I need advice desperately

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I need advice desperately
13
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:55am
I need advice about an issue: OKay here is the story:

My booyfriend and I started dating 11 months ago. He was 19 and I was 22. He was in college and I took a semester off. We were perfect together. Everyone we knew & even people we didn't know always said we were the perfect couple. There was a connection that you just don't find with just anyone. I would pick up the phone to call him and he would already be on the line without if ever ringing. We would do same things and have same thoughts at the same time always. You know it just felt right. We only had like 4 arguments in a year. Well last Thursday he had to study and I went out and he came & met up with me. & when we were leaving he said we had to talk. He said he needed space. He still loved and was attracted to me but felt smothered. So i didn't stay with him that night. But I called him a thousand times. He didn't answer because he was asleep. But the next day he called when he woke up. We saw each other Friday night because we went to a party and we hung out some. On saturday morning I woke up early and called him and he answered and we talked forever and I went over there. So for the rest of the day I called him a thousand times again. He talked to me once or twice. & we hung out at a mutual friends house saturday night. & we were cool we acted just like best friends, even though I am devastated I played it cool. But I wonder why he could act like I was his friend and that we didn't have a relationship for the past 11 months. So I called him yesterday a hundred times. & we talked once & i irritated him so he hung up. So i texted him a few times and he responded but the last time I texted him I told him that i knew that i was driving him crazy and I would stop calling if he wrote me back to tell me he love(d) me. He never wrote back. That was the last time I tried to contact him. & I haven't heard from him since. So I was wondering does anyone think I might have ruined my chances with him forever because I kept calling repeatedly over & over like a lunatic? Or do you think he can ignore that fact if I quit now and go & get my stuff from his house when he isn't there? Will that make him forget my lunatic ways and make him feel the shower of love for me again if I truly am gone and give him his space? I also irritated him everytime we talked by asking a million questions. He says he doesn't want to see other people and just doesn't want a relationship & just wants to be single. He says he doesn't know whether or not we could ever be together again because he can't see into the future. But he says it could possibly happen ( is that to appease me?) & he said he wants to be friends. HE said he truly loved me and was happy but he needed space... mind you he didn't want to just take a break though. I just feel like I drove him away for good b/c I annoyed him for 3 days. Does anybody have an opinion on this matter. I mean I can't eat or sleep, which is my 2 favorite things to do. I am heart broken. But I feel in my heart that he is the one & I know that at one time he felt the same...so what gives? Thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:21am
All I know is if my boyfriend called me nonstop like that I would smash the phone with a sledgehammer and avoid him at all costs. You did take it way too far. He asks for his space and you turn around and smother him even more???? The poor boy!!! And here he is trying to be kind and diplomatic about the situation. He's still talking to you and trying to maintain a connection and he's being nice to you when you hang out and that's just not enough for you? I don't understand what you are wanting from him!!!

Quote:: So i texted him a few times and he responded but the last time I texted him I told him that i knew that i was driving him crazy and I would stop calling if he wrote me back to tell me he love(d) me. He never wrote back.::

Shoot I wouldn't have wrote back either. How could you put him in that position by damn near blackmailing him into saying something he clearly wasn't ready to say????? Girl you are way to obsessive and compulsive about him. Lighten up and get your own life. Let him be and give him his space he so kindly requested. If you really love him, as you say you do, then you want him to be happy and comfortable even if it's without you. Leave the poor boy alone!!!!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:28am
So you think I ruined it. I mean everytime we talked he still said that he loved me. Yesterday when he hung up and when he didn't text back was the only time he hadn't said it. I am not calling him anymore.. i wrote a text that said i know that if he wants to talk to me he can call me. But do you really think I could have driven him away completely? Or do you think true love can forgive and forget this even if we go our separate ways???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:40am
Yes, I think you may have driven him off from persistence. Especially when you told him in your test if he responded with an "I love you." you'll leave him alone. Those three words really scare a guy! For one thing he's only 19 and another is he's in school and lastly you are always calling him and not letting him "miss you." Try that and see if he doesn't change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:45am
You are so right & now I feel like a loser. He did ask me nicely & i didn't have the respect for that at all. You don't think that will make him quit loving me though do you, even if i did drive him crazy but I have stopped. Also I am going to his house later to get my stuff when he is in class should i leave a letter explaining how much of a moron i feel like & that i am sorry i didn't respect his feelings. or just leave it alone, or go when he is there & tell him face to face.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 9:53am
If I were you I wouldn't leave a long detailed letter for him to read but rather a simple "I'm sorry for smothering you like I did. You know where to find me when you are ready." And just keep it simple and sweet. After that completely refrain from texting, calling, or anything. Just do your own thing. Go hang out with your friends and do things YOU like to do. And whatever you do, don't go out of your way to hang out with 'mutual' friends in hopes he'll be there. He'll see that as a bad sign most likely. But if you do happen to end up at the same place he is hanging out just smile and say, "how ya doin?" but don't run to his side and cling to him.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:14am
Whoa girl, you sound like me! :-) Except I don't call that many times... Anyway. Maybe he has some stuff on his mind that he needs to think through. Give him some time and space for a little while. And then you can call him up again to discuss what's really going on.... like are you guys breaking up or on a break. Don't act so desperate to get back with him because he might feel he is winning. Just play it cool. Remember, there are other fish in the sea. Good luck with you girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:19am
I am going through almost the exact thing you are right now. My situation is a little more complicated, but basically the same thing. You aren't alone. You have to keep telling yourself that. I talked to my family and it helped so much. Is there someone in your family you can talk to? Most likely they have been through this once or twice themselves.

My boyfriend of 3.5 years just told me he wanted to break up, and I too feel like it is completely random and a big mistake. This has been going on for about a week, and I called him like crazy at first too. It's hard not to, because you just know in your heart that the connection is still there, and why isn't he responding? I understand. You don't feel like you need to play games, because this is your relationship and you know you are perfect for each other. You think that he just needs to snap out of it and that by calling him, he'll realize how wrong it is to be apart like this.

I've learned during the past week that there is a reason that he broke up with me. The only way to have any hope of patching things up is to realize that the relationship isn't who I am, and work on myself. You have to have to have to take care of yourself. I still can't eat or sleep, but it gets better every day, and I know that once I gain my self confidence back I'll be better. I'll be the person that I was when we met years ago, and I'll be strong. Then he might want me back. And if he doesn't, I'll be able to move on. Just remember that when you are involved with another person so intensly, there is also another brain involved that you just can't control. Women (and I hate generalizing us like this, but it's helping me) want to take care of things and fix things. Men want us to be ourselves and be independent, while taking care of them a little bit. It's a hard thing to balance when you are so in love.

My boyfriend also wanted to be best friends, but I can't handle seeing him without being his girlfriend. I finally put my foot down and told me only to call me if he is ready to talk.

Another thing that I have learned is that talking to him over and over again and asking a million questions didn't help. Keep your distance. I know it feels like you shouldn't have to because you and he love each other, etc., but you DO HAVE TO. He needs to be reminded of the person that you are when you aren't smothering him, and you have gain some strength to show that to him. Please email me if you need to talk, and I'll give you my phone number. I really believe we are going through the same thing. The panic feeling is worse than any wound, but I promise it will get better.

seebethanyrun@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:20am
see the thing is we discussed it every time i called. It was always the same thing, i called asked questions, he said that we have already been over this and then we run through it again. him saying he doesn't want a relationship and wants to be single. Which i take as he wants to see other people though he denies it everytime. (I hope not to appease me.) & I can't wait a week to call & discuss what is really going on because he has already told me many times. ( I am very straight forward and ask what is on my mind & don't settle until I have an answer) But about leaving him a short note would this be okay: I am sos oryy for smothering you even more these past couple of days. I know you were mature and acted decently and I flew off the deep end. You only asked for space and I was sho shocked and hurt that I suffocated you and I am sorry for being so silly. You know where you can find me if you need me. IS that too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:27am
well

time apart could be a good thing or a bad thing...

usually it's not good because things can happen in the time that you're apart but if that's what he wants/needs...

If you love him let him go and if he comes back then it's meant to be.. otherwise enjoy being free.

Move on with your life and make yourself happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 11:44am
Leave out the part about 'sorry for being so silly' cuz there is nothing silly about the way you were behaving toward him. Otherwise it sounds unintrusive and sincere.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

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