Need a way out!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Need a way out!!!
8
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 5:10pm
Hi there! Please read my story and if you have any suggestions on what to do, I'd be more than happy to hear them. It all began when I started dating a guy who my parents didn't like, not because something was wrong with him, but because they thought he was very different from me (background, upbringing, interests, etc.) I wasn't denying that we were different in some ways, but I really enjoyed spending time with him, we could talk about anything and we understood each other on some deeper level. My parents wanted me to stop seeing him, I refused and we started having arguments and fights. Because of that I started looking for a place to live. And that's when my boyfriend offered me to stay with him at his place for now and see how things go from there. This move was very difficult on my parents, but at the same time it was hard for us to stay in the same house. After a while my parents stopped talking to me, because everytime they talked to me, they were reminded of this situation. It was very hard on all of us. At first my boyfriend didn't mind that my parents didn't particularly like him, but then he told me that it mattered to him a lot and he can't picture having a relationship with a girl whos parents don't like him for no valid reasons. I told him that in some way we have to show my parents that we love each other and maybe then they'll accept it. He refused, saying that he doesn't have to prove anything. So, I couldn't stay with him any longer, knowing that my parents are not talking to me (we were always so close). I moved out to my own place. Now a question is, should I somehow make our relationship work or since he doesn't want to do anything about it, I should just move on with my life. I know he loves me and I love him too, but I can't fight this battle alone, but I know it's gonna be hard for both of us to lose each other. It's a very messed up situation and I don't know who to turn to for an advice. :((((( I forgot to mention that as soon as we started living together, my boyfriend became less affectionate, it was mostly about him. If i wanted something, he would call me princess and told me to go get it myself. He told me that's how he was brought up and that i was spoiled and needed to toughen up. Sometimes however, he would go out of his way to do something for me, but that happened very rare. I think the reason for that was because somehow he felt that if my parents wouldn't accept him, what's the point of trying to do stuff for me if it's not going anywhere. I didn't understand his approach and because of that we started having fights. HE is very bullheaded when it comes to fights. He would apologize sometimes, but usually he thought he was always right. Anyway, if you have any questions, please ask away. But I really want to find a way out of this. Should I go or should I try and make our relationship work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 8:01pm
My take on the situation upfront is that he had something to prove to your parents, or maybe all parents. Once he'd made his point, he was ready to get out. I may be completely wrong about that, but one thing that I think is clear is that he really doesn't care. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is an unfeeling man. It wasn't an issue to him whether your parents liked him or not before you moved in together. Why should it become an issue after? I don't understand this guy, you seem like a nice person and certainly deserved better treatment than he gave. The part that really gets me is that he seemed to purposefully divide you from your parents, then leave you abandoned essentially by both. This sounds like it was intentional on his part, to me. I'm sorry you have to go through this! If you have good parents they should be able to forgive you. I'm not sure you want to do that because I'm uncertain you feel you did anything wrong, and maybe in a sense you didn't. You did say the reason you broke-off contact was because they didn't like the situation, however. Well, the situation resolved itself. So they should be prepared to resume a relationship with you.

If it were me, I would chalk this guy up to experience. Not all experiences are positive. It's easy to get fooled by someone when they seem nice and their points are valid. It sounds like you probably have issues with your parents, also. My guess is that you have good reason to feel that way, if you do. Still, it's hard to be on one's own with no supports. So, I would take the support they offer without too many strings attached, and look for people you do feel simpatico with. It's very hard to find honest people, but it's worth the search. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 12:05pm
No. Move on. Reconcile with your parents and chalk it up to experience. Perhaps your parents are wrong, but if there's something I've learnt the hard way, it's this -- parents often pick up on things that you can't see - you're in the middle of it all, in love and infatuated, but a parent, especially a loving one where there is a close relationship, might see things you can't -- it's called wisdom, experience and knowing your child. It's good that you are independent and want to make your own mind up about people, but sometimes parents do have good instincts and the fact that your boyfriend is blaming your parents for his not wanting to fully participate in your relationship speaks volumes about him. He doesn't care nearly enough for you to waste another minute on him - I'd rebuild the relationship with your parents instead.

Good luck!

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 1:08pm
agreed. Family is important and though they should not control or try to control who your friends/BFs are, their opinions do matter, but they should not come above your own.

While you reconcile with them, just make it clear that they always matter and what they think matters, however, it is not fair to force you to choose between them and another simply because they do not like that person. You can respect their opinions and they yours without such extremes - find a way to bring this into your relationship. Always ask them why they feel the way they do, not vague feelings - facts. Hear them out, dont be defensive if you disagree. Just respect their right to their opinion. Ask them to respect yours as well.

You may hear "I told you so's" for the current situation. Be adult and simple leave it at everyone has their own lessons to learn. SAying I told you so only reinforces a lack of understanding. It is better to be understood than it is to be right.



good luck.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:20pm
Hi Everyone, Thank you for your replies. I talked to my b/f last night and told him that I can't be in this relationship, because I am doing everything to save it and he is doing nothing. He said "fine". And I asked him if he is fine with me not being his g/f anymore (he was always fond of me, he thinks i am very beautiful and couldn't believe i agreed to go out with him). He said that he doesn't think we are going to get married in the future, because we are too different (i don't think this is the problem, because from day one we knew we were different, but didn't mind moving in together, he start saying it when he found out my parents don't like him). So I told him, ok then it's over. He said that he wants us to be friends. I don't know if I should still be friends with him, or just disappear from his life completely. Honestly I sacrificed a lot for him and it turned out that it was for nothing. Should I stay in contact with him, or not call him, not talk on msn, email, so he finally realizes that he lost something precious? Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:36pm
Do what is best for you and your healing. If you don't think you can be friends then don't try to be.

Can We Just Be Good Friends?

by Ian McNeice

"Can we just be good friends?" How many times have you heard someone say that whilst telling you it is all over? There is an easy answer people - No you can't. Not in a million years so don't waste your breath.

How many of us have heard that hopeful little phrase "can we be friends" from a soon-to-be-ex partner mumbling and stuttering before heading out of the door with their suitcase at 1000 miles per hour. And how many have replied "no"! Very few I reckon. How many more have agreed to this new instant friendship? Yes its true, the departing party thinks that it gets them off the emotional hook to suggest that you can be friends moments after damning your relationship to eternity whilst telling the bare face lie that so many of us have found to be untrue. Can we be friends? Of course you can't. So wise up instantly.

What are you going to do , are you both going to do all the things your best friends do, are you going to party together, laugh and cry together, pick op the phone at 3am because you need to chat? No you aren't and the person who just suggested the idea already knows it.

Its one of the brutal truths of dating but at least 60% of all people who leave their lover have said it and the rest of us have had to find some kind of reply. Inevitably it is "yes". We say yes because we want to keep knowing the person who is leaving, we don't want the happier times to end and we certainly do not want to stop seeing the person who has just told u we are finished. But the reason I write about this subject here is because the person saying it in 99% of cases does not mean it, never did mean it and has no intention of honoring the concept. You don't want to accept it perhaps or you are nodding in agreement that I am right, but I stand by it. Anyone who offers friendship as a mediocre present whilst retracting love deserves no respect.

I am afraid that our friends are the people we have known from school and college, those we have worked with, those we have met along the way and stayed in touch with. The person breaking your heart isn't your friend, that is the person who is busy telling you all the reasons why it won't work between you, the reasons why its over and the reasons why they are leaving. The crux of the statement is linked to the person who is saying it , rather than the person it is being said to. The person who says it is the person leaving. They are also the person who feels guilt. And it is this guilt that is responsible for the utter garbage dialogue we must endure. At least for a short time.

Now I know all this sounds harsh and you know that the person you are splitting up with could really be your best friend and it does happen believe me. But and its a big but, its so rare its almost impossible. The fact is you now have an almost unbearable legacy, your ex-relationship and this will act as a wedge. The water from your salty tears will lubricate this wedge and drive it between you as you slip further and further away. I wish I could say that when an ex asks if you can both be friends that it would work. But it won't.

The way we all deal with the traumas in our lives is through time and time alone. Though the comfort of true friends and loved ones helps too. But we must all settle the past before we can move forward and to do this, the best thing we can all do when someone we love leaves us is simple. We put them behind us - and that takes time too. The thing that always strikes me about someone who asks if "we can be friends?" is the sheer audacity of the statement. It is an unnerving ability to tell a lie at the moment when honesty is most called for, it is an attempt to console when doing harm, it is the domain of the person who wishes to deceive. Wow, I am sounding gloomy here.

I came back and added this section after I re-read this article. It is worth pointing out that one of the reasons why we must say no to the request for friendship is because it is being asked for all the wrong reasons. Often the person leaving is scared and unsure of what they are doing. They don't really want to burn their bridges, well they are not sure they want to. They therefore try and keep a lifeline by asking if friendship is a possibility - in doing so they are retaining a very small path back. Of course the point is that very few people who leave us can actually sustain a friendship afterwards even if we can. Friendships take contact and contact is the most painful aspect of leaving someone. Therefore the reality is that distant friendship may be a possibility but near future friendship is not going to happen.

Okay, the thing is, I have heard that question too many times and never once did it stand to be true, never. People who have left have offered friendship whilst taking everything with them. The fact is, by not agreeing to such a mediocre offering, we retain our dignity, our calm, our composure and our peace of mind. We do not want reminding of someone who left us every day, so why begin down that road - why try and be friends? Instead, hold your head up high and show the person the door, after all, your true friend is the person you will one day choose to spend your life with, not the person just leaving.

http://www.topdatingtips.com/just-good-friends.htm


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 8:32pm
Well, i think that whether you want him back or not, the first step is to patch things up with your family. Maybe work out any issues with them, why they reacted the way they did to this boyfriend, how they feel about you moving out, etc. You don't have to say that they are right you were wrong, it's not about that. If you have decided to end with boyfriend now but are hoping for something in the future, I would say be clear about it. Perhaps talk with him again and tell him how you really treasured the relationship and are going to work on strengthening yourself and your relationship with family and maybe in the future things would work better, would he be open to that. But- only if that's what you want. if you don't want that possibility, it might be hard to just be friends, at least at first. He might change his mind sometime and you'll do the on and off thing which can be confusing. It's not necessary, but it might help you to find out why the parental issue suddenly became so important later. Maybe because the move in moved it to serious relationship territory where before it was just dating. So before, that parents didn't accept wasn't such a big deal as later. It's hard, but maybe you can tell both your parents and your now ex that you cared about both of them and didn't know what to do when you felt caught in the middle between people you love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:45pm
GReat article.

Too bad it takes actually failing at the 'friends' thing in order to understand its accuracy....

Regards,

Toni

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:55pm
It sounds like it would be too painful for you to be friends with him, and I suspect that in the future you wouldn't want to be. You've given so much, and he's given so little, by the sound of it. I'm pretty sure you're experiencing a deficit that the relationship left and you're wondering how to recover some of it. I would say, not from him. He sounds like a taker and not a giver, and he would just keep taking from you. My best advice would be for you to find a friend, male or female, who is willing to give to you. I'm not sure it's your boyfriend you miss so much as it is all that he took from you. I think that would be completely understandable.

I agree that patching things up with your parents would be a good idea, especially since you said you were always so close. This guy basically left you high and dry, and you owe it to yourself to find some supports. I know it feels bad now, but think how much worse it would have felt if you had married him and experienced years of neglect by him probably leading to abuse. You may feel like I used to, i.e., what was wrong with me? After having been married to one of those men foolish girls chase, I KNOW there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not perfect, but it was ALL him. So don't let him determine your worth, because it sounds to me that his values are all skewed. Take care and best wishes.