Need Advice on Confusing Relationship
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| Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:16am |
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He's a sweet, loving, charming man whom I do trust, who treats me well and shares the same values that I do. On the outside, our relationship looks perfect, but there is one big problem that is gnawing away at me. The issue of love. He's really weird about it.. I've been in love with him from nearly the start, but for him, it has been fleeting. He has told me he is falling in love with me, only to claim he no longer feels that way just months later. This has happened 3 different times already. During the last one, I told him I should leave--that if he doesn't love me by now, he never will. He freaked out. He told me he's happy with me, but says he feels no love, for me or anyone for that matter.
Am I a fool for staying this long? I've only gotten this far because I've never been so completely in love with anyone before. I know he has had a rough past with his last 2 relationships--First he was engaged (she dumped him shortly before the wedding) and his next gf gave him an ultimatum 1 yr into the relationship (marry me or I leave). Both women he loved and I think he's a bit scarred from it all.
Help please!

At any rate, you must decide what is important to you and follow that path. If you can accept that he doesn't return your feelings in the same depth, then continue witht he relationship. However, if it bothers you, then you have to accept reality - he probably feels as much as he is willing to show at this point and you must do what is in your long term best interests.
Have a very candid discussion with him - lay it out there. Tell himthat you need to know that he loves you and is in love with you. Otherwise, you will need to reassess your long term future because you cannot be happy with deep and genuine love being returned to you. Don't accuse, give ultimatums or anyting like that. Just state your needs and your definition for a happy and committed relationship. Ask him what his are and compare. If you can negotiate, great. If you cannot, then you have to decide what works for you and live with those consequences.
make smart choices and value yourself above any relationship.
Best wishes to you.
Toni
But you're right.. I need to put myself first. A discussion sounds like a good idea. I have to figure it out in my head before I bring it to him, but I will update on the board once I do.
Thanks for your advice(-: