Separated - Do I reunite?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Separated - Do I reunite?
8
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:25pm

My husband and I married in 1998.

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:42pm
Honey....please listen up...I've been YOU...I've been HIM.

Here's the thing....feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action, thoughts, beliefs, values, opinions or to be used to determine what to do in situations to get a positively desired result.

Here's a fact: No matter where you go, there you are.

Now, it seems that no matter where he goes, what he's doing, who he's with - he's creating and involved in chaos, destruction, havoc, and dysfunction.

Now, it seems that no matter where you go on your own...there is serenity, calm, success, and security.....but when you're with HIM you're in his "sea of turbulence".

That's because dysfunction, lack of success, chaos, havoc, and destruction is much easier to "institute" than is serenity, success, and security.

Do NOT reunite with this man...he can't make it without "someone" to revolve their world around him, enable his dysfunction at their own expense.

But you and your children need the serenity, security, success, happiness, and options that your responsible, mature, goal oriented, factually assessing style is for your lives.

I know why you got with him...with just yourself - there was work, obligation, sacrifice, requirement, duty, responsibility, and expectations. There was nobody there "applauding or appreciating" you and putting any excitement, glamour, sexual attraction, or enjoyment into your life.

guess what....you thought choas, turmoil, destruction and havoc was glamor, excitement, enjoyment - but it's NOT...I assure you, it's not.

Stay where you are, doing what you're doing - get as goal focused and factually assessing and successful at "completing your life" in terms of enjoyment, passionate interests, goals, and hobbies...as you have been at putting back together the resonsiility laden portion of your life after he destroyed it for you and your kids.

Success is a method..it's not found in a particular situation or relationship. It's realistic goals, with factual assessment of situations and your abilities, while pursuing your goals at all times and dealing intelligenty with the situation that arise.

You've got th emethod - just get some fun, excitement, enjoyment, and joy in your life by YOUR efforts, definitions, means, and standards...rather than going back to chaos and turmoil, destroying waht you've created as a solid foundation so far - only to put yourself shakily back on your feet in a few years, with lots of irrepairable damage to your kids.

Please listen...you're worth it so are your kids.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:58pm

Wow.

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:06pm
Personally, reading your post, I think you should stay independent and file for a divorce. Without him growing up, becoming responsible (read that much counseling, because he wants it for himself, not to keep you) I'd say you were in for more of that depressive feeling you explained in your post.

Also, look at the remarkable change in your son...... that's a reflection of what you are doing right.

If he can't *make it* without you, then he really needs some serious counseling - mentally and financially. With the timing of missing a house payment and problem at his job, don't you feel used?

PS For some reason I missed the part about your step-son and his mother. You as a mother (and step-mom) want the best for the kids.....your husband isn't on the same page with you. There are HIS problems, YOUR problems and 'OUR' problems. I think you have addressed yours by separating and I don't think it is in your son's best interest to be around your husband (his step-father) has he is not a good role model. (I lost part of this ps - stupid mouse, so this isn't exact the way I typed it a minute ago.)

My best to you.


Edited 4/13/2004 5:44 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:00pm

Thank you both for your input.

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:57pm
As someone once told me, you can't marry potential. Espeically if it's unrealized.

It is sad. He hasn't moved through his past, childhood, experiences and he buys into those images of himself.

Take care of you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:07pm
What's missing in him is "self-identity". It's not uncommon to fall for someone's potential and invest in it - rather than take the risk and responsibility of investing in your own. Get to CoDA and Al-Anon - you'll see what I mean, and people there will help you.

If I can help, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:49pm

Well...

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Paula = 43; Mike = 38; Tubal reversal 12/4/08, one tube reparied; Healthy baby girl born 2/16/10; PG again, EDD 3/18/11!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:57am
Stat's show that 50 percent of all marriages fail...stat's also show that 45 percent of all men cheat! that leaves 50 percent of that 50 percent. And out of that 50 percent..how many women do you know would leave if they were FINANCIALLY ABLE?? So many women put up with abusive, cruel, men putting absolutely nothing into the relationship because of fear they cant make it on their own!

Well, i'm here to tell you that you can, and you will! And yep..finances were my biggest stumbling block...but i did it anyways. Stand up for what you are worth! You deserve sooo much better than this. Why do we settle for less than what we deserve?? For the children's sake?? pooie! I believe that it's better for children to come from a broken home, than to live in one!

You can and you will make it! You dont need him as a security blanket. The cost of this security blanket is tooo great! Life is soooo short to live it unhappy. I left my ex in sept of last year. Im 43 years old...i had only a part time job, just finishing up a nine month course. So i wasnt even working full time. No benefits...and an ex paying me 300.00 a month towards of the cost of our 16 year old. Give me a break! But me and my son are soooo much happier now. I will NEVER go back to living my life "coasting" again! I paid my dues...i stayed unhappy for my son's sake (wrong wrong wrong)...i stayed because i knew i couldnt afford it...there was enough fears out there to keep me from moving on with my life....then one day, i got up the courage and i did it. And i've never looked back since.

My life is coming together..finally! My son is happier. And isnt that reason enough to protect our children??? DO NOT GO BACK! Things wont change! You are afraid of the unknown...but the unknown is all positive for you...its the going back that will stop you from living. Move forward and you'll see, that given time, you will find the strength you need to get you through this..i promise you. But DONT LOOK BACK!


Deborah