Ex back in the picture after 1 year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Ex back in the picture after 1 year!
6
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 5:50pm
Why do men always know to come back when we've moved on?

I'm confused and not sure what to think. I broke up with the ex a little over 1 year ago after a 3.5 year relationship. I broke up with him b/c things were really bad with us, ie. fighting all the time, trust issues, you name it! The clencher was when he told me he never wanted to get married and didn't think he wanted chidren. I was 28 when we broke up, he was 27. As hard as it was because I really loved him, I broke it off completely. No late night calls or emails. Nada. I started dating all summer and in September met my current bf. He is very good looking and treats me like a princess. I completely trust him and know he will always be there for me. When I heard my ex had moved in with his new gf it bothered me a little bit but I got over it. He tried to see me once over the summer but I declined. I heard rumors that the ex may have cheated on me and that only confirmed that what I did was right.

Well things have been fine with my current bf and it's been 7 months. We even went to South America together and had a great time. Well low and behold I come home Friday night after going out w/my friends and the ex shows up at my place. No sooner than I walked into my place was my phone ringing and he was outside and wanted to come in. I get the feeling he was sitting out there waiting for me. Well I let him in and we talked. I had only ran into him once back in January but I was with my bf so the conversation was pretty short. He comes in and we talk, he talks to my sister, who I love with. Then he tells me how he misses me and the whole "remember when..." game. I realized that I do still have feelings for him. He lives with his gf and says he's not going to marry her and that she's a "good girl" but he doesn't love her. He kept trying to kiss me and I did for a minute but stopped him. He stayed for a bit and when he left mentioned us getting together this week.

I am sooooo confused now! I felt guilty about this but at the same time I realize that I miss him. But I know he was so bad for me. We had one of hose very intense, dramatic relationships where when it was good it was really good but when it was bad it was so bad. I cried all the time. He called me names when we fought and sometimes he'd be out MIA. I'd call his cell and he'd never pick up. So why do I even miss this man? Since Friday I have been analyzing my relationship with my bf. There really isn't any drama. I mean we argue every now and then but he would NEVER call me names and I never give me reason not to trust him. One of my friends told me that my current relationship lacks the "passion" I had with my ex. I don't know what to think. I am uspet that he just thinks he can walk back into my life and cause this chaos. I know in the long run if I EVER (big IF) gave him another chance I'd be back to where I was 1 year ago, whereas with my current bf , I know he will always be there for me and would never hurt me.

I don't know what to think anymore!!!



Kay

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 5:59pm
I guess I don't understand why you'd even consider going back to someone who you admit was really bad for you, who mistreated and disrespected you, who made you cry all the time. You need to look in the mirror and figure YOURSELF out. An emotionally healthy, self-respecting woman would not allow that back into her life. No matter how good the good times were.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:06pm
Your ex abused you (called you names) and you're considering going back to him. If this is an accurate statement, you need to talk to a therapist to find out why you dislike yourself enough to go back to that situation. What you miss are the "honeymoon" periods you had after your fights. It's a very unhealthy cycle and one you are smart to have broken off. Your current relationship is not "passionless", it's mature, healthy and stable. If that's not what does it for you, you need to work on yourself and your self-esteem and find out why.

You are better than this. Think about it, he's over your house, steppin out on his current gf, and you're probably quite flattered by that. This cheating quality of his (it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his values) does not make him a good person. It makes him a liar and a cheater. It's not because he loves you sooo much that he'd only cheat on her and change his ways for you and become a non-cheater. Doesn't work that way. Also, name-calling = abuse.

He's bad bad bad and you need to stay away!!! FAAAR AWAY!! You deserve much better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:57pm
::He lives with his gf and says he's not going to marry her and that she's a "good girl" but he doesn't love her.

Hon, this guy is USING YOU. He's looking to you to see IF you'd be willing to try again, to SAVE HIMSELF FROM BEING ALONE. He's contacted you BEFORE he's broken up with her. Why? Because he wants to make sure he can jump right back in a relationship with you. That means - no self-awareness, no time to heal, so self-evaluation of what when wrong, who he is, what he wants, why he left in the first place, in short, the guy has issues.

You too if you consider taking him back. Say you are back together, how long before you doubt him, how long before he starts calling you names, how long before he goes MIA, how long before he hooks up with the next girl, how long before he tells you he's not going to marry you.

These are the only conditions under which you should consider get back together with him - 1) he's already broken up with the other girl (he's already trying to cheat on her, with you by kissing you), 2) if he was already in counseling and ALONE for at least 6 months to get his head together 3) HIM offering to go to counseling to figure out what went wrong the first time.

In the meantime, you still have feelings for him, because you so wanted it to work out in the first place, now you think this is your chance and something in you thinks you deserve to be treated this way. Something in you believes you are unworthy of better, unworthy of the great guy you have currently....so please, please seek counseling to help you with this, work on your self-esteem and figure out why you would go back into an abusive situtation.

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:19pm
If you value real and honest love, trust and friendship then there is nothing confusing whatsoever. There is nothing about this man that indicates his character and values have improved. the so called 'passion' with your ex had less to do with a real connection and more to do with the danger element that comes with a bad boy.

You can choose real love or you can choose your ex. They are not even remotely the same. You choose happiness. You choose a better path. You choose to disassociate with toxic people. There is nothing confusing about these choices - they all lead to happiness.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:10pm
Thank you everyone for your replies. I don't know what I was thinking over the weekend. I guess I was really freaked out by the ex showing up like he did after not speaking to him for over a year. After thinking about it now I am more angry that he has the nerve to show up like that and try and cause chaos. It is very obvious that he hasn't changed and is still a liar and a cheater. Honestly, I feel sorry for his gf because I'm sure she's going through the same bs I went through.

This past year has been a whirlwind for me. Breaking up with him was the start and it was even harder because we used to work together and a couple of his friends still work in my department. One is a manager and she always manages to bring the ex up in conversation to my girlfriends in my department. She is friendly with the ex and the new gf and constantly tells my friends here how he's "changed so much" (yeah right) and is so happy (yeah right!). So his new relationship is constantly rubbed in my face, ie. them moving in together. It's like the manager sees me as the bad guy because I broke up with him. So I really feel like I can never get away from hearing about this guy and now he has the nerve to try and meddle in my life.

I know that I made the right decision in breaking up with him last year. I guess I was so used to drama in my life that when I finally found a genuine, caring great guy and the stability of a NORMAL relationship I was thinking maybe it wasn't right because I was so used to having to fight for things to be normal in my old relationship. Does that make sense? I'm upset with 2 of my friends who referred to the relationship with the ex as having more "passion". Yeah passion because I was crying all the time! My true friends are the ones who have told me that I would be stupid to even think that the ex is genuine. I know they are right.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:22pm
You GO k!!!!