getting over feeling insecure

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
getting over feeling insecure
4
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:38pm
OK.. I need some advise.....

My boyfriend proposed in feb. I love this man with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him. The problem is a few months ago he lied to me about talking to this girl that I did not like at ALL (hes a police office and she kept calling him while he was bored and on duty). Well I talked to her and found out she was calling him and that he told her we were getting married and he was happy. The problem is I can't get over the feeling that hes cheating on me!! I've told him this and told him I don't think we should get married unless I completely trust him. He says he'll do anything to prove that hes faithfull. I've even road around w/ him while he was on duty to see what he does all night.(she hasn't called since I confronted her about calling him).. I just feel so insecure about him lieing to me about talking to her before. I don't think that hes cheating but still have this "what if" in my mind. I don't ever want to get divorced and if I was to find out he cheated thats exactly what would happen. So my question is does anyone have any advise on how to get over being so insecure? or what he can do to make me not so insecure? any help would be wonderful thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:33pm
bump

Hopefully someone will have some advice for you. Try posting on the Cop Wives Support board.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:27pm
hmmm well, reading your post i find a few questions come up. before this experience, did he ever do anything that made you feel you can't trust him with other women? did he ever do anything that made you feel you can't trust him in general? what about your past relationships, did anyone really injure your trust, and is your boyfriend similar to them in any way, or is your reaction to him similar to the past ones in any way? if none of those seem to match the insecurity, it could be something you are just scared of.. something to do with your relationship? like are you afraid that you're not good enough somehow, or that someone's bound to leave eventually?

i think thinking about these questions can help insecurity, if you can find where it's coming from. if it's something your bf has done, then you know you have to work with that, find some way to repair that. if it's something someone before him has done, or just your own fears, then you can start there to resolve things you are scared about in yourself.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 6:25pm
Playing devil's advocate, he might have lied because he knows you are insecure and realized this might be your reaction. On the other hand, being honest builds trust and considering he lied, it is no wonder you feel insecure. I do not know if he has ever lied or cheated on you before, but if he hasn't, I am wondering if there is some unconcious reason you are trying to avoid marrying him and using the lie as a reason not to be fully committed. I was cheated on many years ago and have had trust issues ever since. It will drive you and your boyfriend crazy if you constantly are feeling insecure, questioning trust, and checking up on him. Been there, done that, no fun. My current relationship helped teach me to be a new way. Part of that was my choice to be different and grow as a person, but a huge part of it was the security and trust this man built in my life. What he did that was helpful included such things as making me feel like the most beautiful girl around, not looking at other women when we were together, if I asked where he had been, he would answer me on the spot without wavering, and probably most important he has always taken the stance that cheating is wrong and will tell his male friends that if they are thinking of doing it. Trust is very difficult to build once it has been brken by a significant lie. Trust builds in general ways, but also is different for each person. It sounds like your guy is trying to build trust. If nothing like this has happened before, then maybe it is time to let it go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:01pm
Thank you so much!!!!!!!

actually hes a police officer and he never lied or cheated prior to this.. a few years a go I dated a officer that cheated on me several times before I found out...

I think that has alot to do with my insecurity...

Thank you so much for your words of advise!!