Longtime Lurker with MAJOR loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Longtime Lurker with MAJOR loss
1
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:50pm
Gosh, where do I start? I wandered around my house tonight before coming here, just wishing I had a friend to talk to, someone to tell me whether I'm right, wrong, crazy, relatively intelligent, SOMETHING. My marriage is failing. There are a variety of reasons, but the fight tonight is especially telling.

I am a freelance writer. Any writer reading this knows, writers don't make a lot of money. In addition to doing articles and such, I also entered a business with a couple of business associates and published a book. We're now promoting it...that's my job. If it sells and the idea takes off, we're looking at a lifetime of profit on the side of whatever else we do. If not, we lose money. Now, for whatever sake, wouldn't you want the book you wrote to sell???

I've always wanted to be a writer and have never poured too much energy into it, as when I got married I had a F/T job and a stepson, who I rearranged my work schedule for and made sure had meals and appointments, and laundry done, etc. Was both a career woman and mother both prior to, and during, marriage. Then I had my daughter. I quit to freelance, but in raising a stepson (who eventually moved out) and a daughter, I didn't focus on work, just dabbled.

Now that this business opportunity came along and my daughter is older, I "went back" to work by focusing on writing and my promotion and my career, telling my hubby I needed more time to work and more support around the house.

He has just informed me that since I don't make any money and he does, he's tired of me fussing about all the housework I have to do, 'cause he's working a lot and tired, and there are moms all over our block who are certainly in the "traditional" housewife role, and I have to be a mother, but if I don't want to be a wife anymore that's my call. All this, because on tonight, my late night of work when he picks up our daughter, he's mad because I came in, bathed her, changed clothes and fixed myself a salad...didn't get HIM dinner. My point was, I get him dinner the other nights during the week. He works, comes home, changes clothes, and the child is bathed and fed. I come home and STILL have to bathe her and take care of everyone in the house. Where is MY break? Why are we not sharing the career/family responsibilities?

I know I can't be nuts...couples do it. But he seems to not be able to fathom it. And for those who will say, "well he's just adjusting," please keep in mind I've been working now for well over a year. So this is not new at all. I may have married a man who does not care for his wife to have a career...OR, one who would welcome it, as long as she could be SuperMom and SuperWife in all other areas, something I'm not willing to do. I want a career and family, but I envisioned that marriage would be a partnership, not this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:47pm
People never cease to amaze me (him, not you).

::He has just informed me that since I don't make any money and he does, he's tired of me fussing about all the housework I have to do, 'cause he's working a lot and tired, and there are moms all over our block who are certainly in the "traditional" housewife role, and I have to be a mother, but if I don't want to be a wife anymore that's my call.

So when you decide not to be a wife, who will do his laundry, fix him dinner and take care of his child when that child is with him once you are divorced from him?

Dr Phil's book 'Relationship Rescue' makes a very powerful statement at the beginning of the book about seeing people make huge changes in their life AFTER the divorce, but if they just would have made those CHANGES while still in the marriage, they would STILL be married.

Have you consider marriage counseling? Would he read the book with you? Finding something that works for BOTH of you is key.

Hopefully someone else will have some good advice for you. My best to you.


Carrie