How do you know when to leave 14 years?
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How do you know when to leave 14 years?
| Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:32pm |
I don't know whether to stay and try and work on this 14 year relationship or leave. I'm tired. I met my husband in 1990, after a divorce. I was a single mother of a 4 year old boy and 5 year old daughter. We lived together and I ignored things he did and said thinking he would eventually grow out of his ways. My kids called him dad almost from the beginning...their biological father left the picture after our divorce and hasn't been in contact with them. We married in 1993 and looking back I can tell you that the fact that my two little ones looked to him as dad had a lot to do with it. Mommy guilt you know. Even though I knew he didn't treat me that special all the time and he had a drinking and pot-smoking problem. (stupid I know).....And here we are 14 years later. Nothing's really changed. He's hellbent on running the two older kids (19 and 18) out of our home now, blaming them for any problems we have. My 18 year old son has had issues with behavior etc for about 4 years now, ever since he found out that dear ol' dad smoked pot. He's been rebellious and has gotten into trouble with drinking and smoking etc. I should go back and say that husband and I have a 10 year old wonderful son together. So now...I feel like my husband is vengeful and jealous of my two older kids. He is a mean-spirited man sometimes and says hurtful things to me and the kids. He refuses to take any responsibility for any problems DS is having or has had. He gets defensive and pissed and says he can't believe I would even THINK of blaming him for the way DS is acting. *sigh* Well....6 months ago I had it and told husband I was tired of this and being put in the middle and that I wanted a divorce. Of course he went into this tyrade that I was being selfish and not even thinking about our 10 year old and what was so wrong with the way we are, etc. He's still smoking pot. He has not had a drink in 7 weeks now. He SAYS he's trying but he still tells the older two that they need to hurry up and get jobs and get out of our house. He even said to me (when I told him I wanted out) that he thinks once we get the older two kids out of the house, things will get better with us. I'm really tired. I don't think I want to work on this anymore. I've put up with so much crap the past 14 years I can't even get into it here. The verbal abuse I've taken is devastating to me. When I tell him this, he says it was just words and he was usually drinking when he said them and I should just get over it and quit feeling sorry for myself. I find myself plotting ways to move out with the least amount of hub-bub. And I don't want my 10 year old to be put in the middle of anything either. He's a very perceptive young man and already knows there's issues. So I don't know----how do you know when to leave and how do you do it so it's least upsetting to the 10 year old?????

Your 10 year old is impressionable right now, he's looking to the both of you as parents to show him how to behave and how to react and act in situations. I know this because I, too have a 10 year old boy. It's a tricky age, and right now if you don't get things under control, in a couple of years it will be way too late. There's a saying, 'The children are watching' --it speaks volumes for our responsibilities as parents.
As for whether or not you should leave him...that's your choice. I will say this, I left my husband of 11 years because he was a bad husband, not because he was a bad father. If your's is both a bad husband and a bad (example of a) father, then you might want to seriously consider that.
I wish you blessings--keep us posted what happens.
Welsh_Lily
Sydnie
WOW I found so many paralels to our stories.... i am in the process of divorcing my second husband, i have one son from a previous marriage, he also called my STBX "dad" (my son's bio dad has practically nothing to do with my son). i also WANTED this to work, and was willing to put up with ALOT of crapola, abuse, etc just so i wouldn't got thru a nother divorce, and especialy not put my son thru another divorce.
in our case - my son became VERY depressed, anxious, a few years ago, i can't "blame" stbx for everything (much as i would like to, lol), i had cancer, and the marriage was very bad, etc. i finally got my son to call an emergency clinic and we all ended up in "family therapy".
I can't tell YOU when "enough is enough" - i think each of us have our own breaking point. i can tell you that when that day comes - you WILL be able to leave. its not going to be easy for your 10 yo - but honestly living in an unhealthy family is not easy for kids either.
it sounds to me like there is ALOT of "blaming" going on in your home - you are blaming your husband for a lot of issues, your son is "blaming" your husband for HIS issues,
I wonder if maybe your husband has a point about the 18 and 19 year olds. Not that I take his side, I don't even really know what's going-on, but they should be encouraged towards independance. Do you think it would help ease the tension in the house if they had part-time jobs and contributed to some of the expenses, if they aren't already? If your son is getting into a lot of trouble, you and your husband need to be able to come to some agreement on how to handle it. Family counseling may be helpful for that. It's pretty hard to have a happy home if someone is seriously disrupting it. I feel compelled to gently urge you to exercise some objectivity about your children. They are old enough to make their own choices and reap the consequences. If your husband was supportive of them before, and a good enough father, then maybe this transitional phase is just making things difficult for all of you.
I guess I'd consider all the pros and cons before giving-up on 14 years. Is it possible you felt like you needed him before but don't any more? He's probably always been the same person. If you could tolerate it before, may you still should, or maybe you shouldn't have before. Domestic abuse counselors have charts and diagrams to illustrate what is abuse. It's not humanly possible to treat someone "special" all the time. However, there are certain standards for behavior that people should meet. I personally don't think it's fair to marry someone with the idea that they'll change, kind of leaving oneself an escape clause. You get what you marry, period. If his are simple human foibles, I think you should stay. Best wishes!