affection inconsistancies

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
affection inconsistancies
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:14pm
i'm confused because of my boyfriend's inconcsistancies in showing affection. a few months ago in the 'in-love honeymoon' phase, it didn't matter where we were he would be cuddly and passionate and anything. i felt so in love, and it was what i imagined things would be like (we had been apart and communicated in writing before, which were very affectionate too). then we started living together and it seemed everything changed. i moved to where he was and so i was feeling insecure and became a little pushy. we had some difficulties and he became more distant, which made it even worse for me. it's only now after months later that we've worked through all of that, and talked it all out and cleared things up.

now the affection part- when we were having trouble, he would reject affection from me and he wasn't as affectionate as before. when things got better he would be more affectionate it seemed. now that things have been going well, i just thought things would go back to how they were before. and they have been, except only at home. well, maybe a park is ok but anywhere near work? no just a peck on the cheek. maybe that's still something but it feels so superficial to me, because anyone can have that and, there was so much more being expressed before. (and although i would love a passionate kiss out of nowhere, i know it's not going to happen so i just want a hug or peck on lips, something 'more close' you know?) and i've been trying to understand and accept that he's maybe more shy here or in some places because people around. but then in an empty room where there's no one, he won't kiss me? i just don't even feel like meeting him at work because it makes me feel rejected.

i feel sort of silly that this affects me so much. others might be quick to say just accept how he is. ok, but how? what if everything else is great but i need that definitely? and what if he just can't give me that? are differences in affection style irreconcilable? how do couples deal with this when one partner is more reserved? (and what if they used to be not so reserved?) i feel part of it is the withdrawal when things were bad, so i react to any withdrawal as the same. but also, i just want to feel like he's passionately in love with me, that i drive him crazy with good feelings he can't contain, is that so bad.. i guess for me i feel that if you are in love and have those feelings, it's ok to express them and i feel hurt that he's worried about all the world outside of me. and it's especially confusing because it used to be there.

i guess i'm just wondering what i can do so that it doesn't get to me so much. and then i worry what if there isn't anything. and then i start worrying a lot about everything