel hurt now and he's doing this, how are you going to feel if you find out he's cheating on you.

Good luck,

Lily

Sydnie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 8:32am
you are exactly what you think you are - then you must change your thinking. Would you beat up a dear friend the way you beat up yourself? Would you tell her she's fat, ugly, worthless, etc? NO. Then why do you think you deserve to be told the same thing? You don't.

Every time you have a negative thought about yourself, counter it with a good one - much like you would defend a friend who was target of unfair comments.

Get a copy of Self Matters for starters. Excellent book! YOu may also want to consider counseling - it will take longer to get through your self destructive behaviiors, but the over all experience would be highly beneficial - not just on self esteeem but life in general.

Good luck.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:29pm
You know, I have a similar problem too...except he doesn't do it online, he does it in "person"!!! It really bugs me sometimes, but I just keep on telling myself that he can look, but no touch!! I mean, come on, everyone wants to take a look at beautiful things... like a piece of art work... Right? :-) I am sure you do the same thing too when you see pretty things. Anyway...I know how you feel, but just try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the reason he does that online is because it's like acting with a mask. No harm in that right? Hope you will feel better. :-) Cheers!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:56pm
Well I've confronted him about it many times and he says he usually only does it when he is bored or when he is trying to avoid schoolwork. He natually has a joking perverted sense of humour, but when he uses it with other girls, it's like flirting to me. Talking in sexual context with someone else bothers me. I wonder why he can't talk to them normally without flirting? Is it just his personality? He was that way with me when I met him and I love his personality to this day. I just hate how he uses it on everyone else.